Regrets

Hello! This is going to be random topic today. You know I read something on Facebook that really caught my attention. It was the nurse that revealed the top five regrets people make on their death beds. It really got me thinking about it and I even wrote it in my journal. Let me go over them again so you know what I am talking about. Number 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 2. I wish I didn't work so hard. 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 5. I wish I had let myself be happier. I really enjoyed reading this article and it really has stayed with me. You see I am really good at number four and I am proud to say I have kept my friends for many years and I love them deeply. So I don't think I'll regret that on my death bed. Hopefully many many years from now. ;-) I do feel I am happier these days now that I am cancer free and after going through what I did this last year oh boy things look so different to me now. I don't sweat the small stuff any more and keep a smile on my face even when times are tough because if I can get through that damn chemo every day is a good day for me now. The one I probably need to work on the most is sharing my feelings to people that done me wrong. I am one of those people that don't say anything just to keep the peace, but it really bothers me later. Well from now on I plan to open up and if someone wrongs me I plan to speak my mind. For an example there is someone that needs to know how I feel now and I won't say any names, but she will know who she is. To this person you have hurt me in so many ways just by your hurtful words. You one time said all my boyfriends are weird, but so much I just kept quiet but my comment back to you at least I didn't marry all of mine. Also when I shared with the family that I was having another child you were so cold and didn't even say congratulations you just asked "are you sure you want to have another one." That really hurt me I thought you would have been more excited for me. I just feel that for some reason you target me and are so cruel in your comments towards me. I don't know what I have ever done to you for this type of treatment. There is one thing I didn't understand when I had one of my surgeries you told me on the phone that I didn't have to call and let you now how I was. That was just so strange to me. Also what broke the camels back is when at the fundraiser for me you were so unfair in how you handled things and the comment that kicked me when I was down really hurt me. You said and I quote you "now that you have no boobs you look pregnant." Why are you so cruel and so blunt with your words. Are you unhappy with your life? Because you make others around you miserable with your mean words and your actions. You say people shouldn't smoke when you shouldn't drink so much. You need to see those three fingers pointing back at you. I have decided to not be around people that bring me down and if you ever say a mean word to me again I will let you have it next time. I won't hold back any more because I don't deserve what you dish out. I am so happy I am me even what I have dealt with in my life. I am happy that I am a nice person and glad that I don't say things to bring people down just to make me feel good. I love my life and plan to do better and if that means keeping you at bay so be it. I don't need mean people in my life. Okay now that I said my peace I feel much better even if you don't read this at least I wrote my feelings down. Don't hate LOVE! Thanks for reading my blog for the ones that do it means so much to me the support I get from my friends. I love my friends deeply and want to have you in my life so much. Thank you for being kind to me.

Feeling Better!

