Looking Forward

Hello, Wow I am up and writing in my blog tonight feels good to be up not feeling so tired. Let me say that anesthesia really makes one sleep a lot and have strange dreams. It does for me anyway. Well my surgery wasn't a great success for the doctor the robot broke down in the middle of surgery and then they had to redo everything like turn me around and not do robotics on me. All I know is that it was a rough surgery the doctor said. I am thinking in my mind "Yeah but am I okay?" I just better be doing well that is my wish. It's too bad the doctor had a bad day, but thank God I didn't. I am glad I am feeling okay it was a doozy though from the shoulder pain and belly pain, but I am up and around doing okay. I was up that morning at 1 am walking around the halls and again at 4 am. The nurses were proud of me and I of myself. I sure did feel tired though real sleepy this time not like last time I was feeling really good after surgery this time not so much. I am just so glad I am home now and hanging with the family. It was funny the other day my daughter says to me "mommy why you being so lazy?" I said honey I am not lazy I just had surgery I am sore. I guess even though you have surgery you are still suppose to do things for yourself. Darn I thought that meant people waiting on me. Well it doesn't work in this house we must do it ourselves. Well today I got ready for class and was thinking man could use another down time and just chill out, but I took my shower and went to class tonight. It was tough, but I was going to be there no matter what. I get there and the teacher looked at me and said "You are here?" I said yes of course. Well she later informed me that I have been cancelled from the school due to missing 2 classes in a row. The only thing is they knew about my surgery way in advance so I thought I would have a good excuse to miss classes. The bummer part is she didn't even call to tell me I was cancelled today. I could have had the time to relax tonight, but instead took my butt out of bed to make it to class. So I am a little bent about the whole thing. She plans to call me tomorrow the Dean of the school just going to let them know that I gave advance notice and I don't think I should be cancelled. Who knows maybe it's not time for me to go to school maybe I need to concentrate on saving money and traveling that sounds like a better idea anyway. I really want to take Mark to Ireland that would be a dream come true for him. Of course my trip to Hawaii with Rosa next September Mark doesn't know it yet, but I just have to go to Hawaii with my two best friends Rosa and Liz. It just has to happen. I also want to take the kids on a Disney cruise that is a must for sure. What a blast we all would have. I have to think of these things to keep me going and have goals for myself it's a must for me. You know on October 17, 2013 it will be a year since knowing I had cancer. I am cancer free as I write this so I want to keep staying cancer free, but need some goals to move forward. You know I even told Mark tonight maybe after feeling better in the next month of course I should just go back to work. I have ten years health field experience behind me I can find a job without the schooling. He thought that the schooling would make me happy sure it would make me learn more and meet new people, but I can learn on the job and meet new people that way and get paid doing it. Yeah now that I am cancelled I might as well forget about all those school loans and concentrate on finding a job. I think that would make me happy to look for work and maybe even having an interview or two. I know where I want to work too so I think I'll start looking there first. So wish me luck I am going to look for work I do believe. I've been a stay-at-home for some time now and just feel it would be good for me to get out of the house now the kids are getting older. I would like to do something and working bringing home some money would help Mark out a whole lot. Okay so going to start looking tonight online. I'll keep you all posted on my findings. More later~

