2 am post

Hi! Yeah I am up at 2 am this morning I was woke up by some dreams, but can't remember them at this minute. They were something or they wouldn't have woke me up I am sure about that. It might come to me once I start typing. Well I've been giving a lot a thought about the chemo and it's freaking me out so much. I just don't know what to expect...well that isn't all true there are all those damn side effects that I don't want. I am trying to keep strong and fight, but just don't want to feel sick. Who knows maybe it won't be so bad I am just thinking the worst like most people do think the worst and it then turns out not so bad. So we'll soon will see. I start the chemo January 9th. My mom is suppose to be here on the 10th, but she is laid up with a bad back so not sure if she can make it when I am feeling tired. So I asked my mother-in-law if she would be here for me if I need her, she said she would be. I just might need someone here for the kids. Mark will be there for me on the weekend. Do you watch Parenthood? It is a good show a gal on the show is going through breast cancer just like me. I really like watching it makes me feel I am not alone. I soon will be cutting my hair and in a episode she is going to shave her head. I am thinking for my video diary I am going to record me shaving my head as well. I haven't yet decided to shave my head all the way yet, but if it comes down to that I will and I will record it. I also want to record my first treatment too. I wonder if the nurses would let me? It's worth checking out. Well remember me telling you about my friend John? Well I had to call someone about him the other day. Yeah he was suicidal and I had to talk to someone to help him. I called the hotline and they called John. The good thing they didn't call me back so I guess John is safe. If they would have called me back then I would have had to call the emergency services to go check on John. It's hard to live so far away from my family and friends right now. Right now though all I can do is listen to John and tell him he'll be okay this too shall pass. It's hard for me to have to here him so down when I am so close myself for being down as well. Yeah I am one inch away of going into a depression. Yeah with chemo coming heck yeah, but I am not letting it get me no not now. I have to keep my spirits up and I am going to do that too. I've been reading my book "When Cancer Hits" and it has things for people to do to keep positive during treatments. Also ways to cope and take care of oneself. I plan to go to a counselor every Wednesday morning to help with some difficult issues that I might have during this time. I am not so sure that the group is right for me at this time. To tell you the truth I really want to talk about what is going on with me right now and not listen to other's problems. I hope that isn't being selfish, but right now I have to talk it out and in group you don't get a lot of time to talk things out. I want to cry if I have to, I want to scream if I have to, I want to be angry if I have to and a counselor would do that for me if need to. I just wish John would find someone to talk to and stick with it. He needs that so much right now. In a way I wish John wasn't in a depression because I could really need his support right now, but for John it's all about how he is feeling. I do listen to him and try to tell him things that worked for me when I was in a depression so I do hope what I say helps him. I just hope he doesn't do anything to harm himself. I'll keep a close watch on him. Well anyway we put up the for rent sign at our home today. Yeah we hope to get some good renters in there. It's breaking us paying for rent and a mortgage right now. We need that extra money coming in right now so we can make our house payment. Gosh I wish Mark can get a good paying job. He tries so hard and no one will hire him unless he has that bachelor's degree. Sigh~ he is working his ass off too. Working trying to go to college, house hold problems, his wife has cancer, the kids, etc. He is having a hard time these days poor guy. I worry about my husband a lot. I pray for him too. If only he can get a good paying job right now that would make him feel so much better and it would take away some burden off of his shoulders. Now I can't work right now well I guess I could, but who would hire me if I might be sick a lot with chemo? I think I'll just keep taking care of myself right now then once I am back on my feet I'll go back to school and finish what I want to do and that is be a massage therapist and a medical assistant. I think that would be awesome I can help others. That is my goal to do that too. I want to help others. So if I become a medical assistant that would be like my full-time job and massage therapy will be my helping others job. I can make my own hours with that one. So this is a good thing once I get feeling better start finding a career for me. It was going to be business administration healthcare, but I think I would be happy just to be in the medical field as a medical assistant and massage therapist. I can do both I do believe. That is something to look forward to. I am going to focus on that when times I am feeling crappy with chemo going to think about when I am able to help others with massage. Speaking of that want to set up an appointment for one soon. I wonder if I can do it after treatment or before treatment? Hmmm not sure. I'll ask my nurse naviagtor about that first. Wow I am not going to be good in the morning for my husband and kids this morning. I am up at 4 am right now writing and writing. This is good for me though no one to bother me and I am all alone with my thoughts. Of course they will be public soon. LOL This is good writing my thoughts down it really does help a lot. I guess even if people don't read this it's still good for me to be able to express myself. You know I am kind of bummed out about my mom not being able to make it when I need her. She can't help her back that is a given, but it just sucks that something always comes up when I need her. Now she isn't going to bring my brother with her on the travel which is probably a good idea. My brother isn't well has seizures and a lot of brain damage too. So anyway it's just a bummer that my mom won't be here for my first treatment. She may be here after I am done with being sick, but hey that might be a good thing right?! She can skip all the yucky stuff and I'll be up and ready to visit with her. So there is a silver lining to this trip for her. See her daughter not down in the dumps, but energy back and feeling better. Now I am going to get chemo every three weeks for four months...boo!! has to be done I know in order to get healthy. Just seems like a long time though. Maybe it will go by fast. Well another thing that is on my mind is that I feel so lazy these days to do house work. I do the dishes, but it's like it takes NASA to get a fire under my ass to do anything aroudn the house. I hate it that I feel so lazy. I even called Merry maids today to see if they have a cleaning service for cancer patients and they do. The only thing is they are full in my area. DARN IT!! yeah I rather have some one clean my house because I am hating house work to no end. Don't get me wrong when I am in the mood to clean house oh boy it's great, but lately I just don't want to do anything. It could be because I am mending from surgery, but geez come on all ready lets clean the house. I did take down a lot of the Christmas decorations so that was good, but my husband finished them today. I kind of felt bad about it because I didn't finish what I started and he hates that, but he said it didn't bother him today to finish it up. So that is a good thing. I have a good husband to help me out. Well it's getting late and I should get back to bed now. It's now 4:27 am. I was up at 2 am so I am getting sleepy again. Thank you for reading my blog! More later~

Just thinking a lot.

Hi, well Christmas is over and now all I want to do is take my tree and decorations down. I feel like ba hum bug in away. I guess I am just done with it we had the decorations up since Thanksgiving weekend so it's time to put them away. I want to get to the next step in our lives. I've been thinking about the chemo coming up how can I not? I am trying to find ways to have a good attitude about it all and positive outlook. I got to tell you the book "When Cancer Hits" is helping finding ways to help me do just that think positive and let those emotions come up. One of them is to write about how I feel about things. I got to tell you I am pissed about having to get chemo. I had no idea that would be part of the treatment when went to the doctor for the first time. I just couldn't believe it. I just put my head down and rubbed my face thinking there is no way I want chemo. What bothers me the most is the feeling of being sick. Now the nausea and vomiting does bother me, but that isn't it it's more like all the other side effects, like shortness of breath, fever higher than 101, dark urine etc. all the really bad side effects. They scare me the most. I guess if I get any of them all I have to do is call the doctor and they will take care of me. I just don't want to have to be in the hospital for chemo treatment. I've seen it before when I worked in the hospital people were in the hospital for chemo treatments and it wasn't pretty. I felt so bad for the patients they were so sick. Well there is one drug they aren't going to give me and I am grateful for that. I am going to be getting Cyclophosphamide and Docetaxel. I am afraid to look them up to know what the side effects are it just scares me so much. Okay well I just looked at them and yeah they scare me. I just heard so many horror stories of chemo I am just beside myself. I hate that I have to go through this now that is getting closer to treatment. I sure am not feeling very positive right now about it. Sigh~ I just got to get through it for myself and family I can do it. It's going to be hell, but I've been there and back I can do it again. Speaking about the full-body radiation I had before in 1996 that wasn't fun either. Well on a lighter side I had a nice Christmas with my family we had a nice relaxing day. We all got some lovely gifts from the cancer center so sweet of them to spoil us. My mom sent a bunch of stuff from California and mother-in-law gave the kids a lot of gifts as well. It was about being togethee and that was nice. The day after Christmas mark had to go back to work and I was a little down because all I wanted to do was sleep most of the day. I wasn't into cleaning the house or anything. I did read my book, but it made me sleepy. Today though we went to Costco and I bought some dinner for us tonight, milk and cheese too. We probably can't afford it, but thought I better get something for dinner. I am glad that I went out of the house today it makes me crazy staying in the house for too long. Cabin fever isn't any fun. I don't think the kids like it either. We also went to the Cancer center this morning and got those blankets for the kids they love them a lot. It's so nice of the cancer center to treat us so well. I am looking forward to putting on some of my new make-up that I got from the "Look Good Feel Good" program. I think I'll put on some make-up before doing my next video diary. I think it's time to do things that make me feel good. Putting on make-up would do that for me. I think I'll shower this evening when my husband gets home tonight and feel fresh as a daisy..LOL I am silly I know. When we get some money coming in I am going to get a massage again. I really need one just to relax and feel calm. If that is something I could do I would get one once a week or once a month. That would be a good program for the American cancer society to have wouldn't it? Hmmm maybe I can work on that one day. Get a program going for massages for cancer patients. I might have to get my certificate so I can help others. First things first have to get myself well. Then I'll work on my degree or a medical assistant certificate and a massage certificate. Yeah that is my goal now after I get well. Oh did I say that I am going to take a leave of absence from College? I think I did say that it does feel like there is a load off my back to keep going on it. I just don't think I can do it when have chemo I will be out of it for a few days every three weeks. So it's best that I just take it easy and just get myself well. Okay well my husband is home now so I will go talk with him. I'll be brave about the chemo, but I can still be pissed about it. MOre later~

