1984 Reunion!

Hi Everyone! It's been a while since writing on my blog, but here I am ready to tell you about my class reunion it was a hit and a lot of fun to see everyone. First of all I drove to California with two kids in tow. It was a long drive, but I break it up in two days. After having chemo just can't do it in one day to hard on me. Anyway the kids and I had a good time driving to California made our stops and had a blast. We made it in Redding about 1 pm then headed to see my mother and brother in Red Bluff. It was good to see them mom was on the porch waiting for us to pull up in our little red Prius. We hung out with mom for a while until we headed to our motel room. I took the kids swimming it was a nice time especially to cool off in that Red Bluff heat. Yeah it was a hot one the week we were there. The next day we picked up our friend Steve and headed to the birthday party for Brenna at the Redding aquatic center. She had a great time swimming, cake and gifts. Rosa and her daughter came to the party that was sweet of them so grateful for my friend Rosa she is a special lady. Rosa was my date for my class reunion we met up at the casino Friday around 6:45 pm for dinner. I couldn't believe who I saw Curtis Baker, Sean Gillespie, Janet Moisey, Kelly Ross, Todd Ross, Nap Avila, Brendan McCaughey it was great seeing everyone. If I left you out it's just memory is bad. I just saw everyone I know from school. Can't forget my buddy Liz Morris who I had dinner with that night and her boyfriend Ross. Well it was comedy night and I lost mine and Rosa's tickets so wasn't sure if we could get in. Well after some talking to the will call man he let us go to the comedy night. It was fun had a great time laughing. We later went to the bar and mingled with everyone and then started our way to Lore's room to have a meeting about the reunion what was going to happen on Saturday night. It was nice to talk and have some drinks even though I don't drink due to medications it was nice watching other people drink and have a good time at it. We looked at the yearbook there was a lot of people at the reunion I didn't recognize because I didn't know them in high school like Bill Ausman, Brian Miller sorry fellas didn't know you in high school, but glad I got to chat with you at the reunion. So happy you made it for the reunion also. Rosa and I left the reunion about 1 am we had enough partying for the night. Oh forgot to tell you that my daughter and I had a pedicure on Wednesday at 5 pm together it was fun she loves it too. Then on Friday I had a massage it was perfect to start off the day. So anyway on Saturday afternoon we spent most of our time in the pool. Rosa and I got ready and made our way to the Saturday reunion night. This time I got to see everyone from the class it was a good turn out about 80 people showed up so it was a fun time. I was really happy to see Doug Buck he came up to my table and said hi. It was so good to see him. He was my first boyfriend in high school. I enjoyed catching up with him and so happy he is doing so well with his life in Florida. He is doing a great job teaching our youth. He seem to be having a great time taking pictures and talking to everyone. Love seeing friends you haven't seen in years. We enjoyed the buffet food it was very good. Then there was dancing to a great band country band that played rock and roll. It was a wonderful time. We all danced to the band it was such a blast and I notice Doug taking pictures and cutting loose on the dance floor also. We all had a great time. Especially as I was told Tina was a party animal. LOL We left the casino around 1:30 am had to take our friend Liz home she is a party animal too. The next day I didn't want to wake up the BBQ started at 11:30 am and I didn't get up until 11;00 am I was running late picking up my friend Steve. We made it to the picnic at 12:30 pm didn't see as many people the night before, but got to see Steve Hines haven't seen him since High School. We didn't stay long at the BBQ Brenna was getting bored there wasn't many children at the party. So we took off about 2:00 pm. I must say it was a great time to see old friends and make new ones. It was some good memories being made that weekend I'll never forget them. It was also nice to see my family didn't get to see a lot of you, but know that you are in my heart. Something is bothering me this week Robin Williams died of suicide my heart is heavy at this tragic news. I too suffer from depression so I know what pain he was in. I can't get over that he died I am in shock he made us laugh, but deep down he was so sad. I hope I never get that depressed again like I have many times. Reach out and get help if you are depressed. I always called someone when I was hurting I reached out for help and I will continue to reach out for help even when times are good. I want to talk with you now when things are good not when they are bad. Lets get together and talk to each other now. If you need to talk I am here for you. net

Way to go Connor!!!

Hi, I have to say I am so proud of my son Connor for trying out for the baseball team giving it his best and making it all the way to the championship winning team. I truly just love all the kids on the team they are amazing bunch of young boys and I am very proud of all of them. I am also giving a shout out to the coaches who did an amazing job for the team. I told them that it showed that they were the best coaches of the season and I wouldn't wanted my son to play for anyone else. It was so fun watching the team win tonight I just got so caught up in watching it was just so exciting. Way to go Rangers!! My boy came a long way from the beginning of his first game to his last game so so proud of him for sticking with it and even loving the game as well. I think he learned a little about himself and also made a son and his father bond together. Mark helped Connor so much he wanted to be there for his son and he was. At times a little hard on Connor, but sometimes dad's got to do that. I am hoping Connor plays next year as well it would be so good for him. I got a kick out of it myself. Congratulations Boys!!! Well I have been doing okay I think I am a little depressed because a lot of stuff I liked to do before not so much now. It's not a bad depression just have the homesick blues I think. I am missing my friends and family in California very much. I can't wait to get back to see everyone in August for the class reunion that is going to be such a blast. It's coming up and I haven't lost much weight like I wanted to. I still have time only like two months though geez. Time flies. I better get with it want to lose at least 25 lbs. well more if I can, but if I can get this extra weight off that would be great for me. I can do it. I look forward to seeing all my family and friends it's going to be so up beat that will get me out of the blues. I hope Mark can come too he is trying everything he can to have the animals watched for us so he can make it out with us. We might be able to have his mom come to our home and watch the animals hope she will go for it. I have some plans for this coming up in August already my friend Steve is taking us out to the bowling alley for some bowling then go out to dinner. It should be a nice time. I better tell Mark so he can bring his bowling balls so he can bowl a few games. LOL I doubt if he would pack those things around with him to California. HAHA Then of course we have the class reunion to go to Friday night, Saturday night and then BBQ Sunday. It's going to be non stop fun for everyone at this reunion. I believe I am only staying a week in California so have to cram a lot of friends and family in a short amount of time. Mark only took like six days off so have to go with that for now. It will be okay now if he doesn't come maybe I can stay for two weeks? It's an idea Mark won't like it, but the kids and I will. Just putting it out there you never know it might work out. Well I haven't heard from my job coach in sometime now. I guess she is having a hard time finding me a job. It's probably a good thing because I tore my rotator cuff left shoulder. I am pretty bummed out about it because it means I am getting older and I am falling apart. I am starting physical therapy soon and I am hoping they can take care of it with that with some time to heal. I don't need any other surgeries. Well now of course I am considering the reconstruction breast surgery yeah I am thinking I want to go for new breast. I see my plastic surgeon next week so we'll see how that goes. I am looking forward to what he has to say about my reconstruction surgery see what it entails for me. I'll keep you posted on that for sure. Well more later~~ Net

Back on Track!!

