Christmas!

Hi, Well I like to talk about being in the spirit of Christmas. I am really into it this year probably because I am not thinking about cancer and worrying about chemo like I was last year. All I am thinking about is having a wonderful Christmas and sharing it with my loving family. There is someone I am thinking about at this time and that is my grams she loved Christmas so much and her birthday was on December 28th. She is very missed. It's funny soon after Thanksgiving I start thinking of who I can buy for and that is when the shopping starts. Poor Mark he needs a second job just to pay for me shopping for everyone. I have to admit I do shop a lot for our children buy them little gifts want them to have a nice Christmas. It just gets me in the spirit of Christmas when I think of others. Isn't that what the holidays are all about other people and thinking about them? At least the kids I bought Connor's friend a gift plus his two sisters, mom and dad couldn't leave out the parents. I bought his other friend Willie something too. Then I bought Connor's girlfriend Amber a gift plus her two sisters and the mom. Warms my heart to do that and makes me feel the spirit of Christmas. I plan on buying my mail man I a gift as well. I think you are suppose to give money, but I want to buy him something nice. Haven't figured it out yet. It will come to me. Yeah it sure would be nice to have a house full of family and friends this year sure would have enjoyed that, but all my friends and family live in California. No I haven't made many friends here, sure there are people that I know here and like, but there is nothing like my good buddies in California that could never be replaced. I miss you and you know who you are. I would even love to share this Christmas with my mother-in-law Betty, but she isn't able to travel at this time. A huge thank you to my sister-in-law Kathleen for helping grandma and Bev. Well we had a scare there a couple of weeks ago with Connor fainting. He had some kind of bug, but also dehydrated and lack of sleep. He is fine now, but still thinks about it, it really scared him. Let's just say he drinks plenty of water and gets his rest. You know it could have been the flu shot that made him sick. That was a month ago, but maybe it made him ill it just took time to get a reaction from it. That is just a theory because all Connor's blood work came back great. I am just so glad he is okay because that scared me so much to see your son turn white and faint in your arms. I am so glad I was here and it wasn't at school. God is looking out for my little man. Praise God. So now that is behind us we still keep a close eye on Connor. Brenna was worried about Connor too her big brother and all. I feel so blessed to have my children. I am one happy mommy. Gosh I just don't want my kids to grow up I want them to stay little for a long time. One day they will be all grown up and then I'll get to have grandchildren not rushing it, but I see how happy my friends are that have grandchildren and it must be a special feeling. One day it will happen. In the meantime we'll celebrate this wonderful Christmas and count our blessings. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! Net

Feel the Burn!

Hello! Well it's 3 am and that is when I do most of my writing on my blog. I tell Mark that this is when I am the best creatively. Actually I was up because my daughter came and got me like I told her to if she starts to cough too much. She is now sleeping so I believe she'll hang in there. We plan to go to the movies tomorrow morning to see the movie Frozen. My husband wants to see it too. It looks really cute love the snowman in the film. So let's see what's on my mind lately. I have been thinking about Brendan a lot and wish him well and my prayers go out for him. Cancer Sucks!! I wish him well and he has a good recovery from surgery coming up soon. It's real hard when you have known someone you grew up with and they get cancer makes you think of your own mortality. I have been thinking a lot about dying lately every since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. The good thing is I would be with God, the bad thing is I would hate to leave my family and that bothers me. I am not sure exactly why I am thinking about dying shoot I guess everyone thinks about it from time to time, but I've been a little OCD about it. Maybe because I have the mutated gene and my chances of getting another cancer is high so yeah I am a little freaked out about it, but try not to get me down. I have to go on and live life heck I am not dead. KEEP CALM and LIVE ON~ that is my new motto. I just put it on Facebook. I want to stop thinking about dying and start living. I do have a lot of time on my hands because I don't have a job outside the home. I haven't got anything to sink my teeth into like school or work, but I do have my lovely children to care for and that is a good thing. I just have these thoughts it could be that I am reaching the good old ripe age of 50 and I just not looking forward to being 50 it blows me away. I think geez I don't remember my 30's all that well. The best thing that happen to me in my 30's is I met Mark got married and had our first baby that was the best years of my life. Then turning 40 had my baby girl so amazing. I do remember my forties much more than 30's the first half anyway. I feel like I needed to try and get this weight off along time ago. I am upset with myself for keeping the weight on. I know medication plays a roll in my weight gain, but geez I can at least try to get it off. Well I am not going into my 50's heavy doing something about it now. I did think that I might have to tweak my calorie intake to less than 1550 calories though. I am thinking more like 1300 calories instead. That could work for me to lose this weight. You see I was 276 last week the flu bug and working out, but now I gained five pounds back. It really bothers me. My trainer and I are working on weight lifting now so maybe I am gaining muscle we all know it weighs more. I know it's going to take a while for me to lose weight like at least a year, but I get so impatient with the process. I keep thinking to myself that is okay next year at this time I will be down in my weight so that is what keeps me going. I also think of what this gal said on YouTube yeah I watch success stories helps motivates me. Well she said I don't care what you do as long as you are moving the weight will come off. That is stuck in my brain. So if I keep working out and keep moving I'll will get this weight off. The last two days I've been going to the gym once in morning and again in the evening. The kids are coming with me because I want them to see me working out and just maybe it will grow on them and they will know we have to take care of our bodies start them young. I love the thought of me working out now because my chances of the cancer is less percentage of coming back and that is terrific. I will refuse to have it come back so working out strong. Last night worked out really good with cardio forty minutes on the treadmill uphill and ten minutes on the bike. It felt so good to feel the burn. I really enjoy my trainer he works me out where I can handle it and I know it's going to help me in the long run so can't wait to work with him twice a week. I've decided though not to hire him in February because I so much want to go to California in March for spring break so need to be able to afford it. A trainer is a lot of money so I am taking that money and going to California. I need this trip really bad just miss everyone so much. I feel lonely lately too without my friends and family around the Holidays so I am going on that spring trip if Mark likes it or not. Sorry Mark, but a woman has to do what a woman has to do. I don't want the kids hanging around the house watching T.V. or the IPAD we will have a much better time in California seeing my mom, brother and all my friends. Fun times! I am hoping to be down about 24 lbs. by then too that would be sweet. I am looking forward to the trip very much so. I need it now actually, but I'll wait. Patience is a virtue. It will be a blast not just for me, but for the kids they need to see everyone in California especially grandma Jeanne, uncle Jeff and Randy. I am so looking forward to it. Love having a plan to go some where. Mark won't be coming with us again he has to work, but he will be fine for a week. Now my Bailey girl she might not like me gone my sweet dog. It's better than three weeks like in the summer when we were gone that long. Mark missed us really bad and us him. Well it's 4 am now time to get back to sleep. I'll write more later. Thank you for reading my blog. Net