Merry Christmas Eve

Hello, well today I didn't sleep all day long. Yeah it's something for me. I must be getting my energy back. It feels good to be awake most of the day. It's 1:10 pm and I haven't slept all day. Wow I am totally stoked out. I even got up today and went to walmart it wasn't that bad for being Christmas Eve either. We got a few things and then I said what is for dinner to my kids. Then I thought about having breakfast for dinner tonight. Sounds good huh?! The kids like the idea. It helps my mother-in-law too she doesn't eat meat so we'll have things she can eat then. She told me she likes the idea as well. Shoot now that I am up and about not sure what to do with myself. I guess one thing is for sure I can keep this house kept clean for tomorrow. We also need to get our Christmas cookies to our neighbors too. Yeah I can't believe it but yesterday I was so tired didn't feel like making cookies at all, but forced myself to do it. I am glad I did it too the kids loved making cookies. Well they like eating the dough and cracking the eggs. It took a lot out of me to do that. Today is a better day!! Wow what to do with all my energy?! I am keeping the house cleaned making sure the kids pick up after themselves. Well my husband had to work today for Christmas Eve bummer huh?! Well he'll be home soon and then we can enjoy our holiday together. I haven't thought about the cancer today much so that is a good thing. Probably because I feel half way decent. I called my mom today she told me a funny story. She had a little bit of fudge and it turned out it was made with some pot. She was high all night. It's funny yeah her roommate's friend made it and didn't tell her it was laced. LOL mom was so high she said you got to laugh at that. I think it made her pain go away to some extent. She is having bad back pain that is going down to her knee. She is calling around for a chiropractor today hope someone is open for her. She is in a lot of pain right now. Well I've been thinking about my friend John who is in a huge depression. I should call him and see how he is doing. I hope he is doing better. I feel for him since I've been there with depression it's the pits!! I am so glad I am not going through one right now I would be in a world a hurt if that is the case. Having cancer and a depression too that wouldn't be a good thing. That is why I must keep my spirits up as much as I can. I am going to get through the chemo I just have to. I have kids to raise, places to go and people to see!! I will do it and it will be okay. My mom is coming out my first treatment on the 12th of January and my friend Rosa is coming out my second treatment. It will be nice to have the help that is for sure. It will be a little tough for my mom to have my brother here too and me. You see my brother has seizures and he is a lot to handle, but if we get him some games and a computer he should be okay to go. I just hope my mom will help me. One time she came to help me and she slept most of the time. She pretty much came to sleep I guess. I am going to need the help this time so hope she is up to it. The kids want her to take them to school too. She said she would love to do that for them. It probably will be better that my brother is here when she is here too that way she won't worry about him so much when she is here. Well so it's a good day today. I can't wait until Santa comes tonight it's going to be a great Christmas for the kids and my family we have each other and that is what matters. Well my little girl wants to go lay on the bed with me. So more later~ Merry Christmas Eve!!!

coping skills

Hi, Yeah well I am up late tonight my boy and I had a sleep over. That is what he likes to call it when we stay up late together. He finally fell asleep. I am just getting done with putting my video diary on Facebook. Yeah it was a sad one tonight, but like Mark says need to get the ones of me not feeling all that great up too. People want to see all sides of this journey not just the stuff that is happening like doctor's appointments and stuff like that people want to see the real me. I do plan to video tape myself during chemo too so those might not be very appealing either to watch, but I have to get my story out there just maybe I can help other woman going through the same thing. I know I'll have my own experience of chemo just like they'll have theirs everyone is different. My husband said let's not think of chemo right now, but it's hard for me not to think about it. It's in the back of my mind. Sure I am thinking about the Holidays and all the fun stuff that goes with it, but oh boy that chemo is in the back of my mind no doubt about that. How can it not be there with group talking about how everything taste like cardboard and how people get the chemo brain it makes me scared once again. I think I have decided not to go to the group for a while. I will though go to one on one counseling at the time. I have two lovely ladies that will help me with that and I will take them up on their time for me. I really need to talk to someone about all this and they will be there for me. Oh one of the ladies said there are two fleece blankets for the kids to have. Yeah I told them how much we all love the handmade blanket that was given to us from the American cancer society well they decided to get the kids blankets too. Isn't that so sweet. I tell you people are being so kind to my family during this time. It warms my heart. One thing though I wish I had is a maid to help with the house work. I did the best I could today, but it was a real chore to do the house work today. I felt so lazy and could barely move to vacuum. It was really tough to clean the house today. I told my husband how lazy I am. He just laughed and said well dear you just had surgery give yourself a break. True True, but I can't believe how hard it is for me. Geez. well I can only do what I can do. And that is take more naps!! I like that idea a lot better than cleaning house any day. I did just that today also I dropped the kids off at school and came home and got into bed and slept until my mom woke me up with a phone call. I am glad she called I was about to get up any way so that was nice she called me. I am calling her a lot these days. Just to keep her up to date on everything and to be close to her. I think she likes it too. We used to write on Facebook together, but now I just pick up the phone and call. It's better that way really. People should do it more often these days. I also get phone calls from my girlfriends a lot too. Rosa, Liz, Nellie and Barbara text me and call me so that is nice. It's great to have friends that care so much for me. I LOVE THEM SO!! Thank you my friends. I am feeling better now that I am writing things down it helps to do journaling. It's a good coping skill. I have a dog too that is helping me through some hard times. Her name is Bailey and she is a border collie very good dog so loving and a good dog. She listens very well. I love her so much. I didn't do much with her today I did take her with me to town today and she liked it. She loves to come with me to town with me to pick up the kids, to the store any where she'll come with me. I love her company. So she is a good coping skill as well. I have three cats as well so they help too they are funny to watch play. Well I wonder if I should get to bed now it's getting later and later and I need my rest. Thanks for reading my blog and I hope you have a great day!! More later~

The blues

Hi, Oh wow do I feel the blues today. I had to make myself go to my daughter's Christmas party this afternoon. It was really hard to go to it. I did though and then my daughter has a meltdown it wasn't pretty at all. I just thought to myself okay this too shall pass. It took a while for it to pass, but she finally calmed down. You see she wanted to ride the bus with her friend. I told her she could, but then she didn't run to the bus it was a mess. She got so worked up about it that she said it was my fault she almost passed out. I told her to calm down it wasn't fun at all. It really upset me and to top it off I am not feeling that great. Sigh~ well I am now in my pjs and just relaxing. I had to get on my blog to write this down. I called my counselor Lesa about how I am feeling about my support group. They are wonderful people, but I think it's bringing up anxiety issues with me. You see a lot of them have had chemo and I haven't so they were saying yesterday how everything taste like cardboard. They read an obituary about a group member. I didn't know him, but it made me sad. My counselor said today it's expected of me to be going through grief right now with the cancer. She told me to get my beautiful bag of coping skills and pick and choose them when need them. One of them is journaling and blogging. I hope it's a good coping skill. I am thinking of video blogging about how I feel today. Mark said people want to see how I am in between what is going on with me. I really need to show people all sides of my journey. Well I feel better talking about the party today and the group. It might be good for me for now to just do one on one counseling at this time. Well I think I am going to close for now and take a shower. Okay more later~