Hi, Well it's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I must say I've been feeling much better since taking the medicine for my thyroid. I don't sleep as often, but don't get me wrong I do take small naps during the day when feel like it. At least I am not lethargic any more. That was a rough patch. I started the YMCA live strong program for cancer survivors it's great have a trainer twice a week for 12 weeks can't beat that oh and did I tell you it's free? Love anything free that is the plus side about it and get all the extras that the gym has to offer. Well I also am looking for a job I did my 20 hours of work for the one week the work evaluation. It went really well just haven't heard back from my job coach yet she is looking for a job for me now. I am actively looking myself so two of us will happen to find something I am sure. I am looking for work as a receptionist in a medical office or it could be any type of office really just prefer medical like to help others. Well it will be interesting if I do get a job now because the kids are out of school tomorrow actually. Yep the last day of school so happy about that. I like the break myself no more bedtime routine, get to sleep in, no more homework, just get to have slumber parties all summer. YAY!! The only thing if I did get a job I would have to pay for daycare now because of the summer. So not sure if it would pay enough to do the daycare thing right now. So we'll see how it goes. Well I have my friend Steve back into my life he had a trouble marriage and now is single again. She was highly possessive woman so it didn't work out. So now I got my friend back and it's great we have a good time texting and chatting on the phone. He is so funny he makes me laugh. He is a good guy and I care about him very much. Welcome back Steve!! Okay so it's only 4 months until my 30th class reunion and time is ticking I need to lose some weight and I mean now. I'll be so bummed if I don't at least drop 25 lbs. I want to shoot for 45lbs. by August I would feel so much better about myself. Steve, my mom and I are in a contest to see how much weight we can lose starting tomorrow we are going to do this thing. I got to get in the mind set and do it. I have been having a terrible sweet tooth lately so need to curve that right away. No more sodas shoot I know what to do just need to apply it and get back on track. Well I must say I am very proud of my son Connor doing so well in baseball he has come a long way hitting the ball and catching so well. Way to go son so proud of you. My little Brenna has been doing good also playing the piano, but she rather do gymnastics instead she said. Got to get them involved over the summer with some activities they are going to go to a summer camp soon. That will be so fun for them. I am excited for them. Can't wait to register them into the camp tomorrow. More later net~~

Healing

Hi! It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. To tell you the truth haven't felt like much of anything especially writing. I found out it was my thyroid making me feel sluggish and lethargic. I still do for the most part, but making my way into life again. Yeah my thyroid panel shown that I was on the low side so they gave me medicine to get me back in the swing of things so here I am writing about it. I really can't say when it started feeling tired and sleeping a lot, it must have been in February because I wrote on my blog in January so all was doing pretty good then. In away I feel like when I was back having surgeries and trying to recoup from them. That is the best way I know how to describe this tired feeling I have going on right now. I do hope the medicine starts to take affect so I can start feeling like doing things again. I am going to try and go back to work still working on that. I have a job coach and I get to work at City Hall soon for a evaluation to see if I even want to work again. Once I feel better I know I will want to work out side the home. Well I started the live strong program at the YMCA that will be good for me. It's for cancer survivors so that is me fighting my way through the cancer still. I sometimes forget I had cancer and just keep going on with life. We had a CLIMB reunion the program in which my kids went to when I had treatment. It was a good time and the kids really enjoyed themselves. We made a family mosaic to celebrate life. We wrote all the bad things that went along with cancer on our frame then covered them up with our art work. We look forward to when we get it back. You know I went back to RB the last week of March and it was an okay time, but to tell you the truth I was so tired didn't have the greatest time then. All my friends said I felt down and my mother said I was in slow motion. I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see either it was pretty much lack of just being tired. Of course we know now it was my thyroid acting up. I didn't know it was that until I got back from the trip. I am surprised I drove that long trip since feeling so blah glad God got us there and back. Well the kids are doing well they are involved in some fun things this year. Brenna is taking piano lessons and Connor is playing baseball. It's fun to watch the kids learn something new. I have to say my husband is on them pretty good when it comes to the sport and lessons. He didn't have his father help him when he was young so he is making sure he helps his children. Mark was a little bummed out tonight I didn't have dinner ready for anyone tonight and I think he was hungry. I made something for the kids, but nothing for Mark and I. Then Brenna wasn't practicing the piano and Mark was at his wits end. He says he never catches a break not sure exactly what he is talking about really because he has us so that is all that matters right?! I am kind of irritated with my husband because we haven't been on a date for a very long time. We don't have a regular babysitter so it's best I try and get one huh?! Our 12th anniversary is coming up next weekend and we don't have anything planned. It's pretty sad if you ask me. I was going to ask a friend to watch the kids, but her mother is going to be in town so that is out. So I guess we won't be doing anything exciting that evening. We usually go some where fun on our anniversary go some where and spend the night or go to Las Vegas that was a fun time. I have to say the last few anniversaries have been a bust. It doesn't help when all your friends/mom live in another State and grandma is laid up from back surgery. I need to make more friends in this area I tell you what. I have some friends, but there not like my home girls in California. No one can replace them that is for sure. I even got my good friend Steve back into my life that is great news. He and I go way back when I played little league. We have stayed friends throughout the years and it's great to have him back in my life again. Sometimes I wish I could move back to California I think my life would be a whole lot different and more upbeat if I had my friends around me more. I also could help my mother with my ill brother Jeff. Lord knows she needs the help with him. He is very sick and needs 24 hour care. Who knows maybe one day I'll find myself back in California one never knows. Until then I'll make the most of it here in Idaho. Some good news Mark is thinking about graduating early in November instead of next March. Yeah that will be so exciting for him. It's been a tough battle for him and the kids and I. We don't see him very much he has to study on the weekends and it takes up a lot of his time. In the long run it will pay off then he plans on going for his Master's degree so very proud of him. Keep up the good work honey you are a hero working full-time and going to school overtime. We Love you even though you get on my nerves sometimes but that what husbands do it's all good as my brother would say. More later~ net

Looking forward!

Hello! I haven't written anything since Christmas and wow that has been over now for over a month. It's the end of January already. Time flies when don't have any work to do outside the home. Yeah talking about going back to work. I sometimes feel I am ready, then other times think man, but I can sleep when I want do what ever I want feels great. Then there is the side that want to get out and meet people, feel confident, just be with others. Oh and make some money would be nice as well. So I am in the process of getting myself out there. I applied for some receptionists positions here in the State, but no word yet. I am sure there are a lot of people looking for work. Something will happen when it's time. As a matter of fact it might not be time just yet because I would like to go on my spring vacation to California in March so maybe it might be best to wait until that trip is over. I really need to get out of the house and see my friends and family. The kids and I haven't done anything fun in some time, heck either has Mark for that matter. All he does is study. Poor guy just study, study, study it will pay off one of these days just have to bare with him. In the meantime we just need to go some where the kids and I do something fun. I am taking the kids to the YMCA this weekend they need to get out and enjoy life not sit around playing video games all the time. I was thinking when football season comes back in going to take them to a Broncos football game in Boise that would be a fun time too. They would get a kick at that cheering on the team. I have some ideas up my sleeve to get the kids off the couch and into some fun stuff. I just feel the spring break will be a good thing for them. Plus I get to see my friends and family that will be great for me. Rosa has it all planned out for her birthday weekend it will be a fun time going out dancing and partying. Can't wait to celebrate her birthday that will be so much fun. She was here last year on my birthday even through the chemo we made it a good time. Well another birthday this year can't believe going to be 48 that is wild. Almost 50 years old that blows me away. I can't believe that I am this age time surely flies by when having a good life. Sure it's been interesting with some bumps, and bruises along the way, but a good life. I cherish my children and husband so much that makes it a good life right there. Simply priceless having my children I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so proud of them and so grateful for them my life is special because of them in my life. I thank God every day for my children and husband. Yes 50 is around the corner but going to make the next 50 years even better. :-) I am looking forward to a great time going back to work that is my goal, my trip to California and losing weight for my 30th class reunion. It's coming up real soon too. I better get on the wagon and lose this weight. I am trying going to the gym, eating healthy getting it done for my health. I wish you well happy days for you all. More later~ Net

Christmas!