Surgery

Hello, Yep it's 1 am and I am up writing on my blog should be in bed have a lot of things to do tomorrow one of them is getting a much deserve massage. I want to get it done before surgery it seems to help I've been told. I also have a few phone calls to make in the morning then get ready for school tomorrow. It's going to be a long day if I don't get back to sleep. I am not sure why I woke up, but just wanted to write my mother an email and get on my blog. Yeah I am a little nervous about my up coming surgery on Wednesday. I just want it to be over with so I can get on with my life put the cancer behind me and move on. I think that is the better way to do it just move on and not look back on the cancer. I have notice I've been talking about it with my classmates so that is fine, but don't want to talk about it too much let's move on and get life back sounds good to me. My heart is heavy though found out two friends have cancer and it hurts to hear this news. I will pray for their well being and I do feel for them in what they are going to go through, but I lift up good thoughts for them and wish them a speedy recovery. You can beat this!!! I love you very much!! Well my weight has gone out the window I just can't keep it together with all that is going on with me, surgery, school and home life just going, going, going and what do I do find comfort in foods. I know deep down I have to lose this weight, but once something stressful comes along I am at it again feed me! I have to get back in the mind set. I so much want to finish what I start like the weight loss journey and my schooling I just have to reach those goals. I CAN DO IT!!! I have goals in mind that I want to achieve like being slimmer for my 30th class reunion, my Hawaii trip and just be healthy. I know I can do it not sure if I am self sabotaging it's highly possible though. I lose some weight and then say no I can't be thin and I eat and gain the weight back. What is wrong with me? I need to change my way of thinking saying Yes I can lose weight and be that thin gal. It's okay for me to be healthy and happy. I CAN DO IT!! Well I have to start the prep on Tuesday morning going to be my cleanse day and that is a good start to lose weight I suppose. Get to drink all clear liquids pretty much fast all day. It's going to be interesting at school hope no accidents happen. YIKES! I think that is worse than having the surgery making sure you are cleansed out. It has to happen it's better for one in the long run any way. It's going to be a piece of cake no worries! I CAN DO IT!!! LOL Well my kids are doing well with school proud of them. They like their teachers and they have a lot of friends too. I of all people know how important friends are. Love all my friends so very much!! I sent off about twelve cards to most of my friends over the weekend. I love to write. I do have the surgery on my mind big time can't seem to stop thinking about it. I know I'll be okay, but still it's major surgery who wouldn't be nervous? I do like the way the hospital takes care of me and I like how they do their surgeries. They take you in the room get weighed, change in a gown, take vitals, start an IV, talk to the doctors and then hubby comes in...love that part. Then the pastor comes in and prays for me and the doctors. Then they give the happy juice and I am off to the surgery room. I am usually out by the time I am on the other table so that is a good thing. Then I am awake in recovery coughing and wiggling my toes and I am done with surgery. Still nerve racking though, but I'll be taken care of I pray for all the medical stay taking care of me. Can't wait to be done with the surgery. Oh I didn't say anything about what is going on with my schooling. I have a quiz tomorrow and homework is due as well, pretty much all done, but still have to make a collage of my future goals and dreams. We have to share with the class. I am not even close to being down, but going to do a fast collage because I have to have mine down a day early since of surgery. It will be fine just work on it all day Tuesday. It will come out great. Well that is all for tonight more later~ net

Mean People Suck!

Hello, Well it's been a good week started college and it's going good so far. The only problem is my son is worrying about mommy at night. You see I go to school in the evening and Connor says he can't sleep peaceful without me close by. He is so used to me being here at night he is my little worry wart. Bless his heart. He was glad that I didn't have school tonight because he says now he can rest better and fall asleep so much easier. Gosh I love my kids so much!! So anyway school is going well, but next week I am going to miss two days for the surgery yeah the time has finally come to have it done. I just can't wait for it to be over with so I can get back to my life again. I am happy to say I am glad I am going back to school to keep me busy and have something to do while the kids are at school makes me feel good about myself gives me more confidence. You know some of my new fellow students were talking about our subject in class and we came across a question about self-esteem. Well I went and told them what someone told me just recently and it really made my self-esteem low it really hurt my feelings and this person I don't think knows how mean she is especially when I just recently had surgery on my breast (double mastectomy). The person said "well you don't have any boobs now, but you look pregnant." I didn't say anything back to this person due to being in shock by those words. She kicked me when I was down and it still hurts. I have been told by many people this person is just a very mean individual and doesn't seem to care about other's feelings. The reason I am saying this now is because it came up in my class and it's about self-esteem. I feel I am getting my self-esteem back now that I have my prosthesis they feel really good and they even look really good as well. I am so glad I have them now. As for this person that said that to me well she is just living her life with not a care in the world. I am sure she has forgotten all about it, but words hurt especially when it hasn't been the first time this has occurred. She needs to stop pointing her finger at everyone else because three fingers are pointing back at her. What I learned in school is we need to change our minds and see things differently this person needs to think before she speaks change your mind and stop being so mean and hurtful to others. I feel you like to hurt others because you want to make yourself feel better or you are just a miserable person deep down inside. All I know is I am going to change my mind and see things differently and hope this person finds love in her soul. I am happy I am me even what I've been through in my life. I am just so grateful I am not a mean person. I don't think I could live with myself if I were. How do all those mean people live with themselves? They don't think that they are mean that is the problem. Oh and it's not because I am too sensitive well maybe so, but it's better than being mean because you know what mean people suck. There is one thing that I wish I did and that is to stand up to this person and give her mean comments back, but I don't want to stoop to her level so I keep my mouth shut and keep the peace. What I tell myself is that God knows the truth that is what keeps me going. So all that aside I am happy to say things are going pretty well in my little corner of the world I am feeling better and losing weight. Yeah I haven't forgot about the weight journey still at it, but lately been nervous about the surgery and school I've been eating a little more than I should some comfort foods have gotten past me...LOL how did that happen? Well I'll get back on track soon. I still have a goal to be down to a size 18 by Christmas that will be so wonderful I can do it change my mind for the better. More later~ net

