Looking Forward

Hello, Wow I am up and writing in my blog tonight feels good to be up not feeling so tired. Let me say that anesthesia really makes one sleep a lot and have strange dreams. It does for me anyway. Well my surgery wasn't a great success for the doctor the robot broke down in the middle of surgery and then they had to redo everything like turn me around and not do robotics on me. All I know is that it was a rough surgery the doctor said. I am thinking in my mind "Yeah but am I okay?" I just better be doing well that is my wish. It's too bad the doctor had a bad day, but thank God I didn't. I am glad I am feeling okay it was a doozy though from the shoulder pain and belly pain, but I am up and around doing okay. I was up that morning at 1 am walking around the halls and again at 4 am. The nurses were proud of me and I of myself. I sure did feel tired though real sleepy this time not like last time I was feeling really good after surgery this time not so much. I am just so glad I am home now and hanging with the family. It was funny the other day my daughter says to me "mommy why you being so lazy?" I said honey I am not lazy I just had surgery I am sore. I guess even though you have surgery you are still suppose to do things for yourself. Darn I thought that meant people waiting on me. Well it doesn't work in this house we must do it ourselves. Well today I got ready for class and was thinking man could use another down time and just chill out, but I took my shower and went to class tonight. It was tough, but I was going to be there no matter what. I get there and the teacher looked at me and said "You are here?" I said yes of course. Well she later informed me that I have been cancelled from the school due to missing 2 classes in a row. The only thing is they knew about my surgery way in advance so I thought I would have a good excuse to miss classes. The bummer part is she didn't even call to tell me I was cancelled today. I could have had the time to relax tonight, but instead took my butt out of bed to make it to class. So I am a little bent about the whole thing. She plans to call me tomorrow the Dean of the school just going to let them know that I gave advance notice and I don't think I should be cancelled. Who knows maybe it's not time for me to go to school maybe I need to concentrate on saving money and traveling that sounds like a better idea anyway. I really want to take Mark to Ireland that would be a dream come true for him. Of course my trip to Hawaii with Rosa next September Mark doesn't know it yet, but I just have to go to Hawaii with my two best friends Rosa and Liz. It just has to happen. I also want to take the kids on a Disney cruise that is a must for sure. What a blast we all would have. I have to think of these things to keep me going and have goals for myself it's a must for me. You know on October 17, 2013 it will be a year since knowing I had cancer. I am cancer free as I write this so I want to keep staying cancer free, but need some goals to move forward. You know I even told Mark tonight maybe after feeling better in the next month of course I should just go back to work. I have ten years health field experience behind me I can find a job without the schooling. He thought that the schooling would make me happy sure it would make me learn more and meet new people, but I can learn on the job and meet new people that way and get paid doing it. Yeah now that I am cancelled I might as well forget about all those school loans and concentrate on finding a job. I think that would make me happy to look for work and maybe even having an interview or two. I know where I want to work too so I think I'll start looking there first. So wish me luck I am going to look for work I do believe. I've been a stay-at-home for some time now and just feel it would be good for me to get out of the house now the kids are getting older. I would like to do something and working bringing home some money would help Mark out a whole lot. Okay so going to start looking tonight online. I'll keep you all posted on my findings. More later~