Hi, Well I like to talk about being in the spirit of Christmas. I am really into it this year probably because I am not thinking about cancer and worrying about chemo like I was last year. All I am thinking about is having a wonderful Christmas and sharing it with my loving family. There is someone I am thinking about at this time and that is my grams she loved Christmas so much and her birthday was on December 28th. She is very missed. It's funny soon after Thanksgiving I start thinking of who I can buy for and that is when the shopping starts. Poor Mark he needs a second job just to pay for me shopping for everyone. I have to admit I do shop a lot for our children buy them little gifts want them to have a nice Christmas. It just gets me in the spirit of Christmas when I think of others. Isn't that what the holidays are all about other people and thinking about them? At least the kids I bought Connor's friend a gift plus his two sisters, mom and dad couldn't leave out the parents. I bought his other friend Willie something too. Then I bought Connor's girlfriend Amber a gift plus her two sisters and the mom. Warms my heart to do that and makes me feel the spirit of Christmas. I plan on buying my mail man I a gift as well. I think you are suppose to give money, but I want to buy him something nice. Haven't figured it out yet. It will come to me. Yeah it sure would be nice to have a house full of family and friends this year sure would have enjoyed that, but all my friends and family live in California. No I haven't made many friends here, sure there are people that I know here and like, but there is nothing like my good buddies in California that could never be replaced. I miss you and you know who you are. I would even love to share this Christmas with my mother-in-law Betty, but she isn't able to travel at this time. A huge thank you to my sister-in-law Kathleen for helping grandma and Bev. Well we had a scare there a couple of weeks ago with Connor fainting. He had some kind of bug, but also dehydrated and lack of sleep. He is fine now, but still thinks about it, it really scared him. Let's just say he drinks plenty of water and gets his rest. You know it could have been the flu shot that made him sick. That was a month ago, but maybe it made him ill it just took time to get a reaction from it. That is just a theory because all Connor's blood work came back great. I am just so glad he is okay because that scared me so much to see your son turn white and faint in your arms. I am so glad I was here and it wasn't at school. God is looking out for my little man. Praise God. So now that is behind us we still keep a close eye on Connor. Brenna was worried about Connor too her big brother and all. I feel so blessed to have my children. I am one happy mommy. Gosh I just don't want my kids to grow up I want them to stay little for a long time. One day they will be all grown up and then I'll get to have grandchildren not rushing it, but I see how happy my friends are that have grandchildren and it must be a special feeling. One day it will happen. In the meantime we'll celebrate this wonderful Christmas and count our blessings. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! Net

Feel the Burn!

Hello! Well it's 3 am and that is when I do most of my writing on my blog. I tell Mark that this is when I am the best creatively. Actually I was up because my daughter came and got me like I told her to if she starts to cough too much. She is now sleeping so I believe she'll hang in there. We plan to go to the movies tomorrow morning to see the movie Frozen. My husband wants to see it too. It looks really cute love the snowman in the film. So let's see what's on my mind lately. I have been thinking about Brendan a lot and wish him well and my prayers go out for him. Cancer Sucks!! I wish him well and he has a good recovery from surgery coming up soon. It's real hard when you have known someone you grew up with and they get cancer makes you think of your own mortality. I have been thinking a lot about dying lately every since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. The good thing is I would be with God, the bad thing is I would hate to leave my family and that bothers me. I am not sure exactly why I am thinking about dying shoot I guess everyone thinks about it from time to time, but I've been a little OCD about it. Maybe because I have the mutated gene and my chances of getting another cancer is high so yeah I am a little freaked out about it, but try not to get me down. I have to go on and live life heck I am not dead. KEEP CALM and LIVE ON~ that is my new motto. I just put it on Facebook. I want to stop thinking about dying and start living. I do have a lot of time on my hands because I don't have a job outside the home. I haven't got anything to sink my teeth into like school or work, but I do have my lovely children to care for and that is a good thing. I just have these thoughts it could be that I am reaching the good old ripe age of 50 and I just not looking forward to being 50 it blows me away. I think geez I don't remember my 30's all that well. The best thing that happen to me in my 30's is I met Mark got married and had our first baby that was the best years of my life. Then turning 40 had my baby girl so amazing. I do remember my forties much more than 30's the first half anyway. I feel like I needed to try and get this weight off along time ago. I am upset with myself for keeping the weight on. I know medication plays a roll in my weight gain, but geez I can at least try to get it off. Well I am not going into my 50's heavy doing something about it now. I did think that I might have to tweak my calorie intake to less than 1550 calories though. I am thinking more like 1300 calories instead. That could work for me to lose this weight. You see I was 276 last week the flu bug and working out, but now I gained five pounds back. It really bothers me. My trainer and I are working on weight lifting now so maybe I am gaining muscle we all know it weighs more. I know it's going to take a while for me to lose weight like at least a year, but I get so impatient with the process. I keep thinking to myself that is okay next year at this time I will be down in my weight so that is what keeps me going. I also think of what this gal said on YouTube yeah I watch success stories helps motivates me. Well she said I don't care what you do as long as you are moving the weight will come off. That is stuck in my brain. So if I keep working out and keep moving I'll will get this weight off. The last two days I've been going to the gym once in morning and again in the evening. The kids are coming with me because I want them to see me working out and just maybe it will grow on them and they will know we have to take care of our bodies start them young. I love the thought of me working out now because my chances of the cancer is less percentage of coming back and that is terrific. I will refuse to have it come back so working out strong. Last night worked out really good with cardio forty minutes on the treadmill uphill and ten minutes on the bike. It felt so good to feel the burn. I really enjoy my trainer he works me out where I can handle it and I know it's going to help me in the long run so can't wait to work with him twice a week. I've decided though not to hire him in February because I so much want to go to California in March for spring break so need to be able to afford it. A trainer is a lot of money so I am taking that money and going to California. I need this trip really bad just miss everyone so much. I feel lonely lately too without my friends and family around the Holidays so I am going on that spring trip if Mark likes it or not. Sorry Mark, but a woman has to do what a woman has to do. I don't want the kids hanging around the house watching T.V. or the IPAD we will have a much better time in California seeing my mom, brother and all my friends. Fun times! I am hoping to be down about 24 lbs. by then too that would be sweet. I am looking forward to the trip very much so. I need it now actually, but I'll wait. Patience is a virtue. It will be a blast not just for me, but for the kids they need to see everyone in California especially grandma Jeanne, uncle Jeff and Randy. I am so looking forward to it. Love having a plan to go some where. Mark won't be coming with us again he has to work, but he will be fine for a week. Now my Bailey girl she might not like me gone my sweet dog. It's better than three weeks like in the summer when we were gone that long. Mark missed us really bad and us him. Well it's 4 am now time to get back to sleep. I'll write more later. Thank you for reading my blog. Net

Regrets

Hello! This is going to be random topic today. You know I read something on Facebook that really caught my attention. It was the nurse that revealed the top five regrets people make on their death beds. It really got me thinking about it and I even wrote it in my journal. Let me go over them again so you know what I am talking about. Number 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 2. I wish I didn't work so hard. 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 5. I wish I had let myself be happier. I really enjoyed reading this article and it really has stayed with me. You see I am really good at number four and I am proud to say I have kept my friends for many years and I love them deeply. So I don't think I'll regret that on my death bed. Hopefully many many years from now. ;-) I do feel I am happier these days now that I am cancer free and after going through what I did this last year oh boy things look so different to me now. I don't sweat the small stuff any more and keep a smile on my face even when times are tough because if I can get through that damn chemo every day is a good day for me now. The one I probably need to work on the most is sharing my feelings to people that done me wrong. I am one of those people that don't say anything just to keep the peace, but it really bothers me later. Well from now on I plan to open up and if someone wrongs me I plan to speak my mind. For an example there is someone that needs to know how I feel now and I won't say any names, but she will know who she is. To this person you have hurt me in so many ways just by your hurtful words. You one time said all my boyfriends are weird, but so much I just kept quiet but my comment back to you at least I didn't marry all of mine. Also when I shared with the family that I was having another child you were so cold and didn't even say congratulations you just asked "are you sure you want to have another one." That really hurt me I thought you would have been more excited for me. I just feel that for some reason you target me and are so cruel in your comments towards me. I don't know what I have ever done to you for this type of treatment. There is one thing I didn't understand when I had one of my surgeries you told me on the phone that I didn't have to call and let you now how I was. That was just so strange to me. Also what broke the camels back is when at the fundraiser for me you were so unfair in how you handled things and the comment that kicked me when I was down really hurt me. You said and I quote you "now that you have no boobs you look pregnant." Why are you so cruel and so blunt with your words. Are you unhappy with your life? Because you make others around you miserable with your mean words and your actions. You say people shouldn't smoke when you shouldn't drink so much. You need to see those three fingers pointing back at you. I have decided to not be around people that bring me down and if you ever say a mean word to me again I will let you have it next time. I won't hold back any more because I don't deserve what you dish out. I am so happy I am me even what I have dealt with in my life. I am happy that I am a nice person and glad that I don't say things to bring people down just to make me feel good. I love my life and plan to do better and if that means keeping you at bay so be it. I don't need mean people in my life. Okay now that I said my peace I feel much better even if you don't read this at least I wrote my feelings down. Don't hate LOVE! Thanks for reading my blog for the ones that do it means so much to me the support I get from my friends. I love my friends deeply and want to have you in my life so much. Thank you for being kind to me.