Regrets

Hello! This is going to be random topic today. You know I read something on Facebook that really caught my attention. It was the nurse that revealed the top five regrets people make on their death beds. It really got me thinking about it and I even wrote it in my journal. Let me go over them again so you know what I am talking about. Number 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 2. I wish I didn't work so hard. 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 5. I wish I had let myself be happier. I really enjoyed reading this article and it really has stayed with me. You see I am really good at number four and I am proud to say I have kept my friends for many years and I love them deeply. So I don't think I'll regret that on my death bed. Hopefully many many years from now. ;-) I do feel I am happier these days now that I am cancer free and after going through what I did this last year oh boy things look so different to me now. I don't sweat the small stuff any more and keep a smile on my face even when times are tough because if I can get through that damn chemo every day is a good day for me now. The one I probably need to work on the most is sharing my feelings to people that done me wrong. I am one of those people that don't say anything just to keep the peace, but it really bothers me later. Well from now on I plan to open up and if someone wrongs me I plan to speak my mind. For an example there is someone that needs to know how I feel now and I won't say any names, but she will know who she is. To this person you have hurt me in so many ways just by your hurtful words. You one time said all my boyfriends are weird, but so much I just kept quiet but my comment back to you at least I didn't marry all of mine. Also when I shared with the family that I was having another child you were so cold and didn't even say congratulations you just asked "are you sure you want to have another one." That really hurt me I thought you would have been more excited for me. I just feel that for some reason you target me and are so cruel in your comments towards me. I don't know what I have ever done to you for this type of treatment. There is one thing I didn't understand when I had one of my surgeries you told me on the phone that I didn't have to call and let you now how I was. That was just so strange to me. Also what broke the camels back is when at the fundraiser for me you were so unfair in how you handled things and the comment that kicked me when I was down really hurt me. You said and I quote you "now that you have no boobs you look pregnant." Why are you so cruel and so blunt with your words. Are you unhappy with your life? Because you make others around you miserable with your mean words and your actions. You say people shouldn't smoke when you shouldn't drink so much. You need to see those three fingers pointing back at you. I have decided to not be around people that bring me down and if you ever say a mean word to me again I will let you have it next time. I won't hold back any more because I don't deserve what you dish out. I am so happy I am me even what I have dealt with in my life. I am happy that I am a nice person and glad that I don't say things to bring people down just to make me feel good. I love my life and plan to do better and if that means keeping you at bay so be it. I don't need mean people in my life. Okay now that I said my peace I feel much better even if you don't read this at least I wrote my feelings down. Don't hate LOVE! Thanks for reading my blog for the ones that do it means so much to me the support I get from my friends. I love my friends deeply and want to have you in my life so much. Thank you for being kind to me.

Feeling Better!

Hello! It's been an interesting week well not really. I was sick with the flu and felt like I was going to die. I kept having thoughts me being in the ER and dying all sorts of bad things going through my mind. I had a temp of 102.1 man I was feeling like crap!! You know that feeling when you just can't move out of bed oh man it was horrible. So glad I am feeling better now I just have a cold and coughing a lot. Yep getting old peeing my pants with every cough. We'll see how many people read my blog now they can call me Mrs. Peabody...LOL I am not a shame to say it many people it happens to them. I'll just put it out there for everyone to know that way they aren't alone when it comes to that. Great news on Monday my weigh-in day I lost 9 pounds so excited about that. It really does help working with my trainer and having the flu helps lose weight. So it hasn't been that bad of week hey I got back in the gym today (Friday 11/22/13) So all is going well now just have to get my husband to mellow out though. Yeah that is my topic for this blog. My husband Mark. As some of you know he works full-time and goes to college probably more than full-time poor guy. He is very busy. What I have noticed is he has been either stressed out or just concern about the kids. You see he has been getting on the kids with their homework, but the only thing is his voice is raised when explaining their homework to them. It kind of concerns me him pretty much loud voice while teaching the children their homework. It's like he is so frustrated with them. He must be stressed out or something he also gets stressed behind the wheel of a car. Well we all do, but he goes to extremes he flashes his lights at people if they do a wrong move that Mark doesn't like. He really hates people not going the speed limit. I think Mark can be like a road ragger at times. I don't know it just has been bothering me lately. Also another thing that has been bothering me is Mark isn't a jungle gym kind of daddy. That means a daddy that lets the kids jump all over him and they tickle each other get on the floor type daddy and let the kids ride on his back. I take that back he has done it when they were babies, but I did notice something last night our son was trying to tickle Mark, but Mark just would say "okay son" and walk away. I think our son is wanting Mark's attention that is why he keeps trying to tickle Mark, but mark doesn't have any part of it. He might tickle Connor back once but not like what I think he should do like a million tickles. It bothers me lately. Hmmm it just dawned on me, maybe I am the one that needs to mellow out. Mark is a hard working man and does so much for his family. I guess I think I have a lot a time on my hands I am just looking at mark's faults. Believe me I have my own share of faults so what I am saying is that Mark is a great father and loving husband, but he is just a little stressed out these days I got to cut him some slack. Thank you honey for everything you do for us. We love you. To tell you the truth Mark doesn't read my blogs. Shoot I can really vent if I want to so maybe another time. Right now I want to talk about my weight loss goals. I am so excited about it. I feel like I am really going to lose weight this time. It will be some hard work because I have to deal with medication too. The meds balloon me up pretty bad so have to work extra hard getting this weight off. I really just am loving my trainer he really knows what he is doing too. He works me out just right not too soft or not to hard. I still feel the burn and that is a good thing. We are now at full weight lifting program. I miss the gym when I am not there now. I really have my mind set on this losing weight I am loving it. Have you heard of MyFitnessPal.com? It's a program where you put in all your calories you eat in a day. There is also message boards and friends list. I really like it, it seems to be helping me a lot. I can eat up to 1550 calories a day seems like a lot, but it goes fast especially when I work out on those days I like to eat more. I work up an appetite. I am going to keep it up and workout like I am suppose to most days. I might take Saturdays off we'll see. Spend it with the family mostly and besides Bren doesn't like me going to the gym without her she is funny that way she likes mommy around her a lot. Well I am excited about getting healthy and thanks for all the support in my fight for losing weight now. Like I said in my post on Facebook "I figure if I can get through chemo I can get through just about anything my next battle is weight loss. Feeling healthy. So one day you'll see me thin and healthy again. Goodnight all it's about 1 am need to get to sleep. Smiles all around!