Hello! It's been an interesting week well not really. I was sick with the flu and felt like I was going to die. I kept having thoughts me being in the ER and dying all sorts of bad things going through my mind. I had a temp of 102.1 man I was feeling like crap!! You know that feeling when you just can't move out of bed oh man it was horrible. So glad I am feeling better now I just have a cold and coughing a lot. Yep getting old peeing my pants with every cough. We'll see how many people read my blog now they can call me Mrs. Peabody...LOL I am not a shame to say it many people it happens to them. I'll just put it out there for everyone to know that way they aren't alone when it comes to that. Great news on Monday my weigh-in day I lost 9 pounds so excited about that. It really does help working with my trainer and having the flu helps lose weight. So it hasn't been that bad of week hey I got back in the gym today (Friday 11/22/13) So all is going well now just have to get my husband to mellow out though. Yeah that is my topic for this blog. My husband Mark. As some of you know he works full-time and goes to college probably more than full-time poor guy. He is very busy. What I have noticed is he has been either stressed out or just concern about the kids. You see he has been getting on the kids with their homework, but the only thing is his voice is raised when explaining their homework to them. It kind of concerns me him pretty much loud voice while teaching the children their homework. It's like he is so frustrated with them. He must be stressed out or something he also gets stressed behind the wheel of a car. Well we all do, but he goes to extremes he flashes his lights at people if they do a wrong move that Mark doesn't like. He really hates people not going the speed limit. I think Mark can be like a road ragger at times. I don't know it just has been bothering me lately. Also another thing that has been bothering me is Mark isn't a jungle gym kind of daddy. That means a daddy that lets the kids jump all over him and they tickle each other get on the floor type daddy and let the kids ride on his back. I take that back he has done it when they were babies, but I did notice something last night our son was trying to tickle Mark, but Mark just would say "okay son" and walk away. I think our son is wanting Mark's attention that is why he keeps trying to tickle Mark, but mark doesn't have any part of it. He might tickle Connor back once but not like what I think he should do like a million tickles. It bothers me lately. Hmmm it just dawned on me, maybe I am the one that needs to mellow out. Mark is a hard working man and does so much for his family. I guess I think I have a lot a time on my hands I am just looking at mark's faults. Believe me I have my own share of faults so what I am saying is that Mark is a great father and loving husband, but he is just a little stressed out these days I got to cut him some slack. Thank you honey for everything you do for us. We love you. To tell you the truth Mark doesn't read my blogs. Shoot I can really vent if I want to so maybe another time. Right now I want to talk about my weight loss goals. I am so excited about it. I feel like I am really going to lose weight this time. It will be some hard work because I have to deal with medication too. The meds balloon me up pretty bad so have to work extra hard getting this weight off. I really just am loving my trainer he really knows what he is doing too. He works me out just right not too soft or not to hard. I still feel the burn and that is a good thing. We are now at full weight lifting program. I miss the gym when I am not there now. I really have my mind set on this losing weight I am loving it. Have you heard of MyFitnessPal.com? It's a program where you put in all your calories you eat in a day. There is also message boards and friends list. I really like it, it seems to be helping me a lot. I can eat up to 1550 calories a day seems like a lot, but it goes fast especially when I work out on those days I like to eat more. I work up an appetite. I am going to keep it up and workout like I am suppose to most days. I might take Saturdays off we'll see. Spend it with the family mostly and besides Bren doesn't like me going to the gym without her she is funny that way she likes mommy around her a lot. Well I am excited about getting healthy and thanks for all the support in my fight for losing weight now. Like I said in my post on Facebook "I figure if I can get through chemo I can get through just about anything my next battle is weight loss. Feeling healthy. So one day you'll see me thin and healthy again. Goodnight all it's about 1 am need to get to sleep. Smiles all around!

Personal Trainer!

Hello, Well I have to admit the trainer was a great investment I can really feel the burn in my body. I ache where I didn't think I have any muscles. So that is a good thing. I really don't think my clothes are baggy on me yet Mark said "honey you just started give yourself a break." I got to tell you I do feel the burn in my body and it's a good burn too. I feel the exercises are working for me just have to eat less I think. I believe 1550 is too much for me, but my trainer says it's not. I am writing down every food item that goes into my mouth so that is a good thing too. Keeping that food journal. I just hate that it takes so long to lose weight but it will pay off in the end as long as I keep it up. Alex doesn't want me to get discouraged I told him well I probably will in the middle of working out at some point. It happens to ever one. He made me throw the medicine ball down on the ground like they do on Biggest Loser and I said I am getting my anger out. Alex asked me if I had anger? I told him sure do. I don't think I have gotten angry about the cancer yet and my childhood. Well it's all behind me now and I can move on he said. So true but it felt good to throw that ball down on the ground as hard as I could. It sure did work me out on the arms and back. Going to get rid of this back fat too. He is working my stomach a lot as well I am loving it. This working out can be so helpful to let the anger go to release it out of me. Working out can become an addiction. I think about the next time I can workout. I also love it that Alex isn't doing anything that I can't handle so far I can do most of what he has giving me to do. I like that. He is taking it nice and slow with me. The only problem is something happened last Friday Alex had another trainer help me because Alex had to leave. Well this trainer Jonathon made me do all these very extreme workouts and I hurt my neck on doing these pull ups. It was a shooting pain in my neck it hurt really bad too. I told him, but we just kept working out. So anyway that wasn't any fun getting hurt because my neck still bothers me. I have told my trainer and Jonathon and if it's still hurting they are going to get me a massage. I won't say no to that at all. I just hope I didn't do any major damage to my neck it does kind of worry me a bit. Would hate to have hurt my neck and have to get surgery or something like that. I don't need that right now. I have been icing it and taking IBU's 600 mg. I'll think positive and hopefully the pain will go away, but man it was severe sharp pain when I did that exercise I was very worried. It comes and goes now. I will have it checked out soon I feel I need to do that. Alex told me that the exercise Jonathon made me do was an advance exercise. I shouldn't have been doing that at all not with the weight that I am now. Not sure what Jonathon was thinking, but if it comes down to it he will pay for my medical expenses. He should have known better to do that to someone who hasn't worked out since I was in my twenties. Geez man, so glad Alex is my trainer he is easy going on me not so harsh. Glad it's not like the Biggest Loser, but that is a show all about the ratings so there is no need for a trainer to yell at the person that hired them. Gosh I can't wait to lose the weight I will feel so much better. My clothes will fit nice and I'll look so much better in my new body. Can't wait to see the after pictures of myself. I already know what the before pictures look like and those are no fun. You know when I put the title in the feild it just felt like it's a dream come true to have a personal trainer didn't think I would ever have one and it's so awesome to have a dream come true. Okay so it's one pound at a time for me or an inch at a time. So on that note I'll head to bed lord knows I need it getting a cold and body aches so off to bed now. More later~ I want to say a special thank you to Jude for reading my blog. Have a wonderful day everyone. Net