Surgery

Hello, Yep it's 1 am and I am up writing on my blog should be in bed have a lot of things to do tomorrow one of them is getting a much deserve massage. I want to get it done before surgery it seems to help I've been told. I also have a few phone calls to make in the morning then get ready for school tomorrow. It's going to be a long day if I don't get back to sleep. I am not sure why I woke up, but just wanted to write my mother an email and get on my blog. Yeah I am a little nervous about my up coming surgery on Wednesday. I just want it to be over with so I can get on with my life put the cancer behind me and move on. I think that is the better way to do it just move on and not look back on the cancer. I have notice I've been talking about it with my classmates so that is fine, but don't want to talk about it too much let's move on and get life back sounds good to me. My heart is heavy though found out two friends have cancer and it hurts to hear this news. I will pray for their well being and I do feel for them in what they are going to go through, but I lift up good thoughts for them and wish them a speedy recovery. You can beat this!!! I love you very much!! Well my weight has gone out the window I just can't keep it together with all that is going on with me, surgery, school and home life just going, going, going and what do I do find comfort in foods. I know deep down I have to lose this weight, but once something stressful comes along I am at it again feed me! I have to get back in the mind set. I so much want to finish what I start like the weight loss journey and my schooling I just have to reach those goals. I CAN DO IT!!! I have goals in mind that I want to achieve like being slimmer for my 30th class reunion, my Hawaii trip and just be healthy. I know I can do it not sure if I am self sabotaging it's highly possible though. I lose some weight and then say no I can't be thin and I eat and gain the weight back. What is wrong with me? I need to change my way of thinking saying Yes I can lose weight and be that thin gal. It's okay for me to be healthy and happy. I CAN DO IT!! Well I have to start the prep on Tuesday morning going to be my cleanse day and that is a good start to lose weight I suppose. Get to drink all clear liquids pretty much fast all day. It's going to be interesting at school hope no accidents happen. YIKES! I think that is worse than having the surgery making sure you are cleansed out. It has to happen it's better for one in the long run any way. It's going to be a piece of cake no worries! I CAN DO IT!!! LOL Well my kids are doing well with school proud of them. They like their teachers and they have a lot of friends too. I of all people know how important friends are. Love all my friends so very much!! I sent off about twelve cards to most of my friends over the weekend. I love to write. I do have the surgery on my mind big time can't seem to stop thinking about it. I know I'll be okay, but still it's major surgery who wouldn't be nervous? I do like the way the hospital takes care of me and I like how they do their surgeries. They take you in the room get weighed, change in a gown, take vitals, start an IV, talk to the doctors and then hubby comes in...love that part. Then the pastor comes in and prays for me and the doctors. Then they give the happy juice and I am off to the surgery room. I am usually out by the time I am on the other table so that is a good thing. Then I am awake in recovery coughing and wiggling my toes and I am done with surgery. Still nerve racking though, but I'll be taken care of I pray for all the medical stay taking care of me. Can't wait to be done with the surgery. Oh I didn't say anything about what is going on with my schooling. I have a quiz tomorrow and homework is due as well, pretty much all done, but still have to make a collage of my future goals and dreams. We have to share with the class. I am not even close to being down, but going to do a fast collage because I have to have mine down a day early since of surgery. It will be fine just work on it all day Tuesday. It will come out great. Well that is all for tonight more later~ net

Mean People Suck!

