Well happy 12/12/12 today! I had some good news on this day with my chemo doctor. He said I wouldn't have chemo until after the New Year! I was thrilled. I did cry in his office before he came in just my husband was with me and I started to cry. I just don't want chemo because I hear so many bad things about it. I am just scared of it that is all. I don't want to be so sick where I can't keep up with my children. I want to have fun with them and not feel sick. You know the worse is most thought of then the positive stuff so it seems. It is with chemo for me. I will try and stop being so negative about it so I can help others out there. I do still plan to keep up with my blog while going through treatment. I know I'll be tired a lot with chemo, but I'll find time to write since I love to write so much. Besides it is a coping skill for me. It helps me help others and it helps me too. Well besides getting the good news not having chemo until after the New Year because the doctor wants me to heal well after surgery. I also got some nice gifts today. I got a beautiful blanket that was handmade from a lady in Boise Idaho. I also received a hat and scarf something fun and playful. I was thinking of giving the scarf to my daughter it's very pretty pink one. She would love it. Oh yeah and my daughter and I went to the Look Good, Feel Good make-up class. It was so great we had a wonderful time together. Bren even saw some ladies with no hair. I think it was good for her so she will see mommy like that soon. It was a fun time and so glad she came with me. Mother and daughter bonding. She put make-up on me and I on her and she helped with taking all the make-up out of the bag. It was a nice gift with all that make-up so grateful for all of it. I guess next up is getting a wig. But maybe I can wait until January now. I was going to get my hair cut this Saturday, but I think I'll go ahead a wait. Well anyway that is what is happening now with chemo and the fun stuff with my daughter. My next appointment is tomorrow with my surgeon because I was going to have my stitches out, but now it's oozing water out of my incision. So we'll see what he'll do with it tomorrow. Then I have an appointment on Friday to see my OB/Gyn to talk about having surgery for my ovaries next. We'll see what he says about it on Friday. If he wants to do it before chemo then I'll have to wait longer for it, if not until after chemo then well that is okay too. I will pretty much do what my doctor suggests. I figure they have been around a while longer than I and they also know what they are doing most of the time right?! They went to school longer than I have. So hopefully they know what they are doing. Okay well I hope everyone is doing well and I give you blessings and thank you for the prayers and positive thoughts. More later~