Personal Trainer!

Hello, Well I have to admit the trainer was a great investment I can really feel the burn in my body. I ache where I didn't think I have any muscles. So that is a good thing. I really don't think my clothes are baggy on me yet Mark said "honey you just started give yourself a break." I got to tell you I do feel the burn in my body and it's a good burn too. I feel the exercises are working for me just have to eat less I think. I believe 1550 is too much for me, but my trainer says it's not. I am writing down every food item that goes into my mouth so that is a good thing too. Keeping that food journal. I just hate that it takes so long to lose weight but it will pay off in the end as long as I keep it up. Alex doesn't want me to get discouraged I told him well I probably will in the middle of working out at some point. It happens to ever one. He made me throw the medicine ball down on the ground like they do on Biggest Loser and I said I am getting my anger out. Alex asked me if I had anger? I told him sure do. I don't think I have gotten angry about the cancer yet and my childhood. Well it's all behind me now and I can move on he said. So true but it felt good to throw that ball down on the ground as hard as I could. It sure did work me out on the arms and back. Going to get rid of this back fat too. He is working my stomach a lot as well I am loving it. This working out can be so helpful to let the anger go to release it out of me. Working out can become an addiction. I think about the next time I can workout. I also love it that Alex isn't doing anything that I can't handle so far I can do most of what he has giving me to do. I like that. He is taking it nice and slow with me. The only problem is something happened last Friday Alex had another trainer help me because Alex had to leave. Well this trainer Jonathon made me do all these very extreme workouts and I hurt my neck on doing these pull ups. It was a shooting pain in my neck it hurt really bad too. I told him, but we just kept working out. So anyway that wasn't any fun getting hurt because my neck still bothers me. I have told my trainer and Jonathon and if it's still hurting they are going to get me a massage. I won't say no to that at all. I just hope I didn't do any major damage to my neck it does kind of worry me a bit. Would hate to have hurt my neck and have to get surgery or something like that. I don't need that right now. I have been icing it and taking IBU's 600 mg. I'll think positive and hopefully the pain will go away, but man it was severe sharp pain when I did that exercise I was very worried. It comes and goes now. I will have it checked out soon I feel I need to do that. Alex told me that the exercise Jonathon made me do was an advance exercise. I shouldn't have been doing that at all not with the weight that I am now. Not sure what Jonathon was thinking, but if it comes down to it he will pay for my medical expenses. He should have known better to do that to someone who hasn't worked out since I was in my twenties. Geez man, so glad Alex is my trainer he is easy going on me not so harsh. Glad it's not like the Biggest Loser, but that is a show all about the ratings so there is no need for a trainer to yell at the person that hired them. Gosh I can't wait to lose the weight I will feel so much better. My clothes will fit nice and I'll look so much better in my new body. Can't wait to see the after pictures of myself. I already know what the before pictures look like and those are no fun. You know when I put the title in the feild it just felt like it's a dream come true to have a personal trainer didn't think I would ever have one and it's so awesome to have a dream come true. Okay so it's one pound at a time for me or an inch at a time. So on that note I'll head to bed lord knows I need it getting a cold and body aches so off to bed now. More later~ I want to say a special thank you to Jude for reading my blog. Have a wonderful day everyone. Net

Family Issues

Hello, It's been a good week me hiring a personal trainer yeah it's expensive, but my health is a good investment. I am so proud of myself working out and doing things that I never thought I could actually do. It's a lot of hard work especially being this big right now but it's going to be so worth it. I am hoping I trade in eating for working out more. I get excited thinking about the next workout. I surprised myself I even worked out on Sunday. I don't usually do that on the weekends because I workout on the weekdays when the kids are in school. It is just so nice to be doing something for myself. I am totally loving it. My training days are Wednesday and Fridays. My friend Kelly told me I will have a lot of fun and she is right so far I am really enjoying it. I like to have the trainers push me, because I believe I need that extra help on losing this weight. My goal is to lose about 75 pounds by next August. Hey if it's more all the better. At this point I'll be happy to lose 5 pounds this week. If I lose 2 pounds that will be okay as well. I am reaching for the stars. I am going to do it this time lose this weight and going to feel so great. Thanks for all the supporters out there who give me strength and positive feed back. I sure can use it in a time like this. Okay so a lot has been on my mind lately. My mother-in-law broke her back again and I just feel horrible about it. I feel bad because they only way for me to help her if she came stayed with us, but we don't have the room and besides the bed I would have her sleep on is horrible for anyone's back. I wouldn't just have Betty here, but I would also have aunt Bev too. I really can't go to their home because I have the kids in school and if anything happen to them it would take me forty minutes to get to them. I feel bad not helping that much, but the only way I would help if they came here that is how I can do it. I wouldn't be able to do it for very long because Mark would go a little nuts having his mom here too long. I think he would feel bad for her and Lord knows he has his own things going on right now with college and work. Besides his mom gets on his nerves just a bit...but don't all mom's get on one's nerves from time to time especially when you live with them. Sorry mom (Jeanne) if you are reading this, but it's true. One day I'll be getting on my kid's last nerve. I guess that is what mom's do. So this has been on my mind and also what to do for them when my sister-in-law goes back to California. I don't see anyway around it but they need to go to assisted living or senior housing. A place where they can have help. I have to admit those two are very stubborn, but it's going to come down to it there is nothing else that can be done about it. I think when I get old I am going to do that go to assisted living facility so my kids won't have to take care of me. I don't want to burden my children they will be very young and I want them to live a great life and not be taking care of me. Sure they can come and visit that would be great, but I am going to do the assisted living or senior housing shoot I would even go to a nice rest home if I have to. You got to think about these things early in life not wait until you are all crippled and can't take care of yourself. Because yes one day we will be old. The facts of life. I am so grateful for my mom who told me she never wants me to take care of her she wants to be in a rest home. I do feel though if she has any trouble I would take care of her though. I couldn't take care of her last Christmas because I was having my own demons to deal with (cancer) yeah she hurt her knee really bad it was a really bad torn ligaments. I do bet if I wasn't in my own health crisis I would have been down there to help her. I don't know how many times she has told me though to put her in a rest home when she is too old to take care of herself. That is sweet mom, but we'll see how it goes you are still young and doing well so hang in there no rest home for you yet. I also wish a family member would stop pointing fingers at someone when their habit is just as bad. Yeah I have a lot on my mind and now it's time to go rest this mind of mine so more later~ net

Bucket List/ Goals!!