Port placement

Hi! Well my port is put in not happy about it, but has to be done for when I have Chemotherapy on January 9, 2013. Yeah going to have chemo before having the ovaries taken out. That is the plan thus this far. I am doing pretty well not as tired as I was when I had the lumpectomy. Of course I haven't had much pain meds either. I want to keep my wits about me right now. I just don't want to feel tired and loopy. Those pain pills sure do make one feel high. Well I am happy to know I am having the chemo after Christmas so that is good news, but it's going to happen so that is the bad news. I know, one day at a time right now. I think I am just thinking the worst of chemo and it may not even be that bad. I have to keep thinking positive so I can get through it. Well today for the video diary I said man my life has changed. So many appointments so many more people I have met. I have met some great people too. All the doctors, nurses, social workers, group members and counselors it's been unreal how wonderful they have been to my family and I. I really appreciate it so much how kind everyone is to us. I have to admit that there are times that I do think about my life and if I am going to survive. I guess that goes with the territory. Cancer scare isn't a good thing no matter how you look at it. I am going to do my best to fight like a girl with all my heart and soul. Right now I have a friend who is having a hard time with depression I know I've been there and I am thankful for at the time I am not in a depression. I do feel bad for my friend though. I think man I am now fighting for my life and my friend is thinking of taking his. It makes me sad to hear him like this right now. All I can do is to be there for him, but it's possible that he could bring me down with him at this critical time in my life. I have to be careful right now I am at a vulnerable state at this time of my life. I don't want to be sad and depressed right now I need to be upbeat for myself and my family. I want to live life to the fullest that is all I have right now to live life as best I can. I plan to do just that too have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year!! I am praying for my friend to get well soon. He deserves to be happy just wish he wasn't going through it right now when I am actually needing him at this time. I need all the support I can get right now and if I can get it from friends that means a lot to me. I will take it where ever I can get it at this time. I am grateful to all those that are supporting me through this challenging time. Thank you!! I do hope to give back what has be giving to me. I'll do that once I get healthy. Oh I decided to take a break from college. Yeah I was going to school, but after talking to my husband I think it's best I take a break. I know I want to go into the medical field so I plan to do that once I am doing well and ready to get back into College. It will be nice not having to worry about College right now just concentrate on being healthy. That is going to be a full-time job as it is. Need to watch what I eat while in therapy. I am doing research right now about what to eat and how to take care of myself. I am reading the book "When Cancer Hits" It's a book about what to do for oneself when going through treatment. I am glad I found it, it's been a big help for me so far. Wow I do feel good about no College it's like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it with chemo because who knows how I am going to feel with that. Okay well I believe it's time for me to hit the bed now. I'll write more later~ Net

Well happy 12/12/12 today! I had some good news on this day with my chemo doctor. He said I wouldn't have chemo until after the New Year! I was thrilled. I did cry in his office before he came in just my husband was with me and I started to cry. I just don't want chemo because I hear so many bad things about it. I am just scared of it that is all. I don't want to be so sick where I can't keep up with my children. I want to have fun with them and not feel sick. You know the worse is most thought of then the positive stuff so it seems. It is with chemo for me. I will try and stop being so negative about it so I can help others out there. I do still plan to keep up with my blog while going through treatment. I know I'll be tired a lot with chemo, but I'll find time to write since I love to write so much. Besides it is a coping skill for me. It helps me help others and it helps me too. Well besides getting the good news not having chemo until after the New Year because the doctor wants me to heal well after surgery. I also got some nice gifts today. I got a beautiful blanket that was handmade from a lady in Boise Idaho. I also received a hat and scarf something fun and playful. I was thinking of giving the scarf to my daughter it's very pretty pink one. She would love it. Oh yeah and my daughter and I went to the Look Good, Feel Good make-up class. It was so great we had a wonderful time together. Bren even saw some ladies with no hair. I think it was good for her so she will see mommy like that soon. It was a fun time and so glad she came with me. Mother and daughter bonding. She put make-up on me and I on her and she helped with taking all the make-up out of the bag. It was a nice gift with all that make-up so grateful for all of it. I guess next up is getting a wig. But maybe I can wait until January now. I was going to get my hair cut this Saturday, but I think I'll go ahead a wait. Well anyway that is what is happening now with chemo and the fun stuff with my daughter. My next appointment is tomorrow with my surgeon because I was going to have my stitches out, but now it's oozing water out of my incision. So we'll see what he'll do with it tomorrow. Then I have an appointment on Friday to see my OB/Gyn to talk about having surgery for my ovaries next. We'll see what he says about it on Friday. If he wants to do it before chemo then I'll have to wait longer for it, if not until after chemo then well that is okay too. I will pretty much do what my doctor suggests. I figure they have been around a while longer than I and they also know what they are doing most of the time right?! They went to school longer than I have. So hopefully they know what they are doing. Okay well I hope everyone is doing well and I give you blessings and thank you for the prayers and positive thoughts. More later~

3 am

Hi! Yeah I woke up early this morning for some reason. Another dream that was weird a lot of chatter going on in my dream couldn't make it out either. It was weird even when I opened my eyes the chatter was still there then I moved and it was gone. My dreams tell me something all the time just wish I could figure them out half the time. Well I wanted to write tonight about just feeling really scared about the chemo coming up soon. I am afraid of it because I know it even kills good cells. I am afraid I'll be allergic to it, I am afraid that I'll get so ill I'll be in the hospital and I am just plain afraid. Yeah I am afraid of what is in store for my life now. It's getting better and fighting this cancer I know that. But it makes me wonder if I'll fight it now that I have a gentic gene that is positive. I am so bummed out about that I can't even tell you in words how much so. I was thinking how truly this sucks last night in the shower. My life has totally changed and it's not for the good either. I know I can find things that are good in there some where..hmmm what just came to me maybe a better relationship with God. That would be a positive thing that comes out of this. Taking better care of myself would also be better and another one is meeting so many wonderful people through all this. So far I've talked to so many pepople that are supporting me it's unreal. It feels good too. I don't really know them all, but learning about them every day. It sure helps keep my spirits high. I do miss my family and friends in California. I talk to my friends Liz and Rosa just about everyday which is a good thing. They are always checking on me all the time. Just a good morning from them makes me smile. Thank you Rosa and Liz for making me your special friend. I love you both very much!! Thank you to all the wonderful people that read my Blog and give me prayers and positive thoughts. It's everyone that is keeping me going right now. I am feeling better as I write this blog telling my deep dark feelings about what is going to happen to me and I am scared. So many people have high hopes for me that I am going to beat this and I am going to fight like crazy too. I keep saying to myself trust in God. I'm reading a book called "Praying Through Cancer" and one lady that went through chemo just kept saying to herself trust God. That just stuck for me to say that trust God!! So that is what I am going to do when I am afraid, scared, feel alone and just down in the dumps going to Trust God! Thanks for reading my blog and for your support. I believe it's time to Trust God and go back to bed now. More later~