Feeling Better!

Hello! It's been an interesting week well not really. I was sick with the flu and felt like I was going to die. I kept having thoughts me being in the ER and dying all sorts of bad things going through my mind. I had a temp of 102.1 man I was feeling like crap!! You know that feeling when you just can't move out of bed oh man it was horrible. So glad I am feeling better now I just have a cold and coughing a lot. Yep getting old peeing my pants with every cough. We'll see how many people read my blog now they can call me Mrs. Peabody...LOL I am not a shame to say it many people it happens to them. I'll just put it out there for everyone to know that way they aren't alone when it comes to that. Great news on Monday my weigh-in day I lost 9 pounds so excited about that. It really does help working with my trainer and having the flu helps lose weight. So it hasn't been that bad of week hey I got back in the gym today (Friday 11/22/13) So all is going well now just have to get my husband to mellow out though. Yeah that is my topic for this blog. My husband Mark. As some of you know he works full-time and goes to college probably more than full-time poor guy. He is very busy. What I have noticed is he has been either stressed out or just concern about the kids. You see he has been getting on the kids with their homework, but the only thing is his voice is raised when explaining their homework to them. It kind of concerns me him pretty much loud voice while teaching the children their homework. It's like he is so frustrated with them. He must be stressed out or something he also gets stressed behind the wheel of a car. Well we all do, but he goes to extremes he flashes his lights at people if they do a wrong move that Mark doesn't like. He really hates people not going the speed limit. I think Mark can be like a road ragger at times. I don't know it just has been bothering me lately. Also another thing that has been bothering me is Mark isn't a jungle gym kind of daddy. That means a daddy that lets the kids jump all over him and they tickle each other get on the floor type daddy and let the kids ride on his back. I take that back he has done it when they were babies, but I did notice something last night our son was trying to tickle Mark, but Mark just would say "okay son" and walk away. I think our son is wanting Mark's attention that is why he keeps trying to tickle Mark, but mark doesn't have any part of it. He might tickle Connor back once but not like what I think he should do like a million tickles. It bothers me lately. Hmmm it just dawned on me, maybe I am the one that needs to mellow out. Mark is a hard working man and does so much for his family. I guess I think I have a lot a time on my hands I am just looking at mark's faults. Believe me I have my own share of faults so what I am saying is that Mark is a great father and loving husband, but he is just a little stressed out these days I got to cut him some slack. Thank you honey for everything you do for us. We love you. To tell you the truth Mark doesn't read my blogs. Shoot I can really vent if I want to so maybe another time. Right now I want to talk about my weight loss goals. I am so excited about it. I feel like I am really going to lose weight this time. It will be some hard work because I have to deal with medication too. The meds balloon me up pretty bad so have to work extra hard getting this weight off. I really just am loving my trainer he really knows what he is doing too. He works me out just right not too soft or not to hard. I still feel the burn and that is a good thing. We are now at full weight lifting program. I miss the gym when I am not there now. I really have my mind set on this losing weight I am loving it. Have you heard of MyFitnessPal.com? It's a program where you put in all your calories you eat in a day. There is also message boards and friends list. I really like it, it seems to be helping me a lot. I can eat up to 1550 calories a day seems like a lot, but it goes fast especially when I work out on those days I like to eat more. I work up an appetite. I am going to keep it up and workout like I am suppose to most days. I might take Saturdays off we'll see. Spend it with the family mostly and besides Bren doesn't like me going to the gym without her she is funny that way she likes mommy around her a lot. Well I am excited about getting healthy and thanks for all the support in my fight for losing weight now. Like I said in my post on Facebook "I figure if I can get through chemo I can get through just about anything my next battle is weight loss. Feeling healthy. So one day you'll see me thin and healthy again. Goodnight all it's about 1 am need to get to sleep. Smiles all around!

Personal Trainer!

Hello, Well I have to admit the trainer was a great investment I can really feel the burn in my body. I ache where I didn't think I have any muscles. So that is a good thing. I really don't think my clothes are baggy on me yet Mark said "honey you just started give yourself a break." I got to tell you I do feel the burn in my body and it's a good burn too. I feel the exercises are working for me just have to eat less I think. I believe 1550 is too much for me, but my trainer says it's not. I am writing down every food item that goes into my mouth so that is a good thing too. Keeping that food journal. I just hate that it takes so long to lose weight but it will pay off in the end as long as I keep it up. Alex doesn't want me to get discouraged I told him well I probably will in the middle of working out at some point. It happens to ever one. He made me throw the medicine ball down on the ground like they do on Biggest Loser and I said I am getting my anger out. Alex asked me if I had anger? I told him sure do. I don't think I have gotten angry about the cancer yet and my childhood. Well it's all behind me now and I can move on he said. So true but it felt good to throw that ball down on the ground as hard as I could. It sure did work me out on the arms and back. Going to get rid of this back fat too. He is working my stomach a lot as well I am loving it. This working out can be so helpful to let the anger go to release it out of me. Working out can become an addiction. I think about the next time I can workout. I also love it that Alex isn't doing anything that I can't handle so far I can do most of what he has giving me to do. I like that. He is taking it nice and slow with me. The only problem is something happened last Friday Alex had another trainer help me because Alex had to leave. Well this trainer Jonathon made me do all these very extreme workouts and I hurt my neck on doing these pull ups. It was a shooting pain in my neck it hurt really bad too. I told him, but we just kept working out. So anyway that wasn't any fun getting hurt because my neck still bothers me. I have told my trainer and Jonathon and if it's still hurting they are going to get me a massage. I won't say no to that at all. I just hope I didn't do any major damage to my neck it does kind of worry me a bit. Would hate to have hurt my neck and have to get surgery or something like that. I don't need that right now. I have been icing it and taking IBU's 600 mg. I'll think positive and hopefully the pain will go away, but man it was severe sharp pain when I did that exercise I was very worried. It comes and goes now. I will have it checked out soon I feel I need to do that. Alex told me that the exercise Jonathon made me do was an advance exercise. I shouldn't have been doing that at all not with the weight that I am now. Not sure what Jonathon was thinking, but if it comes down to it he will pay for my medical expenses. He should have known better to do that to someone who hasn't worked out since I was in my twenties. Geez man, so glad Alex is my trainer he is easy going on me not so harsh. Glad it's not like the Biggest Loser, but that is a show all about the ratings so there is no need for a trainer to yell at the person that hired them. Gosh I can't wait to lose the weight I will feel so much better. My clothes will fit nice and I'll look so much better in my new body. Can't wait to see the after pictures of myself. I already know what the before pictures look like and those are no fun. You know when I put the title in the feild it just felt like it's a dream come true to have a personal trainer didn't think I would ever have one and it's so awesome to have a dream come true. Okay so it's one pound at a time for me or an inch at a time. So on that note I'll head to bed lord knows I need it getting a cold and body aches so off to bed now. More later~ I want to say a special thank you to Jude for reading my blog. Have a wonderful day everyone. Net