4:15 am

Well another 4 am wake up day.  I can't sleep tonight for some reason.  I didn't take my xanax could that be why?  Or could it be my weird dreams?  Probably a little of both.  I had a rough day yesterday felt bad for a fellow group member.  He had his first bout of chemo and wasn't feeling well.  I started to cry once he left the room to go lie down.  I am scared of the chemo there is no doubt about that.  I wish there was another way I could beat this cancer instead of doing it with chemo. I wish I could do the vitamin C IV.  Have you heard of that?   I heard some where there is a place where they give you vitamin C injections a bunch of it mind you and it doesn't make one that sick and it kills the cancer.  Hmmm wish I can do that instead.  I have to find the CD I saw that on and find those doctors that were talking about it.  Sure would be better than the Chemo.  Sigh~  So anyway I did some crying yesterday a little more than I usually do.  I will be doing a lot of crying I am sure to the months to come.  As my grandmother would say it cleanses the soul.  I sure wish grams was around so I could talk to her she allows was a good listener.  Another Sigh~  I do think she is with me during this time helping me get through this just wish I could hug her right now.  I suppose she is hugging me as I write this letter.  Thanks grams!!  Well I sent off an email to the news about me fighting this battle of breast cancer.  I wrote KTVB in Boise, HLN and the Today Show.  I just want to reach out and help other women going through this.  I am hoping to share my story and if I can just get one woman to get a mammogram that would be so great.  Or if I can help that lady who is going through chemo just know she isn't alone right now.  I hope some one watches my videos and reads this blog.  I am not sure how to get a wider audience.  I'll work on that.  You know I am actually a pretty funny person, but for some reason not coming across very funny.  I want to show my sense of humor in my blog, but I guess it will come once the initial shock of finding out I have cancer wears off.  Not sure it will actually.  I may always be in shock knowing I have breast cancer.  Well any hoo~ I want to talk about my sweet kids they are doing well and going to school they seem to like their new school so that is good.  They aren't too keen on P.E. Hmmm wonder why?  He he probably because their mommy doesn't get much exercise and they learned it from me.  Laziness.  I need to show them that exercise is very important and they need to do it.  I take walks with the kids a lot so they know I do like to do some sort of exercise, but I have to admit the P.E. teacher is pretty tough on the kids at school.  Even the little first graders.  They'll survive gym class I suppose just need to show some support for my little sweeties.  Yeah the kids are holding up pretty well so proud of them.  In group we talked about when the hair starts to fall out when having chemo.  I am not too sure my kids will like me getting my head shaved, but I could just get a really short hair cut.  I will take them with me when it comes time for the hair cut.   I want my kids to know just about everything that happens to mommy.  I don't want to hide anything from them.  I ask them every night before bed if they have any questions.  I am glad I ask them so they know they can always come to mommy for answers and if I don't have the answer I'll get it for them.  So for the time being the kids are doing pretty good.  Oh did I tell you that I am going to start going to a counselor one on one starting next Monday?  Yeah I think it would be good for me besides the group.  Looking forward to talk to my Christian counselor soon.  Well I have genetic testing counseling today in Boise.  I told the kids they have to ride the bus in the morning they aren't too keen on that idea either..LOL  they like for me to take them to school.  I enjoy it too because soon one day they won't like me walking them to class so doing it all I can now as long as they let me.  Just love my kids so much!!!  They'll pull through this pretty well as long as mommy is brave and strong.  I'll give them a good fight of this C word as my boy would say.  No more saying the word cancer he says.  I am with him that is a bad word.   Well on that note I think I'll close for now.  More later~

A Nice Day!

Hello, 
 I had a good day today with my family loving husband, son and daughter.  We went to the Boise Mall.  Mark bought himself a handsome new suit for his second interview coming up in California.  Yeah we might move back to be closer to family and friends especially during this time.  We'll see if Mark gets the job. I am praying I really want to be by my family and friends right now.  Even if I didn't have the cancer I still would want to be back in California miss it.  Always a California girl.   We also went to the book store and I found three books.  Jesus Calling, Heaven Changes Everything and What to Eat if You Have Cancer.  My kids also found some books as well.  It was a good day, sure I thought about he cancer and the up coming months, but today was just a nice day.   I even dyed my hair so hopefully I can look a little better on my video diaries.   I watch them back and think geez I could have put some lipstick on.  I'll get better at them and make myself look good for them.  I have to set an good example for the all the ladies out there in the world going through cancer.  While at the book store I was sitting next to a lady and Mark kept bringing me books about cancer this and cancer that.  I told the lady that I was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and she went on about some cream for wrinkles not sure her point, but I didn't like her face expression when I told her my husband thinks they will take it out and I'll be done with it.  She cringed like that wasn't going to happen.  Whoa! negative energy from her.  She thinks I should just cut them off because we don't really need them anyway.  Wow that seems so radical to me.  I am thinking about it right now what to do, but I have to talk with my doctors first.  
Well Mark wants to think about taking me to Cancer Centers of America he wants me to think every option that is out there.  You know years ago while writing in my journal I wrote that number down and thought if I ever get cancer I think I want to go there.   Well it's happening and I am going to do my research of the place.  I think when I am done writing this entry I am going to call them.  I think I might have to know what stage of cancer I am in though and that I don't know yet.  I will know when I have the surgery.  God I pray that I am not in stage 4.   I really think I found it early.  I found it on Monday evening, went to the doctors on Tuesday, had the mammogram and ultrasound on Thursday and biopsy on the next Monday.  Wednesday October 17, 2012 I found out it was cancer.  Now it's time for the surgeon and oncologist to let me know more.  
Well my daughter wants to go to the store so will close for now.  Thank you for reading and I'll have the video diary up this even.  More Later~