Post Surgery

Hi! Well to tell you the truth haven't much felt like writing. I have been so tired and feeling like I got hit by a truck. It's been a tough week just sleeping a lot and still doing things with my kids. They don't keep mama down for very long that is for sure. The first day I wanted to drive went to the grocery store and boy did that take a lot out of me. I just came home and went down on the couch. It really did a number to me. So my days have been laying on the couch mostly because of being so tired and also having a lot of medicine in my system. I have pretty much stopped taking the pain pills just cut them in half now. So that is a good thing. I did get up to drive the kids to school and they loved it. I saw Connor's teacher and she was so happy to see me up and a bout. What a nice lady she is very concerned about me. It's nice to have that support right now. Well any way I kept doing things and feeling tired. Then my daughter became ill. The flu bug so took her to the doctors and they did a strep test on her and that was a chore. Brenna had to be held down to get it done. That hurt my right side a lot. It came back negative. She just had the flu. Then Connor needed a hair cut and we took off to Wal-mart for that. He was being stubborn and hurt my right side for that again. Well it turned out well in the end his hair looks good I can see his face. As soon as that day was winding down I just laid on the couch again. I spent a lot of time on the couch. It was so bad that I didn't even do my Facebook. It was as if I didn't care about it. Gasp! Yeah when you don't feel good you tend not to care too much about anything. Well the less important stuff. Yesterday was a little better day I wanted to go on a walk. So picked myself up for a short walk around the block and it felt good. I even did my dishes it did perk up my energy level. That night I even made dinner. The kids had pancakes and eggs and mark had a salad and I had pasta and vegies. Yeah I guess you can call me a short order cook last night. Just glad everyone ate that is the good thing. Today I am feeling a little better going to get ready to vacuum the floor and clean the house a bit. Want to get ready for Christmas. Oh I saw my surgeon on Thursday of last week and every thing looked good on my incisions. He said he is going to do a port in my chest so when I have chemo it will be there for the nurses to put the chemo in me. I have to admit I cried the other day because I just don't want to have chemo it scares me to have that and I don't want to be ill. I am reasurred that they have better nausea medicine now so I shouldn't become sick that way. I will be tired though. My hair will fall out and a few other side effects will happen. I just had a bad day thinking about having the chemo and I just cried and cried. My nurse navigator thought it would be good to talk to her friend that went through chemo for ovarian cancer. Well she was wrong because it was horrible to hear about her experience. I didn't want to hear about all her illness and crap. It really bothered me and I told her I had to go didn't want to hear about her experience because I am going to have my own not hers. I don't plan to talk to that woman again in the near future either because I just wasn't in a good frame of mind to deal with that then. Gosh I wish I didn't have to hear what she went through it didn't do me any favors. Just made my nerves more uneasy. So glad that day was over with. Well I began to think about when they are going to do my chemo so I called my nurse and she said before Christmas. I was bummed out. I told her I want it done after Christmas. Someone told me that it would be done after Christmas. I want to go with that. I just don't want to be doing that before Christmas at all. I will be not with it for our celebration. Also it's a hard time for my mom to come out for Christmas time. Well it might not be that hard for her if she takes the Greyhound bus. We'll see if she can make it I know she wants to be here for when I have my first treatment. Sigh~ Well that is what is going on in a nut shell. My next treatment is chemo then radiation. So not looking forward to either of them. Well I think I'll close for now and do my video diary. More Later~~

Surgery

Well I survived the surgery. It's the day after of surgery so I am doing pretty good just a little pain mostly under the arm where the lymph node was taken out. That is right I believe they just took one lymph node out. That is good news! The day went by fast too. Mark was with me during most of the time. I got to the hospital at 7:15 a.m. and was in the nucular medicine at 7:30 a.m. The Sentinel node radiation dye was a little painful, but I got through it okay it lasted only until about 8:30 am then it was off to the surgery waiting room. I didn't wait very long to go back to the surgery then they got my IV in except they had to poke me twice. I have a bruise now in the arm they missed the vain in. Mark wasn't with me then, but soon came in after the IV was in. Mark came in after that was done. Well I had some visitors a chaplain Alex came to pray for me and my doctors came in to see me. A few nurses came in to ask questions it was all routine pretty much. Then I went down to the surgery room about 11: 35 am I was put on the operating table and the next thing I know I was out and then woke up around 2:35 p.m. well at least I think it was about 2 p.m. something. I tried to look at the clock, but it looked a little like two clocks and blurry to me. Yeah I was out of it. The good thing is I didn't vomit after surgery YAHOO!! I was feeling pretty good actually. I was a little tender and probably the hardest thing about the whole thing was my recovery nurse kept telling me to deep breath and I had to cough hard and that hurt to cough my armpit hurt pretty bad then. I had to cough though and breath to get my oxygen level at a good rate. Then soon after that I went to outpatient recovery then my husband came in to see me. I was so happy to see him too. I wanted to know what the doctor said. The doctor talked to me for a little bit and all I remember I said to him that there was two of him and he was cute as ever. LOL I am such a flirt. I just don't know what he said to me excpet something about my pee was going to be blue then green. They had to put in the dye to see what lymp node received it first because that is the lymp node with the cancer would go to. Mark said it was good news that it didn't look like cancer was in the lymph node. But they won't know until the final lab work. I am hoping there is good news. I did hear bad news because my gentic testing and I tested positive for a mutant gene so I am a carrier of the breast cancer gene so that isn't good news. In a way I kind of new just because I get rare things like a rare skin disease and now the rare gene. Now why can't I win the lottery that is rare right?! Sigh~ so now they are worried about my ovaries I have I high chance of getting ovarian cancer now. So now I have to have them take them out sometime down the road. So that means another surgery down the road. Not too happy about that, but knowledge is power so now that I know I have the gene I can do preventive medicine and get my ovaries taken out. I see an OBGYN in about two weeks to talk to him about my options on when and what to do about them. I do wonder if I have to have radiation on the ovaries though. The reason why that comes to mind is because my radiation doctor referred me to the OBGYN doctor so I have some concerns. I called my nurse navagator the one who told me about all that and left a message to ask if I have to have radiation where my ovaries are. Hmmmm makes one wonder at least to me it does. I am really going through some tough stuff right now, but through all the prayers and positive thoughts it helps a lot. Sure I have some thoughts that get to me, but I just turn to trust in God and I'll be okay. So anyway that is what happen yesterday at surgery I'm feeling better love my pain medicine!! It's making me sleepy now so I will close and write more later~

Thanksgiving

Hi everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I had a very nice day with my family and mother-in-law Betty. Mark takes care of the Turkey and I made the mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. Mark made some fried potatoes for the kids did they eat them NO. Kids you got to love them. We had such a good dinner. Bren set the table for us. She loves doing that. It's good for her to do that it's a tradition now. What I wanted to do for the kids this year was to make creative things for Thanksgiving. So we went to the Michael's for some crafts the night before. Yeah I thought it would be so busy, but it wasn't. So Connor bought a weather station kit and brenna bought some more paint and a Christmas ornament. She also wanted to make some jewelery so we bought her a kit. She made a bracelet for her friend Molly and her. They are so cute too. I did some coloring with the Mandala. It helped to relax me. I proud of my son he even did one and finished it. Mark did one as well. I want to frame them, but got to thinking I haven't seen any round frames. Hey I have something going here. Mark can make some for me. He is in wood working so he can make them for me. Well I've been telling Mark some of the things I want for Christmas, he tells me to write them down. Now to remember what I want. I want the usually things like pjs, journals, stationary. I told him I wanted something new this year, but can't remember what it is. hmmm I'll think of it. I do want a new sweater and a wallet. I lost mine on the day of my biopsy that wasn't good. It was a mess trying to get all my cards again. What a pain it was calling everyone to replace everything. Well it's done now so all is better. Well as for me dealing with the cancer I've had some bad days and some anxiety at night. I had some bad dreams of surgery just get worried at times. I guess it goes with the territory. It's normal to be a little worried. I don't like waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and having bad dreams. I woke Mark up the other night to tell him my bad dream. He was supportive and told me to just relax. I hadn't had my xanax for a few days so I got it now and feel much better. I took it last night and slept so good. I didn't have any bad dreams thank goodness. I'll take it when I get some anxiety from now on. So grateful to have my medicine it does help so much. Well my mom and my friend Rosa are coming to see me after surgery. They'll be here on the 3rd of December so grateful for the help. I'm going to need it with the kids. They still need to go to school and not sure if I'll be up to taking them in the car they might have to ride the bus in the morning and in the afternoon. We'll see. It will be so nice to see my mom and friend so glad they are coming. I think we'll have a small Christmas together when they are here. The kids will love it. I have a great gift for my mom and Rosa so would love to give it to them when they are here. It would be a special time together that is for sure. I hope they like the idea. I am sure they will it would be fun. I made an appointment for my massage for Tuesday the day before surgery. I can't wait for that day. I love massages so much one of my most favorite things. I plan to have another massage after surgery as well. My massage therapist says it really does wonders for healing. Well it's time to go and relax now. I wish you all well and thank you for the prayers and postitive thoughts. More later~