Family Issues

Hello, It's been a good week me hiring a personal trainer yeah it's expensive, but my health is a good investment. I am so proud of myself working out and doing things that I never thought I could actually do. It's a lot of hard work especially being this big right now but it's going to be so worth it. I am hoping I trade in eating for working out more. I get excited thinking about the next workout. I surprised myself I even worked out on Sunday. I don't usually do that on the weekends because I workout on the weekdays when the kids are in school. It is just so nice to be doing something for myself. I am totally loving it. My training days are Wednesday and Fridays. My friend Kelly told me I will have a lot of fun and she is right so far I am really enjoying it. I like to have the trainers push me, because I believe I need that extra help on losing this weight. My goal is to lose about 75 pounds by next August. Hey if it's more all the better. At this point I'll be happy to lose 5 pounds this week. If I lose 2 pounds that will be okay as well. I am reaching for the stars. I am going to do it this time lose this weight and going to feel so great. Thanks for all the supporters out there who give me strength and positive feed back. I sure can use it in a time like this. Okay so a lot has been on my mind lately. My mother-in-law broke her back again and I just feel horrible about it. I feel bad because they only way for me to help her if she came stayed with us, but we don't have the room and besides the bed I would have her sleep on is horrible for anyone's back. I wouldn't just have Betty here, but I would also have aunt Bev too. I really can't go to their home because I have the kids in school and if anything happen to them it would take me forty minutes to get to them. I feel bad not helping that much, but the only way I would help if they came here that is how I can do it. I wouldn't be able to do it for very long because Mark would go a little nuts having his mom here too long. I think he would feel bad for her and Lord knows he has his own things going on right now with college and work. Besides his mom gets on his nerves just a bit...but don't all mom's get on one's nerves from time to time especially when you live with them. Sorry mom (Jeanne) if you are reading this, but it's true. One day I'll be getting on my kid's last nerve. I guess that is what mom's do. So this has been on my mind and also what to do for them when my sister-in-law goes back to California. I don't see anyway around it but they need to go to assisted living or senior housing. A place where they can have help. I have to admit those two are very stubborn, but it's going to come down to it there is nothing else that can be done about it. I think when I get old I am going to do that go to assisted living facility so my kids won't have to take care of me. I don't want to burden my children they will be very young and I want them to live a great life and not be taking care of me. Sure they can come and visit that would be great, but I am going to do the assisted living or senior housing shoot I would even go to a nice rest home if I have to. You got to think about these things early in life not wait until you are all crippled and can't take care of yourself. Because yes one day we will be old. The facts of life. I am so grateful for my mom who told me she never wants me to take care of her she wants to be in a rest home. I do feel though if she has any trouble I would take care of her though. I couldn't take care of her last Christmas because I was having my own demons to deal with (cancer) yeah she hurt her knee really bad it was a really bad torn ligaments. I do bet if I wasn't in my own health crisis I would have been down there to help her. I don't know how many times she has told me though to put her in a rest home when she is too old to take care of herself. That is sweet mom, but we'll see how it goes you are still young and doing well so hang in there no rest home for you yet. I also wish a family member would stop pointing fingers at someone when their habit is just as bad. Yeah I have a lot on my mind and now it's time to go rest this mind of mine so more later~ net

Bucket List/ Goals!!