Hello, Well it's been a good week started college and it's going good so far. The only problem is my son is worrying about mommy at night. You see I go to school in the evening and Connor says he can't sleep peaceful without me close by. He is so used to me being here at night he is my little worry wart. Bless his heart. He was glad that I didn't have school tonight because he says now he can rest better and fall asleep so much easier. Gosh I love my kids so much!! So anyway school is going well, but next week I am going to miss two days for the surgery yeah the time has finally come to have it done. I just can't wait for it to be over with so I can get back to my life again. I am happy to say I am glad I am going back to school to keep me busy and have something to do while the kids are at school makes me feel good about myself gives me more confidence. You know some of my new fellow students were talking about our subject in class and we came across a question about self-esteem. Well I went and told them what someone told me just recently and it really made my self-esteem low it really hurt my feelings and this person I don't think knows how mean she is especially when I just recently had surgery on my breast (double mastectomy). The person said "well you don't have any boobs now, but you look pregnant." I didn't say anything back to this person due to being in shock by those words. She kicked me when I was down and it still hurts. I have been told by many people this person is just a very mean individual and doesn't seem to care about other's feelings. The reason I am saying this now is because it came up in my class and it's about self-esteem. I feel I am getting my self-esteem back now that I have my prosthesis they feel really good and they even look really good as well. I am so glad I have them now. As for this person that said that to me well she is just living her life with not a care in the world. I am sure she has forgotten all about it, but words hurt especially when it hasn't been the first time this has occurred. She needs to stop pointing her finger at everyone else because three fingers are pointing back at her. What I learned in school is we need to change our minds and see things differently this person needs to think before she speaks change your mind and stop being so mean and hurtful to others. I feel you like to hurt others because you want to make yourself feel better or you are just a miserable person deep down inside. All I know is I am going to change my mind and see things differently and hope this person finds love in her soul. I am happy I am me even what I've been through in my life. I am just so grateful I am not a mean person. I don't think I could live with myself if I were. How do all those mean people live with themselves? They don't think that they are mean that is the problem. Oh and it's not because I am too sensitive well maybe so, but it's better than being mean because you know what mean people suck. There is one thing that I wish I did and that is to stand up to this person and give her mean comments back, but I don't want to stoop to her level so I keep my mouth shut and keep the peace. What I tell myself is that God knows the truth that is what keeps me going. So all that aside I am happy to say things are going pretty well in my little corner of the world I am feeling better and losing weight. Yeah I haven't forgot about the weight journey still at it, but lately been nervous about the surgery and school I've been eating a little more than I should some comfort foods have gotten past me...LOL how did that happen? Well I'll get back on track soon. I still have a goal to be down to a size 18 by Christmas that will be so wonderful I can do it change my mind for the better. More later~ net

Going Back to College!

Hello! I took a shower this evening and thought what a bummer I have no breast any more I didn't feel like crying, but thought about how it's nice that they don't get in the way any more. I can have breast if I want to or not want to. In a way I kind of have it made breast or no breast. The weight isn't on there any more feels kind of nice sometimes. Yeah I am thinking of the silver lining I suppose. It's a little strange with no breast kind of miss them I suppose too, but I do love to put them on if I want to it does feel nice when I do. I love my prosthesis so much they are truly a blessing to have them. Thank goodness for health insurance to have them paid for too. Well my weight is in a slumps. I haven't weighed myself for over 2 weeks and I am wanting to really bad. I just haven't been doing very well in my walking and my eating and I have my 30th High School reunion that is coming up in a year would love to look slim and trim for that special occasion it will be fun to see everyone again fat, thin, bald, hair, short, tall and just darn good looking. LOL Yes I like the class reunions it's great to see the people you hung out with four years. I like being part of the committee too it's fun getting this thing off the ground. Now if we can get people to get their addresses in to us that would be great. Yeah it will be a fun time celebrating 30 years. Hard to believe that I am this old now. Wow 50 is coming up way too fast. Can't believe I am going to be 50 years old. Hmmm not sure if I want to talk about 50. Let's talk about something else like I am going back to school on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it too. Get my head into something now that my kids are growing up it's time for mommy to be doing something for herself again. School sounds like a good place to start and then go back to work once I am finished. I think Mark really likes that idea the most me going back to work. He has been carrying the load for almost 6 years now. That is a long time not to be working really, but I had to make that choice to stay home with my kids. I am glad I did it too and had the opportunity to stay home thank you Mark for that. You know how hard of a decision it was for me to work or not to work with kids. I remember times I would leave Connor at daycare and cry all the way to work. It was hard on me. Then when Brenna was born it just became stressful to work because I was more for working to pay for daycare and when the kids got sick I stayed home and Mark didn't my work was just as important as his was. It was very stressful time then. So now that behind us I am going back to school and proud of myself! Yay Me! LOL I feel I am going to be doing something I am proud of doing. I am going to be an administrator medical assistant front office work. I really enjoy working in the front office I thoroughly enjoyed my job as a receptionist at the GI lab I worked for in California that was a very good job and I was proud to work there. That reminds me need to get them a card soon. I love to write snail mail still. That is another subject though. Anyway yeah it was fun to work at the GI lab good people and good work too. Wow it's going to be weird going back to work again after so long being off work. I won't be able to take my naps anytime I want. Love napping during the day sometimes it's nice. I do like the social aspect of working though miss being around the people and contributing to society. You know Mark says I am a lot different when I have a job. He says that I am more confident and my attitude is much better. Yeah I am going to like to work a whole lot more. First things first have to graduate. It will take about 10 months and I'll be good to go out there and get a job. I am hoping to stay some where close to our home in Idaho, but if hey if it takes us out of Idaho maybe like California I'll be okay with that too. I really miss my friends and my mom and brother very much. Mark said once he gets his degree that he'll see what opportunities take us. Sure he has a good job now, but you never know with his degree he could get a better job and he said that could take us out of the State. So we'll see how that will go later on first he has to get done with his degree, but he is doing so well he'll getter done. I am so proud of him for doing so well in school and working full-time. Way to go honey!! Keep up the good work! I will close on that note it's now 3 am so off to bed I go. More later~ net