My Daughter Brenna

Hello, I had to share this story about what my daughter did for me. As I laid on the bed to rest my daughter was doing her every day wiggles so I asked her to draw a picture. She asked me what I wanted a picture of. I told her to make anything she wanted. So she said to me "how about a picture of you bald mommy." I said that is fine honey, so she came back to the bed with a beautiful picture of me with no hair. Then she took it back and then I had a hat on my head, then I had feathers on my head, it had to be three feathers. I think it was great that she was drawing her feelings. I thought she must be thinking about me going bald. It must sit in her mind in order to want to draw me with no hair. I decided tonight that there is someone I can take to my "Feel Good Look Good class" and I am going to take my daughter Brenna. I think she would love that mommy gets all this new make-up and she can see other woman there with no hair and they are beautiful. I am looking forward to the class it really makes a woman feel beautiful during their treatments. I got to go to one class when I had the treatment of radiation for the rare skin disease back in 1996. It's such a nice gift to receive all the make-up and have someone apply it to your face. People are so sweet to give to that cause. Well my feelings of being broken have subsided, but my left heel is huring so that is another thing that bothers me. I am not sure if it's the extra weight on me that makes my heels hurt or if it's something else. I should go to a foot doctor to get it checked out. Just another thing to think I am broken. Okay I'll stop already. On a good note looking forward to Thanksgiving going to have the fixings and the turkey bird too. I got the turkey from the American Cancer society with five pounds of potatoes. I was real appreciatative of the turkey it does help when times are tough. Oh today at my doctor's appointment for the stress test. I told the gal there that I had breast cancer and she said she doesn't get checked very often and then she tells me her mom had breast cancer...that shocked me she doesn't get checked for it. My mom has never had it and I did get checked. I have to share this you know I might have known I was going to get breast cancer because I had a dream back when I was pregnant with my daughter. Yeah I dreamed it was in the right breast and it was all over the breast too. A few days later I asked my doctor a great guy Dr. Phelan that I had a bad dream of breast cancer and needed to have a mammogram, he said I couldn't get one because I was pregnant at the time. Now that I have breast cancer that dream haunts me. My dreams have told me a lot about my health. I even dreamt about radiation as well. I guess my dreams get me prepared for what is coming next. I am not sure if I am prepared for this, but maybe it will help once going through treatments..we'll soon see. Well it's time to put the kids to bed so I better close for now. Here is wishing you a wonderful evening and I'll write more later~ net

Stress Test

Hello, The stress test is behind me now. Yeah got a call to have it done today. Glad to have it behind me and it went well too. I didn't get up to at least 75% though for a good test, but at least didn't have any discomfort just shortness of breath though. Oh and my blood pressure was a little too high when excercising. So I have to make an appointment with my family doctor to get that under control. While driving home today felt broken. What I mean is that my body is broken plus my mind. Yeah I also suffer from major depression. Last night I was writing my term paper on mental illness in the emergency services. Yes I am going to college to obtain my bachelor's degree hopefully by the time I am 48 years old. That is my goal. Well now I have a little detour with the breast cancer. I am going to give it my best try to finish. So anyway I was working on my term paper and I was discussing about when I am depressed as well, it probably doesn't make me feel any better now that I brought up some old feelings of the depression. I also am tired because I stayed up late last night and got up early this morning. I'll sleep good tonight. Today I also had an appointment for my sleep doctor, but missed it due to the stress test. I was hoping to see how my bi pap is working for me now that I swtiched to the nasal mask. Did I tell you I also have sleep apnea? Man I tell you no wonder I feel broken because of all my medical issues. Yeah just had some of the blues today. I don't feel I am getting depressed, but better keep on track so I don't. I see my psychiatrist next month so that will work out pretty well. I don't see my support group this week because of Thanksgiving, but that is okay it's going to be a nice Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to it and Christmas too. We might not have a lot this year, but at least we have each other that is all it matters. You know I did think about screaming in the car today and hitting the steering wheel a few times. I kept it cool and just kept driving. I wonder if I am becoming angry to some to some degree? It's possible, but I might get more angry with the Chemo we'll soon see. I want to start going to one on one counseling on a regular basis just need someone to do that with yet. I did like that chaplain at the cancer center, but not sure if she has the time to see me every week. I am sure she will make time for me if I wanted to see her. I guess I'll just ask or look into seeing someone at the place I am going to have chemo done at. In time I'll get it all figured out I suppose. I still need to get the surgery which I am nervous about that as well. I sure hope that goes smoothly. They haven't set a date yet, but it's soon. Maybe the 29th or 30th of November. As I write this I might get a phone call to let me know. Well I called my mom a couple of times already today. Told her what I was feeling like with being broken she understood, but reasured me I wasn't. I even called my husband and told him my feelings and he also reasured me I wasn't broken either. I got to stop saying that broken word huh? I think I want to take a shower and feel better. I think I will close now and take a hot shower or a bath maybe and do some reading. Well I hope I didn't bring you down at all just sharing my feelings with you. Thanks for your support and prayers. net~

November 17th

Hi everyone!  Well today is a month knowing I have breast cancer.  Yeah I still yet to have the surgery want the cancer out of me ASAP.  Now have to have the stress test before surgery.  I haven't heard anything about one yet.  Maybe on Monday I'll have one that would be great get it over with.  Well I watched 50/50 last night it wasn't too bad it had some humor in it.  It was wild I thought of my mom because she is going through a hard time because she has my brother to take care of, he has seizures and now me with the cancer.  In the movie the mom had a husband with Alsheimer's and her son with cancer.  So thinking of my mom how she is holding up with all this.  I think I should have her watch that movie.  It was funny in some parts and a good ending too.  I do think of the chemo and how it's going to affect me.  I think that scares me the most actually.  I went to bed thinking about chemo last night and I had a little anxiety with the thinking of chemo.  I just don't want to be warn out and not feeling good for my kids.  They need their mama so much.  I am glad they are older, but they still need thier mommy.  I am a hands on mom I really get in there and be with my kids.  I am a jungle gym type of mom.  I let them climb on me and we play a lot.  I sing to them, read to them and we have tons of fun together.  I love being a mom it's the best thing that has ever happen to me.  My kids are my life and I would do anything for them.  They love their mommy too.  I just want to be there for them.  I am going to push myself to some extint with the chemo, but when I must lie down I will too.  I have told my kids all about the chemo and how I maybe ill.  I also told them that my hair will come out as well.  I have the kids signed up for the workshop Climb it's just for kids and it's for kid's family members going through treatment.  I can't wait for the kids to go to the work shop.  I think it will be so good for them.  It starts in January just the time I'll be in treatment.  I don't care if it's in the evening either going to get them there even if have to drive in the night.  Yeah I don't like driving in the night, but I will for my kids.  It might be a good time for Mark and I to go on a date as well.  I would like that a lot too.  Yeah we go the first and last night and the rest of them is just for the kids.  So this is a perfect time for us to have a date.  I hope the kids get a lot out of the work shop.  They deserve to know what is happening to their mom.  I want to be up front with them and not hide this from them.  I would want to know if it was happening to my mom.  My mom had depression well a breakdown I was about 18 years old and she didn't let us know I thought she was dying or something.  I was scared she didn't tell me what was going on.  I just came out and asked her if she was dying.  Then she told me what was going on.  Parents need to let their kids know what is happening with them.  All the kids care about is if mom and dad are all right and if we are going to be there for them.  I sure hope I am their for my kids. I want to watch them grow-up so much.  I will do my best to see that happen.   Well we are getting ready for Thanksgiving I am looking forward to it actually.  I am cleaning the house like crazy.  I want to have some great holidays with my family.  Can't wait to share them with my kids and hubby.  Oh I have good news my mom and Rosa will be here on the 3rd of December to help me out and to visit.  I am so excited to have someone with me on my side of the family.  They have never been to Idaho before.  I wish them safe travels too.  Can't wait to see them.  It works out great because my surgery is pushed out now so it will work out great for them to be here.  Connor is so cute he said mom I hope Rosa can take me to school.  How sweet he likes my friends a lot.  Brenna is doing well too just a little six year old they are both doing great so glad they are my children.  Oh they have colds though no fun, but they'll get better soon.  Well my daughter would like to play on my computer now so I better close for now.  Since I wrote a novel.  I will talk with you more soon.  God Bless and more later~ 