Hello! It was a lot of fun Halloween with the kid's fun had by all. We went to a Halloween party that my brother-in-law Ron had, the kids loved it. I got to sing Karaoke, which my daughter couldn't stand it she closed her ears when I sang. I think I embarrassed her to no end. I told Mark that she'll probably have to go to counseling when she is 20 yrs. old for the party. LOL We went trick or treating as well that was a blast even though I had to keep taking off Connor's costume head so he can see where he was going. We also went to the high school in town and Connor won a costume contest for Endermen from Mine Craft. I dressed up as the pink gal yep the cancer survivor this time. One year cancer free!! Well actually not yet it's not until the end of this month when I had my lumpectomy. I am thinking positive though so yeah cancer free no matter what. I did have a talk with Mark about some goals I want to do within five years. He said "you mean like a bucket list." I said "yeah pretty much." He didn't like it that much because he knows I am going to live a long time. Well then I said "how about some goals that I want to happen? He likes that much better. He just doesn't want me to stop at five years. Of course not I am going to live a long life just have to do some things in the meantime. I told Mark I want to take him to Ireland one day. He said that would be nice, but he wants me to go some where I would want to go. My next goal will be a Disney cruise in the Carrabin Mark loves that idea. Another fun thing I want to do is go on a Hawaii trip with my two best friends Rosa and Liz next year of course. We can celebrate being cancer free two years running. Sounds wonderful to me. Now I have to make the small goals happen like save some money. I also have a trip to my hometown for my 30th class reunion next year. I can't believe it's 30 years since High School. My goal for that is to lose some weight for it. So I have a lot of bucket list/ goals to meet. I want to do my Hawaii trip next year as well so losing the weight is a major deal. I want to be able to get on the plane and not ask for an extra seat belt. That would be a dream come true. Hey and maybe even wear a bikini swim suit that would be so awesome. I would have to get my new boobs first though so still thinking about reconstruction. That is for another entry. So it's time for my goals to drink more water, eat well and workout. I joined a gym so that is the first start. I see a trainer tomorrow that will be nice to have a personal trainer, but to tell you the truth I can't afford it right now, but what I learn tomorrow I'll use it to my advantage. I know it would be important for a personal trainer to help me, but they aren't cheap and I don't want to put us in the hole. So it will happen just not right now for a trainer. I know a lot of people that didn't have a trainer and lost weight. My cousin Linsey did it without a trainer she lost 50 lbs. She did it with WW and working out. I can do this I think I am ready because something clicked in me today. I can't explain it but I think I am ready to get this weight off. I don't want to be like this next year or 5 months from now just want to be healthy and look nice. Help myself esteem and confidence. I also want to be a good example for my children and body image is important to young kids especially girls like my daughter. I am not helping her for being overweight or helping my boy. It's time to getter done and lose this weight. I know the holidays are coming, but that is okay I can still have a merry time eating sensibly. I am going to do this if I can get through chemo therapy I can lose weight and I am going to do this. So lets see if I can lose like 10 pounds a month in 10 months that will be 100 lbs. That would be sweet. I would be happy if I even lose 6 pounds a month. Yeah the 10 pounds a month are better. I lost 2 pounds a month last week on Monday that is my weigh-in days. I wonder if I lost anything this week I sure hope so, but not weighing in until 6:30am. So on that note I think I'll sign off and go to bed. More later~ net

Proud to be Connor and Brenna's Mommy!