Surgery date

Hello! Well I know when my next surgery will be September 18th. Yep another surgery geez I think I am done after that. Yeah going to put this whole cancer thing away and get on with my life. I am not going to think about it or let it run my life. Some of my nurse navigators ask me to participate in cancer functions, but I just rather not think of any of it. Now I might walk for Susan G. Komen foundation one day, but as of this moment no more c word for me. I'm done and ready to face the world with an open mind and happiness in my heart. Putting it behind me will let me do just that. One of the things I plan to do for myself is go back to school. Yeah I start very soon and looking forward to it. The whole family is going to school pretty cool really. I plan to take my administration medical assistant course. I want to work in the front office. I believe I do a good job at it and I enjoy helping patients coming in the office. I don't mind all the paper work either it keeps me very busy. I miss working for the GI lab years ago it was such a good job miss the people and the work as well. So once I am done with my certificate I plan to go back to work. It will be great to go back to work now that my kids are older. It will be something for me to do for myself. I am doing a lot for myself these days. I am trying to lose weight so far I am down 23 lbs. I have a ways to go, but I am going to do it this time for my health and my sanity. I just want to look HOT damn it!! It would be so nice to fit in my size 18 jeans I have in my closet. Oh no that isn't where I am stopping at, I am going to try to get to a size 12 now I would be HOT in a size 12. I wouldn't even mind being a 14. I am working on it and doing very well with my eating. I am in that mind set and it's working great. I have though decided to put away the scale it wasn't doing me any favors. I actually would weigh myself every day and I would be disappointed. The scale is going away for a month now. I am going to have my husband hide it from me. My mom told me to do that a long time ago, but did I listen? no. I am now though. I will weigh-in again on September 28th early morning to see how I did. So mark your calendars sure hope I do well. I have measured myself also and I know that I have already lost an inch around my neck, waist and hips. YAHOO!! I know wasn't suppose to measure was I? I am eager to lose the weight but not wanting to wait for it to come off so slow. It's going to take me about a year to get this weight off. SIGH~~ Okay I'll wait for it to come off slowly that is all I can do at this time. I've made some great changes in my diet. I am not sure if I mentioned this before if I have sorry for the repeat. I stopped drinking soda, no more creamer so no more coffee, I drink green tea, drink skim milk, eat oatmeal every day, have stevia instead of sugar, park as far from the store as possible and I am doing a lot of walking. FEELS GREAT making these changes. I am eating a lot healthier and I am counting all my calories on Myfitnesspal.com it's a great site reminds me a little of Facebook though. I haven't wrote much on FB lately I will put this up on FB though like to post my blog online. I hope I encourage someone today or put a smile on their face. Well it's almost 1 am here in Idaho. So more later~ net