Hello! It was a lot of fun Halloween with the kid's fun had by all. We went to a Halloween party that my brother-in-law Ron had, the kids loved it. I got to sing Karaoke, which my daughter couldn't stand it she closed her ears when I sang. I think I embarrassed her to no end. I told Mark that she'll probably have to go to counseling when she is 20 yrs. old for the party. LOL We went trick or treating as well that was a blast even though I had to keep taking off Connor's costume head so he can see where he was going. We also went to the high school in town and Connor won a costume contest for Endermen from Mine Craft. I dressed up as the pink gal yep the cancer survivor this time. One year cancer free!! Well actually not yet it's not until the end of this month when I had my lumpectomy. I am thinking positive though so yeah cancer free no matter what. I did have a talk with Mark about some goals I want to do within five years. He said "you mean like a bucket list." I said "yeah pretty much." He didn't like it that much because he knows I am going to live a long time. Well then I said "how about some goals that I want to happen? He likes that much better. He just doesn't want me to stop at five years. Of course not I am going to live a long life just have to do some things in the meantime. I told Mark I want to take him to Ireland one day. He said that would be nice, but he wants me to go some where I would want to go. My next goal will be a Disney cruise in the Carrabin Mark loves that idea. Another fun thing I want to do is go on a Hawaii trip with my two best friends Rosa and Liz next year of course. We can celebrate being cancer free two years running. Sounds wonderful to me. Now I have to make the small goals happen like save some money. I also have a trip to my hometown for my 30th class reunion next year. I can't believe it's 30 years since High School. My goal for that is to lose some weight for it. So I have a lot of bucket list/ goals to meet. I want to do my Hawaii trip next year as well so losing the weight is a major deal. I want to be able to get on the plane and not ask for an extra seat belt. That would be a dream come true. Hey and maybe even wear a bikini swim suit that would be so awesome. I would have to get my new boobs first though so still thinking about reconstruction. That is for another entry. So it's time for my goals to drink more water, eat well and workout. I joined a gym so that is the first start. I see a trainer tomorrow that will be nice to have a personal trainer, but to tell you the truth I can't afford it right now, but what I learn tomorrow I'll use it to my advantage. I know it would be important for a personal trainer to help me, but they aren't cheap and I don't want to put us in the hole. So it will happen just not right now for a trainer. I know a lot of people that didn't have a trainer and lost weight. My cousin Linsey did it without a trainer she lost 50 lbs. She did it with WW and working out. I can do this I think I am ready because something clicked in me today. I can't explain it but I think I am ready to get this weight off. I don't want to be like this next year or 5 months from now just want to be healthy and look nice. Help myself esteem and confidence. I also want to be a good example for my children and body image is important to young kids especially girls like my daughter. I am not helping her for being overweight or helping my boy. It's time to getter done and lose this weight. I know the holidays are coming, but that is okay I can still have a merry time eating sensibly. I am going to do this if I can get through chemo therapy I can lose weight and I am going to do this. So lets see if I can lose like 10 pounds a month in 10 months that will be 100 lbs. That would be sweet. I would be happy if I even lose 6 pounds a month. Yeah the 10 pounds a month are better. I lost 2 pounds a month last week on Monday that is my weigh-in days. I wonder if I lost anything this week I sure hope so, but not weighing in until 6:30am. So on that note I think I'll sign off and go to bed. More later~ net

Proud to be Connor and Brenna's Mommy!

Hello, Wow today was such a great day! Mark and I got new cell phones which is awesome. LOVE IT!! I feel like I am in with the times now with my new phone. It's funny how we can get so excited about a phone. It takes beautiful pictures too just loved taking them of the kids today at the pumpkin patch. Oh honey this isn't your run of the mill type pumpkin patch this was the big city kind of one. A 20 acre corn maze, pony rides, zip line, tractor rides, hay rides, train rides and so much more. I have to tell you the most priceless moment for me was when we were in the corn maze and the family was looking at the maze map and I thought this is a pretty awesome family outing. It was so great to feel so good with my family. I just loved that moment, of course when the kids picked out their pumpkins that was pretty fun, and all the rides they went on that was pretty special as well. Brenna sure did like the tractor bike a lot she went on it about six times. Connor got to play laser tag he loved it of course a ten year old boy would. He did want to ride the bucking bronco, but hopefully next time we go out there. Brenna wanted to do the zip line as well, but we thought she might be a little too young for that, but she might like it, you never know. That is a next time kind of thing as well. It was such a great day the weather was so beautiful and cool such a great day had by all. When we got home another priceless moment is when Brenna and I made a book about our adventure today. She called it "Me and My Mommy." It brings tears to my eyes so special. She wrote in it and I wrote in it as well. I wrote about the corn maze and they hay ride she wrote about the pony ride and the tractor rides. She did all the art work in the book, because one thing for sure I can't draw worth beans. LOL It was special moment with my daughter writing that book I truly loved every minute of it. Brenna and I have been doing a lot together these days. We sing our made up songs together and read at bed time. I love my kid's company it means the world to me. Connor and I have time together as well. He liked it when I hang out with him while he reads his books at bed time. When he isn't reading he is telling me all about his time machine he is going to built one day. My little scientist. You know that movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs? Well the mother on that show bought his boy a lab coat. Well I did the same thing for my little guy because one day he will be a scientist I just know it. So proud of my kids they are such wonderful children. I feel very blessed and so proud to be their mommy. More later~