Hello, well I had a scare last night had chest pains and went to the ER with kids in tow.  I got all checked out with all the test done everything came back normal.  No heart attack thank goodness.  It was scary never had those types of chest pains before it wasn't good.  Glad I got checked out though my B/P was high and I had a lot of anxiety too.  All this could be anxiety due to the surgery coming up.  Well it was going to be coming up on the 26th of November, but now I have to have a stress test before surgery now.  So the surgery may be pushed out some because the doctor will have to see the test results of the stress test.  Wow I am going through some major test lately.  Going to be fit as a horse well at least check me very well.  The good thing is my lungs look good.  Now to just make sure that my heart is up for surgery.  Sure hope so.  I am not too keen on the stress test a little nervous about it.  I don't like it when my heart pumps so fast.  Sigh~  I have to do it if I can get through the MRI I am sure I can get through the stress test too.   So that is the scoop going on right now.  I'll keep you all informed.  As for the breast cancer yep it's still there and going to have to wait for surgery now.  That is okay need the stress test first.   My mom and friend Rosa are coming out to see me from California so happy about that too.   They decided to visit me after the 1st instead of surgery date.  They can stay longer if they do that now.  I like that a whole lot better.   The help is very welcome and seeing them will be so wonderful can't wait!!   I have been having good days mentally went to group today and it was a good group.  Everyone is so supportive.   I have a lot of people I talk to a lot Renee a nurse navigator and my new friend Jennifer also a nurse navigator as well.   I found out we have a lot in common her and I she is a very sweet lady.  Both of them are very nice.  Thank you to them both for their support.  It's nice to have them to talk to.  I also have nice lady Mary that calls me she lives in Idaho she is a breast cancer survivor.  She wants to come see me at the hospital when I have surgery.  I also talk with Carol she works for the school and she is also a breast cancer survivor as well.  She offered to watch my children for me.  That is so sweet I told her I will take her up on that too one of these days.   Well it's time to do a video diary now.  I'll write more later~  net

Great News!!

Hello,  I had my second ultra sound today for the spot on my right breast and lymph node under my right arm.  The good news is that I didn't have to have a biopsy today.  So happy about that and so praising God right now.  My surgery looks like it's going to be on the 26th. Well my mom and friend Rosa want to come up and be with me during the surgery.  The problem is driving during Thanksgiving weekend and my mom having a hard time leaving my brother who is ill with seizures.  It might be best they come see me after the first.  Then there is the weather issue too.  Oh boy I tell you if it's not one thing it's another.  I hope it works out they come and visit though would love them here.  I'll keep you posted.  Well I have felt good today not dwelling about the cancer or tired and sleeping a lot.  I probably should be in bed right now it's about 10:30 pm.  I have to get up early for the kids.  So I think I'll keep this short tonight and head to bed.  Thank you so much for the prayers and positive thoughts really appreciate it.   More later~

2 am post

Hello!! Well I am up at 2 am this morning. I had a dream that woke me up or it might have been my arm sticking out so pulled it back in and boy did it hurt. I am one strange person. I know.
Well had a whopper of a day with chemo class not such fun that is for sure. Get to hear about all the side effects of it. The nice thing about yesterday I got a nice quilt from the clinic that was sweet. I used it too, I took a nap once we got home from dinner last night. Felt so good to sleep loved it! I've been sleeping a lot lately. That is why I am probably up so early now. I was telling my husband Mark that the reason for sleeping is either I am escaping or just resting up for when I am not feeling well. Heck I am just tired that is all there is too it. I am loving the time I have to rest it feels so good too. It's from the time when having kids your sleeping isn't the same after kids. So I am making up for lost sleep nine years of it. Well this morning I am going to be going to have an ultrasound down today and possible biopsy.  I pray they just do the ultra sound.  Because if they do the biopsy that means it doesn't look good and they want to find out more.  Well I better get back to bed need to be rested for this morning.  I'll write more later~

4:15 am

Well another 4 am wake up day.  I can't sleep tonight for some reason.  I didn't take my xanax could that be why?  Or could it be my weird dreams?  Probably a little of both.  I had a rough day yesterday felt bad for a fellow group member.  He had his first bout of chemo and wasn't feeling well.  I started to cry once he left the room to go lie down.  I am scared of the chemo there is no doubt about that.  I wish there was another way I could beat this cancer instead of doing it with chemo. I wish I could do the vitamin C IV.  Have you heard of that?   I heard some where there is a place where they give you vitamin C injections a bunch of it mind you and it doesn't make one that sick and it kills the cancer.  Hmmm wish I can do that instead.  I have to find the CD I saw that on and find those doctors that were talking about it.  Sure would be better than the Chemo.  Sigh~  So anyway I did some crying yesterday a little more than I usually do.  I will be doing a lot of crying I am sure to the months to come.  As my grandmother would say it cleanses the soul.  I sure wish grams was around so I could talk to her she allows was a good listener.  Another Sigh~  I do think she is with me during this time helping me get through this just wish I could hug her right now.  I suppose she is hugging me as I write this letter.  Thanks grams!!  Well I sent off an email to the news about me fighting this battle of breast cancer.  I wrote KTVB in Boise, HLN and the Today Show.  I just want to reach out and help other women going through this.  I am hoping to share my story and if I can just get one woman to get a mammogram that would be so great.  Or if I can help that lady who is going through chemo just know she isn't alone right now.  I hope some one watches my videos and reads this blog.  I am not sure how to get a wider audience.  I'll work on that.  You know I am actually a pretty funny person, but for some reason not coming across very funny.  I want to show my sense of humor in my blog, but I guess it will come once the initial shock of finding out I have cancer wears off.  Not sure it will actually.  I may always be in shock knowing I have breast cancer.  Well any hoo~ I want to talk about my sweet kids they are doing well and going to school they seem to like their new school so that is good.  They aren't too keen on P.E. Hmmm wonder why?  He he probably because their mommy doesn't get much exercise and they learned it from me.  Laziness.  I need to show them that exercise is very important and they need to do it.  I take walks with the kids a lot so they know I do like to do some sort of exercise, but I have to admit the P.E. teacher is pretty tough on the kids at school.  Even the little first graders.  They'll survive gym class I suppose just need to show some support for my little sweeties.  Yeah the kids are holding up pretty well so proud of them.  In group we talked about when the hair starts to fall out when having chemo.  I am not too sure my kids will like me getting my head shaved, but I could just get a really short hair cut.  I will take them with me when it comes time for the hair cut.   I want my kids to know just about everything that happens to mommy.  I don't want to hide anything from them.  I ask them every night before bed if they have any questions.  I am glad I ask them so they know they can always come to mommy for answers and if I don't have the answer I'll get it for them.  So for the time being the kids are doing pretty good.  Oh did I tell you that I am going to start going to a counselor one on one starting next Monday?  Yeah I think it would be good for me besides the group.  Looking forward to talk to my Christian counselor soon.  Well I have genetic testing counseling today in Boise.  I told the kids they have to ride the bus in the morning they aren't too keen on that idea either..LOL  they like for me to take them to school.  I enjoy it too because soon one day they won't like me walking them to class so doing it all I can now as long as they let me.  Just love my kids so much!!!  They'll pull through this pretty well as long as mommy is brave and strong.  I'll give them a good fight of this C word as my boy would say.  No more saying the word cancer he says.  I am with him that is a bad word.   Well on that note I think I'll close for now.  More later~

Happy

It's a good day when you wake up and your President wins the election.  Yes I am all for Obama.  I live in a State that is mostly republicans.  So I am the odd one out here.  I don't care because I know who I like and I just feel he will do the best he can.  That aside I still have breast cancer.  I am feeling actually pretty good, but it's going to be a long road to hoe though.   I heard I don't get chemo until after Christmas.  I am glad because I want to get things ready for Christmas and have a good time with my family I can't wait.  It's going to be a nice Christmas I do believe.  I love getting all my Christmas decorations and decorate the house.  I believe the kids love it too.  It makes the house so warm and cozy.  We have a tradition in our house to put up the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving weekend.  It's so fun we love it.  We also started years ago to get the kids Christmas ornaments for the tree every year.  I think that is such a great idea.  So when they get ready to leave the house they will have all their ornaments throughout the years.   We go to the mall in Boise and look for our ornaments during Christmas time.  Looking forward to that very much.  Well I will be having my surgery soon a little nervous about it too.  It's an all day thing too.  I have to have dye put in my body to see if any cancer has gone into my lymph nodes.  I pray it hasn't.  I want to live a long and happy life with my children and husband.  I want to see my children grow-up.   I keep praying for that the most.  Well I heard that breast cancer is the second leading causing of death in the United States.  There is something I can do about that and that is take care of myself and do what I need to do for myself.   I really don't want Chemo or radiation, but if I have to do it to let myself live longer I am going to do it.  My kids need me.  So does my husband!  Well I think I am going to close for now going to do my video diary.  I wish everyone well and happy.  This too shall pass~  more later net 