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Hello, Well down a few pounds like 22 pounds. But gain 3 lbs. back a little bent out of shape on that though. I just have to get back with it and keep walking and eating healthy. I am loving this new site it's called My fitness pal.com. It is really helping a lot. I put all my food in my diary and track all my exercise daily. I have decided to quit weight watchers and just stick with my pal. It will save me money in the long run and my pal is free. LOVE FREE!!! You get really good support on there as well. I love to see all the success stories myself because it keeps me motivated. I might have slip up today, but that is okay I'll get back to it tomorrow. Yeah I ate some chocolate and had a coke. I am not proud of myself, but I did it and I am admitting to it. Tomorrow will be a better day. I tracked it in my food diary today. I went over my calorie goal. Just have to do more walking tomorrow. I plan to get up and take my morning walk with my dog. I love having my time together just her and I. The kids are sleeping and I get to have me time. LOVE IT!! Well let's us see what else is happening. I am feeling much better after my surgery doesn't hurt any more and I got my prosthesis very nice silver lining perky breast again. LOVE IT!!I feel like a new woman with those I tell you feels so good to have boobs again. Well I've decided to put the cancer behind me and get on with life. Some of my nurse navigators are calling me up and asking me to go to a cancer function or class and I am not interested I want to get on with my life and not think of the cancer. I had a art class the other day for cancer and didn't go, maybe I should have might have learned something about art, but just wasn't into it. I didn't want to paint about the cancer just want it to be done. Move on and live life to the fullest. So the best thing for me to do for myself is go back to school. I start classes very soon and I am looking forward to it. Yep this mama is going back to school and soon I'll graduate and then I'll get back into the work force. I miss working outside the home. I haven't work outside the home since 2007. Yeah my kids are growing up and time for me to get back into life and live a little. I loved staying home with my children it was the best thing that I could have done for them and me so blessed to be able to say that I got to do that. Now though is time for me to get back in life and see other people and bring home some bacon. Yeah that will help Mark out bringing in an income too. We do want to buy another house one day soon. To do that I need to be working. First thing first have to finish school. I am going to get my administration medical assistant front office. I am looking forward to it too that is my experience lies is in the front office. I like to do that type of work the most. I get to help the patient and still do all the front office work. I really enjoyed my job at the GI lab in my former city. It was a lot of fun too got to meet some great people and just be able to socialize love that the most. I am excited to get to be in school to meet new students, make new friends and learn something too. Not too keen on all the studying and not seeing my babies off to bed at night, but in the long run it will be worth it. That is what I keep telling myself with Mark's studies. It's every weekend he has to study it's rough on us all really. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the long run. He may even get a raise once he graduates. Mark informed me a few days ago that he wants to go for his Master's degree. I had no idea he was planning that, but I am happy for him, but again all the studying is driving us crazy. Especially him he works full-time and goes to school full-time damn he is one tough cookie. I couldn't do it at least I don't think so I tried to do it when at college, but became depressed too exhausted. I am very proud of him though very proud. I can't wait for his graduation day it will be very emotional for me. He is sacrificing his time for his degree right now and that cuts a little bit. I just keep thinking this too shall pass and it will be so wonderful when he receives his diploma. I will be very proud of myself when I get mine as well. I am going to be getting a certificate though, but that is okay I just don't have it in me to do a bachelor's degree right now. I think one at a time in the family is enough to get a bachelor's degree once Mark is finished I may think about it then. So we'll see. Until then going to feel it, live it and love it it's all about school right now all of us are going to school. We are going to be a very busy family. I think I can like that a lot better than being bored. There will be no time for being bored now. Well as for my health I am feeling good. I did go to the dermatologist a couple of weeks ago and they found a mole that needs to be removed. He said doesn't look like skin cancer, but we need to make sure it's okay. Gosh I hope it comes back benign "Ain't nobody got time for that." LOL No more cancer okay Lord please dear God. Well Mark had a good point if I did have cancer the chemo probably ate it up so I should be okay. It just bothers me a little bit. I want to put cancer behind me and move on with life so lets do that okay dear God. I do have to have a hysterectomy next month then after that I am good to go live a cancer free life. Amen! Can't wait until that is over with. My mother-in-law is in California so she won't be here to help me. She had surgery today on her back so she is out of commission right now. So all I'll have is my honey bun to help me. I might be able to get a friend to help me out. Also get the meal train help as well. They give meals to family members who are going through rough times. It's a great service love not having to worry about dinners. Well if I am going to go on my walk in the morning I better get to bed. Thanks for reading my blog and for all the support a girl could ask for. more later~