Family Issues

Hello, It's been a good week me hiring a personal trainer yeah it's expensive, but my health is a good investment. I am so proud of myself working out and doing things that I never thought I could actually do. It's a lot of hard work especially being this big right now but it's going to be so worth it. I am hoping I trade in eating for working out more. I get excited thinking about the next workout. I surprised myself I even worked out on Sunday. I don't usually do that on the weekends because I workout on the weekdays when the kids are in school. It is just so nice to be doing something for myself. I am totally loving it. My training days are Wednesday and Fridays. My friend Kelly told me I will have a lot of fun and she is right so far I am really enjoying it. I like to have the trainers push me, because I believe I need that extra help on losing this weight. My goal is to lose about 75 pounds by next August. Hey if it's more all the better. At this point I'll be happy to lose 5 pounds this week. If I lose 2 pounds that will be okay as well. I am reaching for the stars. I am going to do it this time lose this weight and going to feel so great. Thanks for all the supporters out there who give me strength and positive feed back. I sure can use it in a time like this. Okay so a lot has been on my mind lately. My mother-in-law broke her back again and I just feel horrible about it. I feel bad because they only way for me to help her if she came stayed with us, but we don't have the room and besides the bed I would have her sleep on is horrible for anyone's back. I wouldn't just have Betty here, but I would also have aunt Bev too. I really can't go to their home because I have the kids in school and if anything happen to them it would take me forty minutes to get to them. I feel bad not helping that much, but the only way I would help if they came here that is how I can do it. I wouldn't be able to do it for very long because Mark would go a little nuts having his mom here too long. I think he would feel bad for her and Lord knows he has his own things going on right now with college and work. Besides his mom gets on his nerves just a bit...but don't all mom's get on one's nerves from time to time especially when you live with them. Sorry mom (Jeanne) if you are reading this, but it's true. One day I'll be getting on my kid's last nerve. I guess that is what mom's do. So this has been on my mind and also what to do for them when my sister-in-law goes back to California. I don't see anyway around it but they need to go to assisted living or senior housing. A place where they can have help. I have to admit those two are very stubborn, but it's going to come down to it there is nothing else that can be done about it. I think when I get old I am going to do that go to assisted living facility so my kids won't have to take care of me. I don't want to burden my children they will be very young and I want them to live a great life and not be taking care of me. Sure they can come and visit that would be great, but I am going to do the assisted living or senior housing shoot I would even go to a nice rest home if I have to. You got to think about these things early in life not wait until you are all crippled and can't take care of yourself. Because yes one day we will be old. The facts of life. I am so grateful for my mom who told me she never wants me to take care of her she wants to be in a rest home. I do feel though if she has any trouble I would take care of her though. I couldn't take care of her last Christmas because I was having my own demons to deal with (cancer) yeah she hurt her knee really bad it was a really bad torn ligaments. I do bet if I wasn't in my own health crisis I would have been down there to help her. I don't know how many times she has told me though to put her in a rest home when she is too old to take care of herself. That is sweet mom, but we'll see how it goes you are still young and doing well so hang in there no rest home for you yet. I also wish a family member would stop pointing fingers at someone when their habit is just as bad. Yeah I have a lot on my mind and now it's time to go rest this mind of mine so more later~ net

Bucket List/ Goals!!

Hello! It was a lot of fun Halloween with the kid's fun had by all. We went to a Halloween party that my brother-in-law Ron had, the kids loved it. I got to sing Karaoke, which my daughter couldn't stand it she closed her ears when I sang. I think I embarrassed her to no end. I told Mark that she'll probably have to go to counseling when she is 20 yrs. old for the party. LOL We went trick or treating as well that was a blast even though I had to keep taking off Connor's costume head so he can see where he was going. We also went to the high school in town and Connor won a costume contest for Endermen from Mine Craft. I dressed up as the pink gal yep the cancer survivor this time. One year cancer free!! Well actually not yet it's not until the end of this month when I had my lumpectomy. I am thinking positive though so yeah cancer free no matter what. I did have a talk with Mark about some goals I want to do within five years. He said "you mean like a bucket list." I said "yeah pretty much." He didn't like it that much because he knows I am going to live a long time. Well then I said "how about some goals that I want to happen? He likes that much better. He just doesn't want me to stop at five years. Of course not I am going to live a long life just have to do some things in the meantime. I told Mark I want to take him to Ireland one day. He said that would be nice, but he wants me to go some where I would want to go. My next goal will be a Disney cruise in the Carrabin Mark loves that idea. Another fun thing I want to do is go on a Hawaii trip with my two best friends Rosa and Liz next year of course. We can celebrate being cancer free two years running. Sounds wonderful to me. Now I have to make the small goals happen like save some money. I also have a trip to my hometown for my 30th class reunion next year. I can't believe it's 30 years since High School. My goal for that is to lose some weight for it. So I have a lot of bucket list/ goals to meet. I want to do my Hawaii trip next year as well so losing the weight is a major deal. I want to be able to get on the plane and not ask for an extra seat belt. That would be a dream come true. Hey and maybe even wear a bikini swim suit that would be so awesome. I would have to get my new boobs first though so still thinking about reconstruction. That is for another entry. So it's time for my goals to drink more water, eat well and workout. I joined a gym so that is the first start. I see a trainer tomorrow that will be nice to have a personal trainer, but to tell you the truth I can't afford it right now, but what I learn tomorrow I'll use it to my advantage. I know it would be important for a personal trainer to help me, but they aren't cheap and I don't want to put us in the hole. So it will happen just not right now for a trainer. I know a lot of people that didn't have a trainer and lost weight. My cousin Linsey did it without a trainer she lost 50 lbs. She did it with WW and working out. I can do this I think I am ready because something clicked in me today. I can't explain it but I think I am ready to get this weight off. I don't want to be like this next year or 5 months from now just want to be healthy and look nice. Help myself esteem and confidence. I also want to be a good example for my children and body image is important to young kids especially girls like my daughter. I am not helping her for being overweight or helping my boy. It's time to getter done and lose this weight. I know the holidays are coming, but that is okay I can still have a merry time eating sensibly. I am going to do this if I can get through chemo therapy I can lose weight and I am going to do this. So lets see if I can lose like 10 pounds a month in 10 months that will be 100 lbs. That would be sweet. I would be happy if I even lose 6 pounds a month. Yeah the 10 pounds a month are better. I lost 2 pounds a month last week on Monday that is my weigh-in days. I wonder if I lost anything this week I sure hope so, but not weighing in until 6:30am. So on that note I think I'll sign off and go to bed. More later~ net

Proud to be Connor and Brenna's Mommy!

Hello, Wow today was such a great day! Mark and I got new cell phones which is awesome. LOVE IT!! I feel like I am in with the times now with my new phone. It's funny how we can get so excited about a phone. It takes beautiful pictures too just loved taking them of the kids today at the pumpkin patch. Oh honey this isn't your run of the mill type pumpkin patch this was the big city kind of one. A 20 acre corn maze, pony rides, zip line, tractor rides, hay rides, train rides and so much more. I have to tell you the most priceless moment for me was when we were in the corn maze and the family was looking at the maze map and I thought this is a pretty awesome family outing. It was so great to feel so good with my family. I just loved that moment, of course when the kids picked out their pumpkins that was pretty fun, and all the rides they went on that was pretty special as well. Brenna sure did like the tractor bike a lot she went on it about six times. Connor got to play laser tag he loved it of course a ten year old boy would. He did want to ride the bucking bronco, but hopefully next time we go out there. Brenna wanted to do the zip line as well, but we thought she might be a little too young for that, but she might like it, you never know. That is a next time kind of thing as well. It was such a great day the weather was so beautiful and cool such a great day had by all. When we got home another priceless moment is when Brenna and I made a book about our adventure today. She called it "Me and My Mommy." It brings tears to my eyes so special. She wrote in it and I wrote in it as well. I wrote about the corn maze and they hay ride she wrote about the pony ride and the tractor rides. She did all the art work in the book, because one thing for sure I can't draw worth beans. LOL It was special moment with my daughter writing that book I truly loved every minute of it. Brenna and I have been doing a lot together these days. We sing our made up songs together and read at bed time. I love my kid's company it means the world to me. Connor and I have time together as well. He liked it when I hang out with him while he reads his books at bed time. When he isn't reading he is telling me all about his time machine he is going to built one day. My little scientist. You know that movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs? Well the mother on that show bought his boy a lab coat. Well I did the same thing for my little guy because one day he will be a scientist I just know it. So proud of my kids they are such wonderful children. I feel very blessed and so proud to be their mommy. More later~