Grateful

Hello, How is everyone doing these days? I am doing well after surgery thank goodness that is over with. It wasn't so bad, but four surgeries in one year is too many. Just happy they are behind me now. I have to knock on wood because don't want any more surgeries until next year when getting reconstructive surgeries for new breast. Yeah I think I am going to go for it get new boobs. My daughter keeps asking me if they are going to grow back. Well they could actually if I go through with the surgeries. I really have missed my breast these last few weeks. I haven't worn my fake boobs for a little while due to the hysterectomy. Maybe I'll wear them tomorrow just to make me feel better about myself. I notice a difference when I don't wear them. My confidence isn't that great and I feel just not like myself when I don't have them on. Well I actually have been in menopause since February the chemo put me through that real fast, but now with the hysterectomy I feel even more well just blah some days. I feel like I have an empty pit in my stomach. Maybe I am grieving the loss of my uterus and ovaries. It could be I have had them all my life. I feel like I am in a little bit of a slump. Well I am not going to college now I decided to let that go until I am fully healed and also to let Mark finish his college. I think one of us going is enough for now. I have to say I am very proud of Mark for working full-time and going to school full-time not sure how he is doing it. He is sacrificing a lot with his family right now. He misses out on a lot of stuff he does come up for air once in a while and that is when we get to talk to him. He is a trooper though just working so hard and doing an excellent job both at school and at work. They love him at his job. He feels proud to be working for the State and I am so so proud of my man. Keep up the good work honey bun. You know I don't think he reads my blogs, but that is okay he has other things to do for now. I do have to say that I am looking forward to Thanksgiving I am very thankful to be alive and well so looking forward to making the Turkey and all the fixings. I just wish I had someone to come visit me, hint hint friends, mom. hmmm don't think they read my blog either..LOL I am batting a 100 right now aren't I? The only one bummer part of this Thanksgiving is mark only gets the Thursday off and has to work Friday...boo. Well at least he gets the weekend off so we can put up our tree. Yep it's a tradition to do that on Thanksgiving weekend. I love it so much I think the kids really get a kick out of it too. They get to see all their neat ornaments over the years we have gotten them. They are so fun to see again every year. Yeah you can say I am ready for the holidays. I have a lot to be so thankful this year. Did you know on October 17, 2013 will be a year knowing I had cancer? Yep it's just about a whole year and I went through some crazy bad ass stuff. It's amazing I still have my wits about me and not depressed. I am so grateful for that too. Because I know depression all too well it's not fun being mentally ill. Yeah I will say it I have an illness of the mind called major depression and I am so very grateful that during the whole process of the cancer I didn't let it effect my brain. The chemo had a field day with that, but I didn't let it rob me of anger. Wow it blows me away that I didn't become depressed it's serious folks some how I held my head high and came out a winner. Thank you God. I am still fighting like a girl and I am going to beat this. Now to beat the weight issue I tell you that is one battle that is a hard road to go down. I know I can do it because I have lost weight, but I tell you I am having struggles with it. I know I can do it but just staying committed that is key. You know wish I had some money I would hire a personal trainer and my own personal chef that would be a dream come true. Well I think I'll go dream about my weight loss success story and write more later~ net

Looking Forward

Hello, Wow I am up and writing in my blog tonight feels good to be up not feeling so tired. Let me say that anesthesia really makes one sleep a lot and have strange dreams. It does for me anyway. Well my surgery wasn't a great success for the doctor the robot broke down in the middle of surgery and then they had to redo everything like turn me around and not do robotics on me. All I know is that it was a rough surgery the doctor said. I am thinking in my mind "Yeah but am I okay?" I just better be doing well that is my wish. It's too bad the doctor had a bad day, but thank God I didn't. I am glad I am feeling okay it was a doozy though from the shoulder pain and belly pain, but I am up and around doing okay. I was up that morning at 1 am walking around the halls and again at 4 am. The nurses were proud of me and I of myself. I sure did feel tired though real sleepy this time not like last time I was feeling really good after surgery this time not so much. I am just so glad I am home now and hanging with the family. It was funny the other day my daughter says to me "mommy why you being so lazy?" I said honey I am not lazy I just had surgery I am sore. I guess even though you have surgery you are still suppose to do things for yourself. Darn I thought that meant people waiting on me. Well it doesn't work in this house we must do it ourselves. Well today I got ready for class and was thinking man could use another down time and just chill out, but I took my shower and went to class tonight. It was tough, but I was going to be there no matter what. I get there and the teacher looked at me and said "You are here?" I said yes of course. Well she later informed me that I have been cancelled from the school due to missing 2 classes in a row. The only thing is they knew about my surgery way in advance so I thought I would have a good excuse to miss classes. The bummer part is she didn't even call to tell me I was cancelled today. I could have had the time to relax tonight, but instead took my butt out of bed to make it to class. So I am a little bent about the whole thing. She plans to call me tomorrow the Dean of the school just going to let them know that I gave advance notice and I don't think I should be cancelled. Who knows maybe it's not time for me to go to school maybe I need to concentrate on saving money and traveling that sounds like a better idea anyway. I really want to take Mark to Ireland that would be a dream come true for him. Of course my trip to Hawaii with Rosa next September Mark doesn't know it yet, but I just have to go to Hawaii with my two best friends Rosa and Liz. It just has to happen. I also want to take the kids on a Disney cruise that is a must for sure. What a blast we all would have. I have to think of these things to keep me going and have goals for myself it's a must for me. You know on October 17, 2013 it will be a year since knowing I had cancer. I am cancer free as I write this so I want to keep staying cancer free, but need some goals to move forward. You know I even told Mark tonight maybe after feeling better in the next month of course I should just go back to work. I have ten years health field experience behind me I can find a job without the schooling. He thought that the schooling would make me happy sure it would make me learn more and meet new people, but I can learn on the job and meet new people that way and get paid doing it. Yeah now that I am cancelled I might as well forget about all those school loans and concentrate on finding a job. I think that would make me happy to look for work and maybe even having an interview or two. I know where I want to work too so I think I'll start looking there first. So wish me luck I am going to look for work I do believe. I've been a stay-at-home for some time now and just feel it would be good for me to get out of the house now the kids are getting older. I would like to do something and working bringing home some money would help Mark out a whole lot. Okay so going to start looking tonight online. I'll keep you all posted on my findings. More later~