Losing weight!

Hello! Well things aren't as bad as the last post. My mom doesn't have diabetes it's not as bad as she thought. Mark does start his new job today at the State excited for him he'll probably love it. Make him feel important. I am still starting school in September and having my hysterectomy same month, but I am sure I can work around my school with it. I hope! Good news I am losing weight lost 2 lbs. yesterday total of weight loss 8 lbs. LOVE IT!! I had to lose 108 lbs. so 100 more to go I can do this. I am really focused on it too. I am walking every morning I walk to the school and around the track feels great to get the exercise. My dog Bailey loves it too. I am keeping a video diary of my progress so hopefully this time next year I'll have the 100 pounds behind me and I can see the process. Will be so nice to be down to a size 12. I want to get down to 170 lbs. Shoot at this point I'll be happy to be under 200 lbs. I've been over 200 lbs. for so long it's such a shame. For my 8 pound weight loss bought three blouses that were 2x instead of 3x happy about that small feat. LOL it's the little things in life that make us happy. I can't wait to wear my new blouses. I know I shouldn't buy me any new clothes, but I couldn't help it had to get a little something to celebrate my victory of a whopping 8 lbs. LOL I am proud of myself darn it. My dilemma is I am not sure I want to stay with Weight Watchers right now. I am doing well on the My Fitness Pal. com I will make that decision when my 10 weeks are up. Not sure I really want to spend $119 dollars on another 10 weeks when I am doing it with help from my fitness pal.com. Also I don't like their scales as much as mine it says I lost more weight on mine, maybe they have their scales rigged or something so you don't lose that much weight so fast. When I weighed in the last time I was 282. my scale said 280 lbs. that is a lot better than the 282 lbs. So when I go on Wednesday it might not show I lost the eight pounds..and that will be a bummer. I will get discouraged I am sure. So I think I've made up my mind and I am going to lose weight on my own. That solves that problem. So anyway things are going pretty well with my family except my brother-in-law is very ill has cancer all through his body brain and spine. I really don't think he has much time to live it's very sad. I will keep praying for him. My kids are doing well getting ready for school soon. The whole family will be in school soon. Mom and dad too. I am looking forward to my new school and learning as much as possible. It's going to be so good for me to do something for myself. The kids are getting older and now it's time for mommy to take care of herself. Losing weight whoop whoop!! Going to school and exercising too. I am feeling a lot better than I did a few months ago. It's like night and day how I was and man do I feel so much better feels awesome!! That chemo was horrible I don't want to do it again that is for sure. Let's hope I don't have that to deal with that again ever. OH yeah our renters didn't skip out on us so that is good news we still have them renting our home. So grateful for that. Mark and I were also concerned about what we were going to do with the kids when I go to school and I believe that is all taken care of we believe Mark gets to go in early to work and get off early too. That would work very well. I go into school at 5:30pm so he'll be here in time for me to go to school. So that is good news. He'll know more today though can't wait to hear what his hours will be. I haven't heard when my surgery will be yet I had that Doctor's office cancel my August 6th appointment until the 26th. I'll know then when I'll have my surgery on that day. I sure hope the school helps me get my school work done and I don't miss too much of my homework. I might call my advisor today and tell her what is going on we'll see. Thinking positive about it. Well I think I'll close for now and keep on losing that weight!!! more later~