Grateful

Hello, How is everyone doing these days? I am doing well after surgery thank goodness that is over with. It wasn't so bad, but four surgeries in one year is too many. Just happy they are behind me now. I have to knock on wood because don't want any more surgeries until next year when getting reconstructive surgeries for new breast. Yeah I think I am going to go for it get new boobs. My daughter keeps asking me if they are going to grow back. Well they could actually if I go through with the surgeries. I really have missed my breast these last few weeks. I haven't worn my fake boobs for a little while due to the hysterectomy. Maybe I'll wear them tomorrow just to make me feel better about myself. I notice a difference when I don't wear them. My confidence isn't that great and I feel just not like myself when I don't have them on. Well I actually have been in menopause since February the chemo put me through that real fast, but now with the hysterectomy I feel even more well just blah some days. I feel like I have an empty pit in my stomach. Maybe I am grieving the loss of my uterus and ovaries. It could be I have had them all my life. I feel like I am in a little bit of a slump. Well I am not going to college now I decided to let that go until I am fully healed and also to let Mark finish his college. I think one of us going is enough for now. I have to say I am very proud of Mark for working full-time and going to school full-time not sure how he is doing it. He is sacrificing a lot with his family right now. He misses out on a lot of stuff he does come up for air once in a while and that is when we get to talk to him. He is a trooper though just working so hard and doing an excellent job both at school and at work. They love him at his job. He feels proud to be working for the State and I am so so proud of my man. Keep up the good work honey bun. You know I don't think he reads my blogs, but that is okay he has other things to do for now. I do have to say that I am looking forward to Thanksgiving I am very thankful to be alive and well so looking forward to making the Turkey and all the fixings. I just wish I had someone to come visit me, hint hint friends, mom. hmmm don't think they read my blog either..LOL I am batting a 100 right now aren't I? The only one bummer part of this Thanksgiving is mark only gets the Thursday off and has to work Friday...boo. Well at least he gets the weekend off so we can put up our tree. Yep it's a tradition to do that on Thanksgiving weekend. I love it so much I think the kids really get a kick out of it too. They get to see all their neat ornaments over the years we have gotten them. They are so fun to see again every year. Yeah you can say I am ready for the holidays. I have a lot to be so thankful this year. Did you know on October 17, 2013 will be a year knowing I had cancer? Yep it's just about a whole year and I went through some crazy bad ass stuff. It's amazing I still have my wits about me and not depressed. I am so grateful for that too. Because I know depression all too well it's not fun being mentally ill. Yeah I will say it I have an illness of the mind called major depression and I am so very grateful that during the whole process of the cancer I didn't let it effect my brain. The chemo had a field day with that, but I didn't let it rob me of anger. Wow it blows me away that I didn't become depressed it's serious folks some how I held my head high and came out a winner. Thank you God. I am still fighting like a girl and I am going to beat this. Now to beat the weight issue I tell you that is one battle that is a hard road to go down. I know I can do it because I have lost weight, but I tell you I am having struggles with it. I know I can do it but just staying committed that is key. You know wish I had some money I would hire a personal trainer and my own personal chef that would be a dream come true. Well I think I'll go dream about my weight loss success story and write more later~ net

Looking Forward

Hello, Wow I am up and writing in my blog tonight feels good to be up not feeling so tired. Let me say that anesthesia really makes one sleep a lot and have strange dreams. It does for me anyway. Well my surgery wasn't a great success for the doctor the robot broke down in the middle of surgery and then they had to redo everything like turn me around and not do robotics on me. All I know is that it was a rough surgery the doctor said. I am thinking in my mind "Yeah but am I okay?" I just better be doing well that is my wish. It's too bad the doctor had a bad day, but thank God I didn't. I am glad I am feeling okay it was a doozy though from the shoulder pain and belly pain, but I am up and around doing okay. I was up that morning at 1 am walking around the halls and again at 4 am. The nurses were proud of me and I of myself. I sure did feel tired though real sleepy this time not like last time I was feeling really good after surgery this time not so much. I am just so glad I am home now and hanging with the family. It was funny the other day my daughter says to me "mommy why you being so lazy?" I said honey I am not lazy I just had surgery I am sore. I guess even though you have surgery you are still suppose to do things for yourself. Darn I thought that meant people waiting on me. Well it doesn't work in this house we must do it ourselves. Well today I got ready for class and was thinking man could use another down time and just chill out, but I took my shower and went to class tonight. It was tough, but I was going to be there no matter what. I get there and the teacher looked at me and said "You are here?" I said yes of course. Well she later informed me that I have been cancelled from the school due to missing 2 classes in a row. The only thing is they knew about my surgery way in advance so I thought I would have a good excuse to miss classes. The bummer part is she didn't even call to tell me I was cancelled today. I could have had the time to relax tonight, but instead took my butt out of bed to make it to class. So I am a little bent about the whole thing. She plans to call me tomorrow the Dean of the school just going to let them know that I gave advance notice and I don't think I should be cancelled. Who knows maybe it's not time for me to go to school maybe I need to concentrate on saving money and traveling that sounds like a better idea anyway. I really want to take Mark to Ireland that would be a dream come true for him. Of course my trip to Hawaii with Rosa next September Mark doesn't know it yet, but I just have to go to Hawaii with my two best friends Rosa and Liz. It just has to happen. I also want to take the kids on a Disney cruise that is a must for sure. What a blast we all would have. I have to think of these things to keep me going and have goals for myself it's a must for me. You know on October 17, 2013 it will be a year since knowing I had cancer. I am cancer free as I write this so I want to keep staying cancer free, but need some goals to move forward. You know I even told Mark tonight maybe after feeling better in the next month of course I should just go back to work. I have ten years health field experience behind me I can find a job without the schooling. He thought that the schooling would make me happy sure it would make me learn more and meet new people, but I can learn on the job and meet new people that way and get paid doing it. Yeah now that I am cancelled I might as well forget about all those school loans and concentrate on finding a job. I think that would make me happy to look for work and maybe even having an interview or two. I know where I want to work too so I think I'll start looking there first. So wish me luck I am going to look for work I do believe. I've been a stay-at-home for some time now and just feel it would be good for me to get out of the house now the kids are getting older. I would like to do something and working bringing home some money would help Mark out a whole lot. Okay so going to start looking tonight online. I'll keep you all posted on my findings. More later~