Surgery

Hello, Yep it's 1 am and I am up writing on my blog should be in bed have a lot of things to do tomorrow one of them is getting a much deserve massage. I want to get it done before surgery it seems to help I've been told. I also have a few phone calls to make in the morning then get ready for school tomorrow. It's going to be a long day if I don't get back to sleep. I am not sure why I woke up, but just wanted to write my mother an email and get on my blog. Yeah I am a little nervous about my up coming surgery on Wednesday. I just want it to be over with so I can get on with my life put the cancer behind me and move on. I think that is the better way to do it just move on and not look back on the cancer. I have notice I've been talking about it with my classmates so that is fine, but don't want to talk about it too much let's move on and get life back sounds good to me. My heart is heavy though found out two friends have cancer and it hurts to hear this news. I will pray for their well being and I do feel for them in what they are going to go through, but I lift up good thoughts for them and wish them a speedy recovery. You can beat this!!! I love you very much!! Well my weight has gone out the window I just can't keep it together with all that is going on with me, surgery, school and home life just going, going, going and what do I do find comfort in foods. I know deep down I have to lose this weight, but once something stressful comes along I am at it again feed me! I have to get back in the mind set. I so much want to finish what I start like the weight loss journey and my schooling I just have to reach those goals. I CAN DO IT!!! I have goals in mind that I want to achieve like being slimmer for my 30th class reunion, my Hawaii trip and just be healthy. I know I can do it not sure if I am self sabotaging it's highly possible though. I lose some weight and then say no I can't be thin and I eat and gain the weight back. What is wrong with me? I need to change my way of thinking saying Yes I can lose weight and be that thin gal. It's okay for me to be healthy and happy. I CAN DO IT!! Well I have to start the prep on Tuesday morning going to be my cleanse day and that is a good start to lose weight I suppose. Get to drink all clear liquids pretty much fast all day. It's going to be interesting at school hope no accidents happen. YIKES! I think that is worse than having the surgery making sure you are cleansed out. It has to happen it's better for one in the long run any way. It's going to be a piece of cake no worries! I CAN DO IT!!! LOL Well my kids are doing well with school proud of them. They like their teachers and they have a lot of friends too. I of all people know how important friends are. Love all my friends so very much!! I sent off about twelve cards to most of my friends over the weekend. I love to write. I do have the surgery on my mind big time can't seem to stop thinking about it. I know I'll be okay, but still it's major surgery who wouldn't be nervous? I do like the way the hospital takes care of me and I like how they do their surgeries. They take you in the room get weighed, change in a gown, take vitals, start an IV, talk to the doctors and then hubby comes in...love that part. Then the pastor comes in and prays for me and the doctors. Then they give the happy juice and I am off to the surgery room. I am usually out by the time I am on the other table so that is a good thing. Then I am awake in recovery coughing and wiggling my toes and I am done with surgery. Still nerve racking though, but I'll be taken care of I pray for all the medical stay taking care of me. Can't wait to be done with the surgery. Oh I didn't say anything about what is going on with my schooling. I have a quiz tomorrow and homework is due as well, pretty much all done, but still have to make a collage of my future goals and dreams. We have to share with the class. I am not even close to being down, but going to do a fast collage because I have to have mine down a day early since of surgery. It will be fine just work on it all day Tuesday. It will come out great. Well that is all for tonight more later~ net

Mean People Suck!

Hello, Well it's been a good week started college and it's going good so far. The only problem is my son is worrying about mommy at night. You see I go to school in the evening and Connor says he can't sleep peaceful without me close by. He is so used to me being here at night he is my little worry wart. Bless his heart. He was glad that I didn't have school tonight because he says now he can rest better and fall asleep so much easier. Gosh I love my kids so much!! So anyway school is going well, but next week I am going to miss two days for the surgery yeah the time has finally come to have it done. I just can't wait for it to be over with so I can get back to my life again. I am happy to say I am glad I am going back to school to keep me busy and have something to do while the kids are at school makes me feel good about myself gives me more confidence. You know some of my new fellow students were talking about our subject in class and we came across a question about self-esteem. Well I went and told them what someone told me just recently and it really made my self-esteem low it really hurt my feelings and this person I don't think knows how mean she is especially when I just recently had surgery on my breast (double mastectomy). The person said "well you don't have any boobs now, but you look pregnant." I didn't say anything back to this person due to being in shock by those words. She kicked me when I was down and it still hurts. I have been told by many people this person is just a very mean individual and doesn't seem to care about other's feelings. The reason I am saying this now is because it came up in my class and it's about self-esteem. I feel I am getting my self-esteem back now that I have my prosthesis they feel really good and they even look really good as well. I am so glad I have them now. As for this person that said that to me well she is just living her life with not a care in the world. I am sure she has forgotten all about it, but words hurt especially when it hasn't been the first time this has occurred. She needs to stop pointing her finger at everyone else because three fingers are pointing back at her. What I learned in school is we need to change our minds and see things differently this person needs to think before she speaks change your mind and stop being so mean and hurtful to others. I feel you like to hurt others because you want to make yourself feel better or you are just a miserable person deep down inside. All I know is I am going to change my mind and see things differently and hope this person finds love in her soul. I am happy I am me even what I've been through in my life. I am just so grateful I am not a mean person. I don't think I could live with myself if I were. How do all those mean people live with themselves? They don't think that they are mean that is the problem. Oh and it's not because I am too sensitive well maybe so, but it's better than being mean because you know what mean people suck. There is one thing that I wish I did and that is to stand up to this person and give her mean comments back, but I don't want to stoop to her level so I keep my mouth shut and keep the peace. What I tell myself is that God knows the truth that is what keeps me going. So all that aside I am happy to say things are going pretty well in my little corner of the world I am feeling better and losing weight. Yeah I haven't forgot about the weight journey still at it, but lately been nervous about the surgery and school I've been eating a little more than I should some comfort foods have gotten past me...LOL how did that happen? Well I'll get back on track soon. I still have a goal to be down to a size 18 by Christmas that will be so wonderful I can do it change my mind for the better. More later~ net

Going Back to College!

