Just thinking a lot.

Hi, well Christmas is over and now all I want to do is take my tree and decorations down. I feel like ba hum bug in away. I guess I am just done with it we had the decorations up since Thanksgiving weekend so it's time to put them away. I want to get to the next step in our lives. I've been thinking about the chemo coming up how can I not? I am trying to find ways to have a good attitude about it all and positive outlook. I got to tell you the book "When Cancer Hits" is helping finding ways to help me do just that think positive and let those emotions come up. One of them is to write about how I feel about things. I got to tell you I am pissed about having to get chemo. I had no idea that would be part of the treatment when went to the doctor for the first time. I just couldn't believe it. I just put my head down and rubbed my face thinking there is no way I want chemo. What bothers me the most is the feeling of being sick. Now the nausea and vomiting does bother me, but that isn't it it's more like all the other side effects, like shortness of breath, fever higher than 101, dark urine etc. all the really bad side effects. They scare me the most. I guess if I get any of them all I have to do is call the doctor and they will take care of me. I just don't want to have to be in the hospital for chemo treatment. I've seen it before when I worked in the hospital people were in the hospital for chemo treatments and it wasn't pretty. I felt so bad for the patients they were so sick. Well there is one drug they aren't going to give me and I am grateful for that. I am going to be getting Cyclophosphamide and Docetaxel. I am afraid to look them up to know what the side effects are it just scares me so much. Okay well I just looked at them and yeah they scare me. I just heard so many horror stories of chemo I am just beside myself. I hate that I have to go through this now that is getting closer to treatment. I sure am not feeling very positive right now about it. Sigh~ I just got to get through it for myself and family I can do it. It's going to be hell, but I've been there and back I can do it again. Speaking about the full-body radiation I had before in 1996 that wasn't fun either. Well on a lighter side I had a nice Christmas with my family we had a nice relaxing day. We all got some lovely gifts from the cancer center so sweet of them to spoil us. My mom sent a bunch of stuff from California and mother-in-law gave the kids a lot of gifts as well. It was about being togethee and that was nice. The day after Christmas mark had to go back to work and I was a little down because all I wanted to do was sleep most of the day. I wasn't into cleaning the house or anything. I did read my book, but it made me sleepy. Today though we went to Costco and I bought some dinner for us tonight, milk and cheese too. We probably can't afford it, but thought I better get something for dinner. I am glad that I went out of the house today it makes me crazy staying in the house for too long. Cabin fever isn't any fun. I don't think the kids like it either. We also went to the Cancer center this morning and got those blankets for the kids they love them a lot. It's so nice of the cancer center to treat us so well. I am looking forward to putting on some of my new make-up that I got from the "Look Good Feel Good" program. I think I'll put on some make-up before doing my next video diary. I think it's time to do things that make me feel good. Putting on make-up would do that for me. I think I'll shower this evening when my husband gets home tonight and feel fresh as a daisy..LOL I am silly I know. When we get some money coming in I am going to get a massage again. I really need one just to relax and feel calm. If that is something I could do I would get one once a week or once a month. That would be a good program for the American cancer society to have wouldn't it? Hmmm maybe I can work on that one day. Get a program going for massages for cancer patients. I might have to get my certificate so I can help others. First things first have to get myself well. Then I'll work on my degree or a medical assistant certificate and a massage certificate. Yeah that is my goal now after I get well. Oh did I say that I am going to take a leave of absence from College? I think I did say that it does feel like there is a load off my back to keep going on it. I just don't think I can do it when have chemo I will be out of it for a few days every three weeks. So it's best that I just take it easy and just get myself well. Okay well my husband is home now so I will go talk with him. I'll be brave about the chemo, but I can still be pissed about it. MOre later~