Hello, Wow today was such a great day! Mark and I got new cell phones which is awesome. LOVE IT!! I feel like I am in with the times now with my new phone. It's funny how we can get so excited about a phone. It takes beautiful pictures too just loved taking them of the kids today at the pumpkin patch. Oh honey this isn't your run of the mill type pumpkin patch this was the big city kind of one. A 20 acre corn maze, pony rides, zip line, tractor rides, hay rides, train rides and so much more. I have to tell you the most priceless moment for me was when we were in the corn maze and the family was looking at the maze map and I thought this is a pretty awesome family outing. It was so great to feel so good with my family. I just loved that moment, of course when the kids picked out their pumpkins that was pretty fun, and all the rides they went on that was pretty special as well. Brenna sure did like the tractor bike a lot she went on it about six times. Connor got to play laser tag he loved it of course a ten year old boy would. He did want to ride the bucking bronco, but hopefully next time we go out there. Brenna wanted to do the zip line as well, but we thought she might be a little too young for that, but she might like it, you never know. That is a next time kind of thing as well. It was such a great day the weather was so beautiful and cool such a great day had by all. When we got home another priceless moment is when Brenna and I made a book about our adventure today. She called it "Me and My Mommy." It brings tears to my eyes so special. She wrote in it and I wrote in it as well. I wrote about the corn maze and they hay ride she wrote about the pony ride and the tractor rides. She did all the art work in the book, because one thing for sure I can't draw worth beans. LOL It was special moment with my daughter writing that book I truly loved every minute of it. Brenna and I have been doing a lot together these days. We sing our made up songs together and read at bed time. I love my kid's company it means the world to me. Connor and I have time together as well. He liked it when I hang out with him while he reads his books at bed time. When he isn't reading he is telling me all about his time machine he is going to built one day. My little scientist. You know that movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs? Well the mother on that show bought his boy a lab coat. Well I did the same thing for my little guy because one day he will be a scientist I just know it. So proud of my kids they are such wonderful children. I feel very blessed and so proud to be their mommy. More later~

Grateful

Hello, How is everyone doing these days? I am doing well after surgery thank goodness that is over with. It wasn't so bad, but four surgeries in one year is too many. Just happy they are behind me now. I have to knock on wood because don't want any more surgeries until next year when getting reconstructive surgeries for new breast. Yeah I think I am going to go for it get new boobs. My daughter keeps asking me if they are going to grow back. Well they could actually if I go through with the surgeries. I really have missed my breast these last few weeks. I haven't worn my fake boobs for a little while due to the hysterectomy. Maybe I'll wear them tomorrow just to make me feel better about myself. I notice a difference when I don't wear them. My confidence isn't that great and I feel just not like myself when I don't have them on. Well I actually have been in menopause since February the chemo put me through that real fast, but now with the hysterectomy I feel even more well just blah some days. I feel like I have an empty pit in my stomach. Maybe I am grieving the loss of my uterus and ovaries. It could be I have had them all my life. I feel like I am in a little bit of a slump. Well I am not going to college now I decided to let that go until I am fully healed and also to let Mark finish his college. I think one of us going is enough for now. I have to say I am very proud of Mark for working full-time and going to school full-time not sure how he is doing it. He is sacrificing a lot with his family right now. He misses out on a lot of stuff he does come up for air once in a while and that is when we get to talk to him. He is a trooper though just working so hard and doing an excellent job both at school and at work. They love him at his job. He feels proud to be working for the State and I am so so proud of my man. Keep up the good work honey bun. You know I don't think he reads my blogs, but that is okay he has other things to do for now. I do have to say that I am looking forward to Thanksgiving I am very thankful to be alive and well so looking forward to making the Turkey and all the fixings. I just wish I had someone to come visit me, hint hint friends, mom. hmmm don't think they read my blog either..LOL I am batting a 100 right now aren't I? The only one bummer part of this Thanksgiving is mark only gets the Thursday off and has to work Friday...boo. Well at least he gets the weekend off so we can put up our tree. Yep it's a tradition to do that on Thanksgiving weekend. I love it so much I think the kids really get a kick out of it too. They get to see all their neat ornaments over the years we have gotten them. They are so fun to see again every year. Yeah you can say I am ready for the holidays. I have a lot to be so thankful this year. Did you know on October 17, 2013 will be a year knowing I had cancer? Yep it's just about a whole year and I went through some crazy bad ass stuff. It's amazing I still have my wits about me and not depressed. I am so grateful for that too. Because I know depression all too well it's not fun being mentally ill. Yeah I will say it I have an illness of the mind called major depression and I am so very grateful that during the whole process of the cancer I didn't let it effect my brain. The chemo had a field day with that, but I didn't let it rob me of anger. Wow it blows me away that I didn't become depressed it's serious folks some how I held my head high and came out a winner. Thank you God. I am still fighting like a girl and I am going to beat this. Now to beat the weight issue I tell you that is one battle that is a hard road to go down. I know I can do it because I have lost weight, but I tell you I am having struggles with it. I know I can do it but just staying committed that is key. You know wish I had some money I would hire a personal trainer and my own personal chef that would be a dream come true. Well I think I'll go dream about my weight loss success story and write more later~ net