Hello! I took a shower this evening and thought what a bummer I have no breast any more I didn't feel like crying, but thought about how it's nice that they don't get in the way any more. I can have breast if I want to or not want to. In a way I kind of have it made breast or no breast. The weight isn't on there any more feels kind of nice sometimes. Yeah I am thinking of the silver lining I suppose. It's a little strange with no breast kind of miss them I suppose too, but I do love to put them on if I want to it does feel nice when I do. I love my prosthesis so much they are truly a blessing to have them. Thank goodness for health insurance to have them paid for too. Well my weight is in a slumps. I haven't weighed myself for over 2 weeks and I am wanting to really bad. I just haven't been doing very well in my walking and my eating and I have my 30th High School reunion that is coming up in a year would love to look slim and trim for that special occasion it will be fun to see everyone again fat, thin, bald, hair, short, tall and just darn good looking. LOL Yes I like the class reunions it's great to see the people you hung out with four years. I like being part of the committee too it's fun getting this thing off the ground. Now if we can get people to get their addresses in to us that would be great. Yeah it will be a fun time celebrating 30 years. Hard to believe that I am this old now. Wow 50 is coming up way too fast. Can't believe I am going to be 50 years old. Hmmm not sure if I want to talk about 50. Let's talk about something else like I am going back to school on Wednesday. I am looking forward to it too. Get my head into something now that my kids are growing up it's time for mommy to be doing something for herself again. School sounds like a good place to start and then go back to work once I am finished. I think Mark really likes that idea the most me going back to work. He has been carrying the load for almost 6 years now. That is a long time not to be working really, but I had to make that choice to stay home with my kids. I am glad I did it too and had the opportunity to stay home thank you Mark for that. You know how hard of a decision it was for me to work or not to work with kids. I remember times I would leave Connor at daycare and cry all the way to work. It was hard on me. Then when Brenna was born it just became stressful to work because I was more for working to pay for daycare and when the kids got sick I stayed home and Mark didn't my work was just as important as his was. It was very stressful time then. So now that behind us I am going back to school and proud of myself! Yay Me! LOL I feel I am going to be doing something I am proud of doing. I am going to be an administrator medical assistant front office work. I really enjoy working in the front office I thoroughly enjoyed my job as a receptionist at the GI lab I worked for in California that was a very good job and I was proud to work there. That reminds me need to get them a card soon. I love to write snail mail still. That is another subject though. Anyway yeah it was fun to work at the GI lab good people and good work too. Wow it's going to be weird going back to work again after so long being off work. I won't be able to take my naps anytime I want. Love napping during the day sometimes it's nice. I do like the social aspect of working though miss being around the people and contributing to society. You know Mark says I am a lot different when I have a job. He says that I am more confident and my attitude is much better. Yeah I am going to like to work a whole lot more. First things first have to graduate. It will take about 10 months and I'll be good to go out there and get a job. I am hoping to stay some where close to our home in Idaho, but if hey if it takes us out of Idaho maybe like California I'll be okay with that too. I really miss my friends and my mom and brother very much. Mark said once he gets his degree that he'll see what opportunities take us. Sure he has a good job now, but you never know with his degree he could get a better job and he said that could take us out of the State. So we'll see how that will go later on first he has to get done with his degree, but he is doing so well he'll getter done. I am so proud of him for doing so well in school and working full-time. Way to go honey!! Keep up the good work! I will close on that note it's now 3 am so off to bed I go. More later~ net

Surgery date

Hello! Well I know when my next surgery will be September 18th. Yep another surgery geez I think I am done after that. Yeah going to put this whole cancer thing away and get on with my life. I am not going to think about it or let it run my life. Some of my nurse navigators ask me to participate in cancer functions, but I just rather not think of any of it. Now I might walk for Susan G. Komen foundation one day, but as of this moment no more c word for me. I'm done and ready to face the world with an open mind and happiness in my heart. Putting it behind me will let me do just that. One of the things I plan to do for myself is go back to school. Yeah I start very soon and looking forward to it. The whole family is going to school pretty cool really. I plan to take my administration medical assistant course. I want to work in the front office. I believe I do a good job at it and I enjoy helping patients coming in the office. I don't mind all the paper work either it keeps me very busy. I miss working for the GI lab years ago it was such a good job miss the people and the work as well. So once I am done with my certificate I plan to go back to work. It will be great to go back to work now that my kids are older. It will be something for me to do for myself. I am doing a lot for myself these days. I am trying to lose weight so far I am down 23 lbs. I have a ways to go, but I am going to do it this time for my health and my sanity. I just want to look HOT damn it!! It would be so nice to fit in my size 18 jeans I have in my closet. Oh no that isn't where I am stopping at, I am going to try to get to a size 12 now I would be HOT in a size 12. I wouldn't even mind being a 14. I am working on it and doing very well with my eating. I am in that mind set and it's working great. I have though decided to put away the scale it wasn't doing me any favors. I actually would weigh myself every day and I would be disappointed. The scale is going away for a month now. I am going to have my husband hide it from me. My mom told me to do that a long time ago, but did I listen? no. I am now though. I will weigh-in again on September 28th early morning to see how I did. So mark your calendars sure hope I do well. I have measured myself also and I know that I have already lost an inch around my neck, waist and hips. YAHOO!! I know wasn't suppose to measure was I? I am eager to lose the weight but not wanting to wait for it to come off so slow. It's going to take me about a year to get this weight off. SIGH~~ Okay I'll wait for it to come off slowly that is all I can do at this time. I've made some great changes in my diet. I am not sure if I mentioned this before if I have sorry for the repeat. I stopped drinking soda, no more creamer so no more coffee, I drink green tea, drink skim milk, eat oatmeal every day, have stevia instead of sugar, park as far from the store as possible and I am doing a lot of walking. FEELS GREAT making these changes. I am eating a lot healthier and I am counting all my calories on Myfitnesspal.com it's a great site reminds me a little of Facebook though. I haven't wrote much on FB lately I will put this up on FB though like to post my blog online. I hope I encourage someone today or put a smile on their face. Well it's almost 1 am here in Idaho. So more later~ net