Surgery

Hello, Yep it's 1 am and I am up writing on my blog should be in bed have a lot of things to do tomorrow one of them is getting a much deserve massage. I want to get it done before surgery it seems to help I've been told. I also have a few phone calls to make in the morning then get ready for school tomorrow. It's going to be a long day if I don't get back to sleep. I am not sure why I woke up, but just wanted to write my mother an email and get on my blog. Yeah I am a little nervous about my up coming surgery on Wednesday. I just want it to be over with so I can get on with my life put the cancer behind me and move on. I think that is the better way to do it just move on and not look back on the cancer. I have notice I've been talking about it with my classmates so that is fine, but don't want to talk about it too much let's move on and get life back sounds good to me. My heart is heavy though found out two friends have cancer and it hurts to hear this news. I will pray for their well being and I do feel for them in what they are going to go through, but I lift up good thoughts for them and wish them a speedy recovery. You can beat this!!! I love you very much!! Well my weight has gone out the window I just can't keep it together with all that is going on with me, surgery, school and home life just going, going, going and what do I do find comfort in foods. I know deep down I have to lose this weight, but once something stressful comes along I am at it again feed me! I have to get back in the mind set. I so much want to finish what I start like the weight loss journey and my schooling I just have to reach those goals. I CAN DO IT!!! I have goals in mind that I want to achieve like being slimmer for my 30th class reunion, my Hawaii trip and just be healthy. I know I can do it not sure if I am self sabotaging it's highly possible though. I lose some weight and then say no I can't be thin and I eat and gain the weight back. What is wrong with me? I need to change my way of thinking saying Yes I can lose weight and be that thin gal. It's okay for me to be healthy and happy. I CAN DO IT!! Well I have to start the prep on Tuesday morning going to be my cleanse day and that is a good start to lose weight I suppose. Get to drink all clear liquids pretty much fast all day. It's going to be interesting at school hope no accidents happen. YIKES! I think that is worse than having the surgery making sure you are cleansed out. It has to happen it's better for one in the long run any way. It's going to be a piece of cake no worries! I CAN DO IT!!! LOL Well my kids are doing well with school proud of them. They like their teachers and they have a lot of friends too. I of all people know how important friends are. Love all my friends so very much!! I sent off about twelve cards to most of my friends over the weekend. I love to write. I do have the surgery on my mind big time can't seem to stop thinking about it. I know I'll be okay, but still it's major surgery who wouldn't be nervous? I do like the way the hospital takes care of me and I like how they do their surgeries. They take you in the room get weighed, change in a gown, take vitals, start an IV, talk to the doctors and then hubby comes in...love that part. Then the pastor comes in and prays for me and the doctors. Then they give the happy juice and I am off to the surgery room. I am usually out by the time I am on the other table so that is a good thing. Then I am awake in recovery coughing and wiggling my toes and I am done with surgery. Still nerve racking though, but I'll be taken care of I pray for all the medical stay taking care of me. Can't wait to be done with the surgery. Oh I didn't say anything about what is going on with my schooling. I have a quiz tomorrow and homework is due as well, pretty much all done, but still have to make a collage of my future goals and dreams. We have to share with the class. I am not even close to being down, but going to do a fast collage because I have to have mine down a day early since of surgery. It will be fine just work on it all day Tuesday. It will come out great. Well that is all for tonight more later~ net

Mean People Suck!

Hello, Well it's been a good week started college and it's going good so far. The only problem is my son is worrying about mommy at night. You see I go to school in the evening and Connor says he can't sleep peaceful without me close by. He is so used to me being here at night he is my little worry wart. Bless his heart. He was glad that I didn't have school tonight because he says now he can rest better and fall asleep so much easier. Gosh I love my kids so much!! So anyway school is going well, but next week I am going to miss two days for the surgery yeah the time has finally come to have it done. I just can't wait for it to be over with so I can get back to my life again. I am happy to say I am glad I am going back to school to keep me busy and have something to do while the kids are at school makes me feel good about myself gives me more confidence. You know some of my new fellow students were talking about our subject in class and we came across a question about self-esteem. Well I went and told them what someone told me just recently and it really made my self-esteem low it really hurt my feelings and this person I don't think knows how mean she is especially when I just recently had surgery on my breast (double mastectomy). The person said "well you don't have any boobs now, but you look pregnant." I didn't say anything back to this person due to being in shock by those words. She kicked me when I was down and it still hurts. I have been told by many people this person is just a very mean individual and doesn't seem to care about other's feelings. The reason I am saying this now is because it came up in my class and it's about self-esteem. I feel I am getting my self-esteem back now that I have my prosthesis they feel really good and they even look really good as well. I am so glad I have them now. As for this person that said that to me well she is just living her life with not a care in the world. I am sure she has forgotten all about it, but words hurt especially when it hasn't been the first time this has occurred. She needs to stop pointing her finger at everyone else because three fingers are pointing back at her. What I learned in school is we need to change our minds and see things differently this person needs to think before she speaks change your mind and stop being so mean and hurtful to others. I feel you like to hurt others because you want to make yourself feel better or you are just a miserable person deep down inside. All I know is I am going to change my mind and see things differently and hope this person finds love in her soul. I am happy I am me even what I've been through in my life. I am just so grateful I am not a mean person. I don't think I could live with myself if I were. How do all those mean people live with themselves? They don't think that they are mean that is the problem. Oh and it's not because I am too sensitive well maybe so, but it's better than being mean because you know what mean people suck. There is one thing that I wish I did and that is to stand up to this person and give her mean comments back, but I don't want to stoop to her level so I keep my mouth shut and keep the peace. What I tell myself is that God knows the truth that is what keeps me going. So all that aside I am happy to say things are going pretty well in my little corner of the world I am feeling better and losing weight. Yeah I haven't forgot about the weight journey still at it, but lately been nervous about the surgery and school I've been eating a little more than I should some comfort foods have gotten past me...LOL how did that happen? Well I'll get back on track soon. I still have a goal to be down to a size 18 by Christmas that will be so wonderful I can do it change my mind for the better. More later~ net

Going Back to College!

Hello! I took a shower this evening and thought what a bummer I have no breast any more I didn't feel like crying, but thought about how it's nice that they don't get in the way any more. I can have breast if I want to or not want to. In a way I kind of have it made breast or no breast. The weight isn't on there any more feels kind of nice sometimes. Yeah I am thinking of the silver lining I suppose. It's a little strange with no breast kind of miss them I suppose too, but I do love to put them on if I want to it does feel nice when I do. I love my prosthesis so much they are truly a blessing to have them. Thank goodness for health insurance to have them paid for too. Well my weight is in a slumps. I haven't weighed myself for over 2 weeks and I am wanting to really bad. I just haven't been doing very well in my walking and my eating and I have my 30th High School reunion that is coming up in a year would love to look slim and trim for that special occasion it will be fun to see everyone again fat, thin, bald, hair, short, tall and just darn good looking. LOL Yes I like the class reunions it's great to see the people you hung out with four years. I like being part of the committee too it's fun getting this thing off the ground. Now if we can get people to get their addresses in to us that would be great. Yeah it will be a fun time celebrating 30 years. Hard to believe that I am this old now. Wow 50 is coming up way too fast. Can't believe I am going to be 50 years old. Hmmm not sure if I want to talk about 50. Let's talk about something else like I am going back to school on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it too. Get my head into something now that my kids are growing up it's time for mommy to be doing something for herself again. School sounds like a good place to start and then go back to work once I am finished. I think Mark really likes that idea the most me going back to work. He has been carrying the load for almost 6 years now. That is a long time not to be working really, but I had to make that choice to stay home with my kids. I am glad I did it too and had the opportunity to stay home thank you Mark for that. You know how hard of a decision it was for me to work or not to work with kids. I remember times I would leave Connor at daycare and cry all the way to work. It was hard on me. Then when Brenna was born it just became stressful to work because I was more for working to pay for daycare and when the kids got sick I stayed home and Mark didn't my work was just as important as his was. It was very stressful time then. So now that behind us I am going back to school and proud of myself! Yay Me! LOL I feel I am going to be doing something I am proud of doing. I am going to be an administrator medical assistant front office work. I really enjoy working in the front office I thoroughly enjoyed my job as a receptionist at the GI lab I worked for in California that was a very good job and I was proud to work there. That reminds me need to get them a card soon. I love to write snail mail still. That is another subject though. Anyway yeah it was fun to work at the GI lab good people and good work too. Wow it's going to be weird going back to work again after so long being off work. I won't be able to take my naps anytime I want. Love napping during the day sometimes it's nice. I do like the social aspect of working though miss being around the people and contributing to society. You know Mark says I am a lot different when I have a job. He says that I am more confident and my attitude is much better. Yeah I am going to like to work a whole lot more. First things first have to graduate. It will take about 10 months and I'll be good to go out there and get a job. I am hoping to stay some where close to our home in Idaho, but if hey if it takes us out of Idaho maybe like California I'll be okay with that too. I really miss my friends and my mom and brother very much. Mark said once he gets his degree that he'll see what opportunities take us. Sure he has a good job now, but you never know with his degree he could get a better job and he said that could take us out of the State. So we'll see how that will go later on first he has to get done with his degree, but he is doing so well he'll getter done. I am so proud of him for doing so well in school and working full-time. Way to go honey!! Keep up the good work! I will close on that note it's now 3 am so off to bed I go. More later~ net