MRI

All I have to say about the MRI is glad it is over with.  It's doable to get it done, but I have to be honest it was very uncomfortable for 35 minutes.   I kept thinking of the woman all over the world having to go through the same thing.  I also thought of my kids, husband and doing it for myself.  I had to be brave.  I even thought of Robin Roberts fighting the battle of breast cancer too.   Well they will know the results either on Tuesday or Wednesday November 7th.  Then I will have a call from the doctor's office to set up the surgery.  I am nervous about the surgery too.  I can get through this I can do it.  Even though there are times I just want to run.  The thing to do is fight!!  Well my son's teacher is very supportive every time she sees me she gives me a hug.  I was working at the kid's school today and she saw me.  She asked if I feel like anything is wrong and if I feel okay.  I told her I feel fine actually, but there are some days that I don't think about the cancer and other days I do.  Those are down days though.  Today is a pretty good day not thinking too much of it.  I love those days.  Well I have to do a video diary soon.  Talk about the MRI and how I am feeling.  I am sure the surgery will be very soon maybe even next week.  I have to remember to bring my bi pap machine.  Yeah I have sleep apnea as well.  I just recently got the bi pap machine so I feel much better with it.   It's a shame I am feeling much better a new lease on life and now have the cancer.  It totally is a huge bummer.  I know have energy and I am motivated with my bi pap machine.  Hopefully it will help me with having chemo I'll make sure I use it too.  I love my bi pap...I said that already..didn't I?   Well it's true.  My kids seem to be doing well as if nothing has happen as it should be.  They are doing so good in school so proud of them.  They got great report cards this last month.  Way to go kids mommy is very proud of you both!!!   Well I think I'll close for now and write more later~  net 

4 am

Well for some reason I woke up at 4 am.  I think I had enough sleep I guess.  Or who knows it could have been the dreams I had, oh wait it was from having diarrhea.  Yeah been having that for 3 days now..hmmm wonder what is going on.  Nerves maybe?  The radiation doctor asked if I was having any of that and I said no, but not now.  Hope it hasn't got anything to do with the cancer.  I know think every ache and pain is due to it.  I guess that happens blame it on the cancer.  It could mean I am just getting up there in age as well.  Darn aging process.  It happens to the best of us right?! 
Monday I have an MRI a little nervous about it, but just want things to be good inside my body.  I believe I can handle the test okay just Hope they don't find anything else going on in there.  I hope the cancer hasn't spread.   Both surgeons believe it's in stage 1 darn it thought if that is the case wish I wouldn't have to have Chemo.  That is because of the Triple negative.  Hate that triple negative darn it.  Curse you triple negative!!   I am nervous about the surgery as well who wouldn't be?   I do want to get that going and get this C word out of me.  My son doesn't like the word at all doesn't want us to say it in the house any more.  I don't blame him.  I'll just use it in my blog and on my video diary though.  I'll try not to say it in front of my little man.  I will not tell him how bad of thoughts I've been having.  If I can't tell you who can I tell?  I've been having thoughts that I am not going to be able to fight this cancer.  I don't know what it is, but I sometimes think that I am not going to be around long.  Is that because of just hearing you have cancer?  I know I shouldn't think those thoughts, but every once in a while they come to mind.  I just think of my kids growing up and I want to see that in my life and have grand babies too.  I just got to do that for them.  My surgeon was positive though he said "oh yes you are going to beat this."  That is encouraging.  He is very positive and I need that right now.  My husband Mark is very positive too.  I like the days when I don't even think that I have the cancer.  I love those days the most.  I just go on my normal life and just not even give it a thought.  I am thinking of doing a video diary right now too.  It could help others who maybe up worried at the we hours of the morning.  Hope all is going well.  I'll write more soon!  Thanks for listening to my blog.  Well reading my blog.  More later~

Day 15

November 2, 2012 I had a good visit with my second opinion surgeon yesterday. He was very informative and positive. It just came out of my mouth and I asked him if I were going to survive this breast cancer. He said yes you sure will. He was so upbeat and so positive I really liked that and so did my husband Mark. He wants me to have an MRI on Monday then we'll schedule the surgery soon. I think it will be in the next couple of weeks or in a week. We'll soon see. I did tear up with the doctor a few times. I think about my children a lot and it makes me tear up because I want them to be okay and not worry too much about mommy. I am also bummed out because I went through full-body radiation years ago that it's a shame I have to go through this again and it's worse this time. I have to have the chemo as well, plus the radiation. It totally sucks! Yes cancer Sucks!! I have a button that says that too. Should wear it. I have to think of ways I can help others because of this happening to me. Maybe it will come to me in a dream. I have some really good dreams and they really seem to be pretty accurate at times...well should I say they help me get prepared for what is to come. I dreamt if a beam of light shined on me it would burn me. I then had the radiation back in 1996. It all flooded back to me while up having full-body radiation. When I was pregnant with my second child I had a dream that I had breast cancer and yes it was in my right breast. So my dreams possibly come true or something like that. They prepare me for what is to come I suppose. I wish I seen the lottery numbers darn it. Would like to win the big money. Maybe my dreams are telling me to take care of myself. I keep dreaming lately that I am back in high school with all my classmates. I keep saying yeah but I am really 47 and I feel like I need to be back in high school my senior year. I guess I would have done it all over differently. If only I know then what I know now type of thing. I didn't like my dream saying I had cancer in my liver though..that would suck big time!! I think my brain is trying to process all of this and my dreams are just messing with me. Dreams are weird and all. Well I think it's time for bed it's 12 midnight. I'll write more real soon. Thanks for reading my blog. Hope you are doing well and thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts.

California Trip

Hi All,
            Well we went to California and we are back in Idaho now.  It was a whirl wind of a trip let me tell you.  Shoot just Monday we were in San Francisco at the Fisherman's Wharf.  Amazing!  I had a real good time with family and friends as well.  Went to a Halloween party Saturday night sang my little heart out on Karaoke fun stuff.  I dressed up all in Pink loved my wig it looks better than my own hair actually.  Sad but true.  From all the radiation from years ago.  It was so good to see my friends Liz, Rosa, John, Lore, Ron, Kelly and Todd.  It was some good times.  Just wish we could live down there again.  I hope my husband gets the job in Sacramento Please Please!!!  I want to be back in California again so much so I can be close to my family and friends.  Sigh~  The only way to get back there is if Mark gets a job.  It's hurry up and wait that is for sure.  Mark is suppose to know today.   Well it was a good interview Mark said that is the main reason why we went to California this time for the interview.  It worked out good because I got to see family and friends this trip as well haven't seen them since I was diagnosed with the breast cancer.  So it was a good trip especially seeing my mom.  She feels really bad about me getting cancer she says it isn't fair at all.  It's not but it's not fair for anyone to get it or any type of cancer for that matter.   Cancer Sucks!!  I am going to buy a shirt that says that.   Well it's almost time to get the children from school.  They are holding up pretty well.  They did very well on the trip too considering we went a long ways in the car.  I am very proud of my kids.  We expect a lot out of them so need to be good to the kids.  My sweeties I love them soooooooo much!!!   Connor told me last night that he misses California already.  That is cute he does have a good time there.  He wants to go back to his place where he was born.  I told him that is the plan.   So all in all had a good time in California just waiting for the word about the job.  Sure hope my husband calls me soon.  Well anyway I'll write more soon!  Thanks for reading my blog.  Net~

Some Good News!!