Going Back to College!

Hello! I took a shower this evening and thought what a bummer I have no breast any more I didn't feel like crying, but thought about how it's nice that they don't get in the way any more. I can have breast if I want to or not want to. In a way I kind of have it made breast or no breast. The weight isn't on there any more feels kind of nice sometimes. Yeah I am thinking of the silver lining I suppose. It's a little strange with no breast kind of miss them I suppose too, but I do love to put them on if I want to it does feel nice when I do. I love my prosthesis so much they are truly a blessing to have them. Thank goodness for health insurance to have them paid for too. Well my weight is in a slumps. I haven't weighed myself for over 2 weeks and I am wanting to really bad. I just haven't been doing very well in my walking and my eating and I have my 30th High School reunion that is coming up in a year would love to look slim and trim for that special occasion it will be fun to see everyone again fat, thin, bald, hair, short, tall and just darn good looking. LOL Yes I like the class reunions it's great to see the people you hung out with four years. I like being part of the committee too it's fun getting this thing off the ground. Now if we can get people to get their addresses in to us that would be great. Yeah it will be a fun time celebrating 30 years. Hard to believe that I am this old now. Wow 50 is coming up way too fast. Can't believe I am going to be 50 years old. Hmmm not sure if I want to talk about 50. Let's talk about something else like I am going back to school on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it too. Get my head into something now that my kids are growing up it's time for mommy to be doing something for herself again. School sounds like a good place to start and then go back to work once I am finished. I think Mark really likes that idea the most me going back to work. He has been carrying the load for almost 6 years now. That is a long time not to be working really, but I had to make that choice to stay home with my kids. I am glad I did it too and had the opportunity to stay home thank you Mark for that. You know how hard of a decision it was for me to work or not to work with kids. I remember times I would leave Connor at daycare and cry all the way to work. It was hard on me. Then when Brenna was born it just became stressful to work because I was more for working to pay for daycare and when the kids got sick I stayed home and Mark didn't my work was just as important as his was. It was very stressful time then. So now that behind us I am going back to school and proud of myself! Yay Me! LOL I feel I am going to be doing something I am proud of doing. I am going to be an administrator medical assistant front office work. I really enjoy working in the front office I thoroughly enjoyed my job as a receptionist at the GI lab I worked for in California that was a very good job and I was proud to work there. That reminds me need to get them a card soon. I love to write snail mail still. That is another subject though. Anyway yeah it was fun to work at the GI lab good people and good work too. Wow it's going to be weird going back to work again after so long being off work. I won't be able to take my naps anytime I want. Love napping during the day sometimes it's nice. I do like the social aspect of working though miss being around the people and contributing to society. You know Mark says I am a lot different when I have a job. He says that I am more confident and my attitude is much better. Yeah I am going to like to work a whole lot more. First things first have to graduate. It will take about 10 months and I'll be good to go out there and get a job. I am hoping to stay some where close to our home in Idaho, but if hey if it takes us out of Idaho maybe like California I'll be okay with that too. I really miss my friends and my mom and brother very much. Mark said once he gets his degree that he'll see what opportunities take us. Sure he has a good job now, but you never know with his degree he could get a better job and he said that could take us out of the State. So we'll see how that will go later on first he has to get done with his degree, but he is doing so well he'll getter done. I am so proud of him for doing so well in school and working full-time. Way to go honey!! Keep up the good work! I will close on that note it's now 3 am so off to bed I go. More later~ net