Surgery date

Hello! Well I know when my next surgery will be September 18th. Yep another surgery geez I think I am done after that. Yeah going to put this whole cancer thing away and get on with my life. I am not going to think about it or let it run my life. Some of my nurse navigators ask me to participate in cancer functions, but I just rather not think of any of it. Now I might walk for Susan G. Komen foundation one day, but as of this moment no more c word for me. I'm done and ready to face the world with an open mind and happiness in my heart. Putting it behind me will let me do just that. One of the things I plan to do for myself is go back to school. Yeah I start very soon and looking forward to it. The whole family is going to school pretty cool really. I plan to take my administration medical assistant course. I want to work in the front office. I believe I do a good job at it and I enjoy helping patients coming in the office. I don't mind all the paper work either it keeps me very busy. I miss working for the GI lab years ago it was such a good job miss the people and the work as well. So once I am done with my certificate I plan to go back to work. It will be great to go back to work now that my kids are older. It will be something for me to do for myself. I am doing a lot for myself these days. I am trying to lose weight so far I am down 23 lbs. I have a ways to go, but I am going to do it this time for my health and my sanity. I just want to look HOT damn it!! It would be so nice to fit in my size 18 jeans I have in my closet. Oh no that isn't where I am stopping at, I am going to try to get to a size 12 now I would be HOT in a size 12. I wouldn't even mind being a 14. I am working on it and doing very well with my eating. I am in that mind set and it's working great. I have though decided to put away the scale it wasn't doing me any favors. I actually would weigh myself every day and I would be disappointed. The scale is going away for a month now. I am going to have my husband hide it from me. My mom told me to do that a long time ago, but did I listen? no. I am now though. I will weigh-in again on September 28th early morning to see how I did. So mark your calendars sure hope I do well. I have measured myself also and I know that I have already lost an inch around my neck, waist and hips. YAHOO!! I know wasn't suppose to measure was I? I am eager to lose the weight but not wanting to wait for it to come off so slow. It's going to take me about a year to get this weight off. SIGH~~ Okay I'll wait for it to come off slowly that is all I can do at this time. I've made some great changes in my diet. I am not sure if I mentioned this before if I have sorry for the repeat. I stopped drinking soda, no more creamer so no more coffee, I drink green tea, drink skim milk, eat oatmeal every day, have stevia instead of sugar, park as far from the store as possible and I am doing a lot of walking. FEELS GREAT making these changes. I am eating a lot healthier and I am counting all my calories on Myfitnesspal.com it's a great site reminds me a little of Facebook though. I haven't wrote much on FB lately I will put this up on FB though like to post my blog online. I hope I encourage someone today or put a smile on their face. Well it's almost 1 am here in Idaho. So more later~ net

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Hello, Well down a few pounds like 22 pounds. But gain 3 lbs. back a little bent out of shape on that though. I just have to get back with it and keep walking and eating healthy. I am loving this new site it's called My fitness pal.com. It is really helping a lot. I put all my food in my diary and track all my exercise daily. I have decided to quit weight watchers and just stick with my pal. It will save me money in the long run and my pal is free. LOVE FREE!!! You get really good support on there as well. I love to see all the success stories myself because it keeps me motivated. I might have slip up today, but that is okay I'll get back to it tomorrow. Yeah I ate some chocolate and had a coke. I am not proud of myself, but I did it and I am admitting to it. Tomorrow will be a better day. I tracked it in my food diary today. I went over my calorie goal. Just have to do more walking tomorrow. I plan to get up and take my morning walk with my dog. I love having my time together just her and I. The kids are sleeping and I get to have me time. LOVE IT!! Well let's us see what else is happening. I am feeling much better after my surgery doesn't hurt any more and I got my prosthesis very nice silver lining perky breast again. LOVE IT!!I feel like a new woman with those I tell you feels so good to have boobs again. Well I've decided to put the cancer behind me and get on with life. Some of my nurse navigators are calling me up and asking me to go to a cancer function or class and I am not interested I want to get on with my life and not think of the cancer. I had a art class the other day for cancer and didn't go, maybe I should have might have learned something about art, but just wasn't into it. I didn't want to paint about the cancer just want it to be done. Move on and live life to the fullest. So the best thing for me to do for myself is go back to school. I start classes very soon and I am looking forward to it. Yep this mama is going back to school and soon I'll graduate and then I'll get back into the work force. I miss working outside the home. I haven't work outside the home since 2007. Yeah my kids are growing up and time for me to get back into life and live a little. I loved staying home with my children it was the best thing that I could have done for them and me so blessed to be able to say that I got to do that. Now though is time for me to get back in life and see other people and bring home some bacon. Yeah that will help Mark out bringing in an income too. We do want to buy another house one day soon. To do that I need to be working. First thing first have to finish school. I am going to get my administration medical assistant front office. I am looking forward to it too that is my experience lies is in the front office. I like to do that type of work the most. I get to help the patient and still do all the front office work. I really enjoyed my job at the GI lab in my former city. It was a lot of fun too got to meet some great people and just be able to socialize love that the most. I am excited to get to be in school to meet new students, make new friends and learn something too. Not too keen on all the studying and not seeing my babies off to bed at night, but in the long run it will be worth it. That is what I keep telling myself with Mark's studies. It's every weekend he has to study it's rough on us all really. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the long run. He may even get a raise once he graduates. Mark informed me a few days ago that he wants to go for his Master's degree. I had no idea he was planning that, but I am happy for him, but again all the studying is driving us crazy. Especially him he works full-time and goes to school full-time damn he is one tough cookie. I couldn't do it at least I don't think so I tried to do it when at college, but became depressed too exhausted. I am very proud of him though very proud. I can't wait for his graduation day it will be very emotional for me. He is sacrificing his time for his degree right now and that cuts a little bit. I just keep thinking this too shall pass and it will be so wonderful when he receives his diploma. I will be very proud of myself when I get mine as well. I am going to be getting a certificate though, but that is okay I just don't have it in me to do a bachelor's degree right now. I think one at a time in the family is enough to get a bachelor's degree once Mark is finished I may think about it then. So we'll see. Until then going to feel it, live it and love it it's all about school right now all of us are going to school. We are going to be a very busy family. I think I can like that a lot better than being bored. There will be no time for being bored now. Well as for my health I am feeling good. I did go to the dermatologist a couple of weeks ago and they found a mole that needs to be removed. He said doesn't look like skin cancer, but we need to make sure it's okay. Gosh I hope it comes back benign "Ain't nobody got time for that." LOL No more cancer okay Lord please dear God. Well Mark had a good point if I did have cancer the chemo probably ate it up so I should be okay. It just bothers me a little bit. I want to put cancer behind me and move on with life so lets do that okay dear God. I do have to have a hysterectomy next month then after that I am good to go live a cancer free life. Amen! Can't wait until that is over with. My mother-in-law is in California so she won't be here to help me. She had surgery today on her back so she is out of commission right now. So all I'll have is my honey bun to help me. I might be able to get a friend to help me out. Also get the meal train help as well. They give meals to family members who are going through rough times. It's a great service love not having to worry about dinners. Well if I am going to go on my walk in the morning I better get to bed. Thanks for reading my blog and for all the support a girl could ask for. more later~