October 23,2012

 I saw the surgeon yesterday. It was a good visit more informed about how serious this breast cancer is.  It freaks me out pretty much.   My doctor thinks it's best that I have the partial removal of the breast.  I think I agree with him too.  He was saying something about that the breast tissue would not get blood supply if I possibly had the mastectomy because my breast are so large.   Yeah I am a 46 DDD.  I am pretty big.  He also wants me to see the oncology doctors Thursday before we figure this out because since I had full-body radiation years ago he thinks I might not be able to have radiation again and if that is the case then we would do the mastectomy.   It has been about 15 years since the radiation so maybe I can have it now?!   I don't know right now.  This totally blows it ruins a lot of my plans right now.  I am still going to do them though, but this is a detour I didn't want to take.   My goal is to finish my degree in two years get my bachelor's degree in Health care Administration.   Also lose weight those are two of my biggest goals.   I have to say my husband and many people around me very positive.  My husband Mark believes we are going to get through this just fine so does my mother Jeanne.  Now all I have to do is believe it too. Which I do, but sometimes my mind goes there and I know it shouldn't do that.   The great news is the doctor believes it is in stage 1 so that is great news I caught it in time.  I am a little nervous about having surgery, but they'll take good care of me.  We didn't make the surgery schedule yet because have to talk to the oncologist first, but soon after that we'll make the appointment then.   I will have to close now going for my massage.  Yep taking care of myself.  More Later~

See Surgeon Today

Hello,   Today is the day I see the surgeon.  My husband is coming with me and he has lots of questions too.  A good friend told me to take someone with you to all your appointments.  We have so much going on and so much to process we'll forget a lot of what the doctor says.   I have been hearing a lot of the woman just take off the breast, but not sure I want to be so radical if don't have to be.  Of course it would be a lot more of this heavy feeling gone if I did that.  You see I am a 46 DDD yeah I am a big woman.  It would be nice to go down to a C cup.   I have to see what stage this cancer is at before I make any decisions.  I will do what is necessary to save my life. 
Well got the kids off to school today was a little late and disturbed the class by telling the teacher sorry for being late.  She wanted me to be quiet.  Way to go and then I embarrass my son to no end.  I feel bad about that the most.  I think he'll forgive me though.  Geez I tell you I am batting a 100 these days.  Did I tell you on the day of my biopsy I lost my wallet?  Yeah left it either on the gas pump or the car and no one turned it in.  I am hoping they mail it back to me, but of course I will have replaced most everything.  You know this month is my brother's birthday I pretty much knew I had cancer that day actually the doctor laid it on me straight I just asked what he really thought. He told me.  Well I haven't even bought my brother his birthday gift yet.  I want to get him a gift card for Walmart.  He does like lottery tickets too...maybe I'll buy those for him in California shoot we are going this weekend.  That is an idea not all hope is lost for his gift.  Yep we are going to Cali soon looking forward to it.  I plan to see all my friends and family for the first time hearing I have breast cancer.  It will be an emotional one I think.  Especially seeing my mom she is taking it hard, but is thinking very positive about all this.   We plan to go to a costume party on the Saturday night it will be a lot of fun.   I am going as the pink woman promoting cancer awareness.  I have a pink wig, gloves, My breast cancer survivor shirt, pink pants and socks, pink boa, big nail polish it's going to be a hoot of a night looking forward to it.  My mom is going all purple she will look cute.  I told her to be a rock and roll star.  It should be a good time.   I am glad I get to go to it.  Have some fun!  I am always finding ways to have fun with friends and family I think they like that I am a fun person.  I like to think that I am.  I like to have a fun personality and good attitude in life.  I try to let my kids know that attitude makes all the difference.  If you are a grump what is that going to get you nothing.  So put your head high and a smile on your face and face the world. 
Well my dear readers going to lay down for a bit before the doctor's appointment.  More later~
Check out my video diary at    HTTP://youtu.be?6sqqG5K20dk   Thanks for watching.  net~

A Nice Day!

Hello, 
 I had a good day today with my family loving husband, son and daughter.  We went to the Boise Mall.  Mark bought himself a handsome new suit for his second interview coming up in California.  Yeah we might move back to be closer to family and friends especially during this time.  We'll see if Mark gets the job. I am praying I really want to be by my family and friends right now.  Even if I didn't have the cancer I still would want to be back in California miss it.  Always a California girl.   We also went to the book store and I found three books.  Jesus Calling, Heaven Changes Everything and What to Eat if You Have Cancer.  My kids also found some books as well.  It was a good day, sure I thought about he cancer and the up coming months, but today was just a nice day.   I even dyed my hair so hopefully I can look a little better on my video diaries.   I watch them back and think geez I could have put some lipstick on.  I'll get better at them and make myself look good for them.  I have to set an good example for the all the ladies out there in the world going through cancer.  While at the book store I was sitting next to a lady and Mark kept bringing me books about cancer this and cancer that.  I told the lady that I was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and she went on about some cream for wrinkles not sure her point, but I didn't like her face expression when I told her my husband thinks they will take it out and I'll be done with it.  She cringed like that wasn't going to happen.  Whoa! negative energy from her.  She thinks I should just cut them off because we don't really need them anyway.  Wow that seems so radical to me.  I am thinking about it right now what to do, but I have to talk with my doctors first.  
Well Mark wants to think about taking me to Cancer Centers of America he wants me to think every option that is out there.  You know years ago while writing in my journal I wrote that number down and thought if I ever get cancer I think I want to go there.   Well it's happening and I am going to do my research of the place.  I think when I am done writing this entry I am going to call them.  I think I might have to know what stage of cancer I am in though and that I don't know yet.  I will know when I have the surgery.  God I pray that I am not in stage 4.   I really think I found it early.  I found it on Monday evening, went to the doctors on Tuesday, had the mammogram and ultrasound on Thursday and biopsy on the next Monday.  Wednesday October 17, 2012 I found out it was cancer.  Now it's time for the surgeon and oncologist to let me know more.  
Well my daughter wants to go to the store so will close for now.  Thank you for reading and I'll have the video diary up this even.  More Later~

















         

Better day!!

October, 21, 2012
               Hello,  I feel like my old self again. I got plenty of rest last night and feel much better today.  My family and I our going to the book store for a few books.  A friend told me about "God Calling" and "Jesus Calling" and I want to get "Heaven Changes Everything"   also going to buy some books for the kids too.  It's going to be a fun day.   I will be doing my video diary this evening and tell you how my day has gone.  Well we are getting ready to go to town so more later~ 

Con't
       My link to my video diary is
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcXWZi7achc&feature=channel&list=UL
I plan to video tape every day if I can to tell how I am feeling.  Okay I might skip a day we'll see.  Well it's 1 am and I am still up.  need to get some sleep REST!!  I think the cancer feeds off the lack of sleep.  So I better get to bed now.  More later~

Day 4 of Breast Cancer

October 20, 2012,
 
              This is day four of knowing I have breast cancer.  I was diagnosed on October 17, 2012.  I had my daughter have a play date with her friend Lacey today.  I was talking to Lacey's mom Kristal and told her I had breast cancer and she said you seem so calm, but she doesn't know I am screaming on the inside.  Yes it was a hard day today I was thinking the worst case scenario.  I know shouldn't be thinking like that, but it just came to mind.  I did do a lot of driving today so my thoughts were all over the place.  We went to the old house today got another load of stuff and brought it to the new house.  While I was in town I got to see a couple of friends they both cried when they saw me.  It brought tears to my eyes.  It was an emotional day today.  It doesn't help that I am tired.  I stayed up until 3 am last night talking to my good friend Jessica.  We were co-workers together at one of my favorite jobs in Folsom Ca.  Jessica has heard it all from depressions to disliking my husband at times. Now she is getting an ear full with me going through this Breast Cancer.  Thank you Jessica!! 
           My husband Mark and I were talking tonight and Mark believes that they will take it (lumpectomy) out and everything will be fine.  I love his positive thinking also my friend Liz thinks the same thing and among other friends and family are thinking wonderful positive thoughts.  I thank you all for your prayers and postitive energy during this time.  
           I want to tell you the day I found out about the cancer.  I got on the phone and told every family member I could reach and all my friends.  I didn't have time to cry or really let it sink in.  To tell you the truth I knew it was cancer just had a feeling.  Of course the radiologist gave it to me straight that day of the ultrasound and mammogram and he did say it can or can't be, but he was leaning more that it was.  So I knew deep down inside it was.  Even though the day I was told I kept saying benign, benign please come back benign.  Throwing that poistive energy out into the Universe. So anyway that same night when I found out I went to bed and started saying my prayers and when I started praying for my kids I couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't finish my prayer for my children.  All I thought was I want to see my kids grow-up.  I was crying pretty good too, but Mark never even woke up.  So I did have a good cry just hoping, praying that I get to see my kids grown and hopefully see some grandkids would be a sweet gift.  
          I started a video diary as well about this process of having breast cancer so hopefully I can help other woman going through the same thing.  It's on YouTube