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Hello, Well down a few pounds like 22 pounds. But gain 3 lbs. back a little bent out of shape on that though. I just have to get back with it and keep walking and eating healthy. I am loving this new site it's called My fitness pal.com. It is really helping a lot. I put all my food in my diary and track all my exercise daily. I have decided to quit weight watchers and just stick with my pal. It will save me money in the long run and my pal is free. LOVE FREE!!! You get really good support on there as well. I love to see all the success stories myself because it keeps me motivated. I might have slip up today, but that is okay I'll get back to it tomorrow. Yeah I ate some chocolate and had a coke. I am not proud of myself, but I did it and I am admitting to it. Tomorrow will be a better day. I tracked it in my food diary today. I went over my calorie goal. Just have to do more walking tomorrow. I plan to get up and take my morning walk with my dog. I love having my time together just her and I. The kids are sleeping and I get to have me time. LOVE IT!! Well let's us see what else is happening. I am feeling much better after my surgery doesn't hurt any more and I got my prosthesis very nice silver lining perky breast again. LOVE IT!!I feel like a new woman with those I tell you feels so good to have boobs again. Well I've decided to put the cancer behind me and get on with life. Some of my nurse navigators are calling me up and asking me to go to a cancer function or class and I am not interested I want to get on with my life and not think of the cancer. I had a art class the other day for cancer and didn't go, maybe I should have might have learned something about art, but just wasn't into it. I didn't want to paint about the cancer just want it to be done. Move on and live life to the fullest. So the best thing for me to do for myself is go back to school. I start classes very soon and I am looking forward to it. Yep this mama is going back to school and soon I'll graduate and then I'll get back into the work force. I miss working outside the home. I haven't work outside the home since 2007. Yeah my kids are growing up and time for me to get back into life and live a little. I loved staying home with my children it was the best thing that I could have done for them and me so blessed to be able to say that I got to do that. Now though is time for me to get back in life and see other people and bring home some bacon. Yeah that will help Mark out bringing in an income too. We do want to buy another house one day soon. To do that I need to be working. First thing first have to finish school. I am going to get my administration medical assistant front office. I am looking forward to it too that is my experience lies is in the front office. I like to do that type of work the most. I get to help the patient and still do all the front office work. I really enjoyed my job at the GI lab in my former city. It was a lot of fun too got to meet some great people and just be able to socialize love that the most. I am excited to get to be in school to meet new students, make new friends and learn something too. Not too keen on all the studying and not seeing my babies off to bed at night, but in the long run it will be worth it. That is what I keep telling myself with Mark's studies. It's every weekend he has to study it's rough on us all really. I keep reminding myself that it will be worth it in the long run. He may even get a raise once he graduates. Mark informed me a few days ago that he wants to go for his Master's degree. I had no idea he was planning that, but I am happy for him, but again all the studying is driving us crazy. Especially him he works full-time and goes to school full-time damn he is one tough cookie. I couldn't do it at least I don't think so I tried to do it when at college, but became depressed too exhausted. I am very proud of him though very proud. I can't wait for his graduation day it will be very emotional for me. He is sacrificing his time for his degree right now and that cuts a little bit. I just keep thinking this too shall pass and it will be so wonderful when he receives his diploma. I will be very proud of myself when I get mine as well. I am going to be getting a certificate though, but that is okay I just don't have it in me to do a bachelor's degree right now. I think one at a time in the family is enough to get a bachelor's degree once Mark is finished I may think about it then. So we'll see. Until then going to feel it, live it and love it it's all about school right now all of us are going to school. We are going to be a very busy family. I think I can like that a lot better than being bored. There will be no time for being bored now. Well as for my health I am feeling good. I did go to the dermatologist a couple of weeks ago and they found a mole that needs to be removed. He said doesn't look like skin cancer, but we need to make sure it's okay. Gosh I hope it comes back benign "Ain't nobody got time for that." LOL No more cancer okay Lord please dear God. Well Mark had a good point if I did have cancer the chemo probably ate it up so I should be okay. It just bothers me a little bit. I want to put cancer behind me and move on with life so lets do that okay dear God. I do have to have a hysterectomy next month then after that I am good to go live a cancer free life. Amen! Can't wait until that is over with. My mother-in-law is in California so she won't be here to help me. She had surgery today on her back so she is out of commission right now. So all I'll have is my honey bun to help me. I might be able to get a friend to help me out. Also get the meal train help as well. They give meals to family members who are going through rough times. It's a great service love not having to worry about dinners. Well if I am going to go on my walk in the morning I better get to bed. Thanks for reading my blog and for all the support a girl could ask for. more later~

Losing weight!

Hello! Well things aren't as bad as the last post. My mom doesn't have diabetes it's not as bad as she thought. Mark does start his new job today at the State excited for him he'll probably love it. Make him feel important. I am still starting school in September and having my hysterectomy same month, but I am sure I can work around my school with it. I hope! Good news I am losing weight lost 2 lbs. yesterday total of weight loss 8 lbs. LOVE IT!! I had to lose 108 lbs. so 100 more to go I can do this. I am really focused on it too. I am walking every morning I walk to the school and around the track feels great to get the exercise. My dog Bailey loves it too. I am keeping a video diary of my progress so hopefully this time next year I'll have the 100 pounds behind me and I can see the process. Will be so nice to be down to a size 12. I want to get down to 170 lbs. Shoot at this point I'll be happy to be under 200 lbs. I've been over 200 lbs. for so long it's such a shame. For my 8 pound weight loss bought three blouses that were 2x instead of 3x happy about that small feat. LOL it's the little things in life that make us happy. I can't wait to wear my new blouses. I know I shouldn't buy me any new clothes, but I couldn't help it had to get a little something to celebrate my victory of a whopping 8 lbs. LOL I am proud of myself darn it. My dilemma is I am not sure I want to stay with Weight Watchers right now. I am doing well on the My Fitness Pal. com I will make that decision when my 10 weeks are up. Not sure I really want to spend $119 dollars on another 10 weeks when I am doing it with help from my fitness pal.com. Also I don't like their scales as much as mine it says I lost more weight on mine, maybe they have their scales rigged or something so you don't lose that much weight so fast. When I weighed in the last time I was 282. my scale said 280 lbs. that is a lot better than the 282 lbs. So when I go on Wednesday it might not show I lost the eight pounds..and that will be a bummer. I will get discouraged I am sure. So I think I've made up my mind and I am going to lose weight on my own. That solves that problem. So anyway things are going pretty well with my family except my brother-in-law is very ill has cancer all through his body brain and spine. I really don't think he has much time to live it's very sad. I will keep praying for him. My kids are doing well getting ready for school soon. The whole family will be in school soon. Mom and dad too. I am looking forward to my new school and learning as much as possible. It's going to be so good for me to do something for myself. The kids are getting older and now it's time for mommy to take care of herself. Losing weight whoop whoop!! Going to school and exercising too. I am feeling a lot better than I did a few months ago. It's like night and day how I was and man do I feel so much better feels awesome!! That chemo was horrible I don't want to do it again that is for sure. Let's hope I don't have that to deal with that again ever. OH yeah our renters didn't skip out on us so that is good news we still have them renting our home. So grateful for that. Mark and I were also concerned about what we were going to do with the kids when I go to school and I believe that is all taken care of we believe Mark gets to go in early to work and get off early too. That would work very well. I go into school at 5:30pm so he'll be here in time for me to go to school. So that is good news. He'll know more today though can't wait to hear what his hours will be. I haven't heard when my surgery will be yet I had that Doctor's office cancel my August 6th appointment until the 26th. I'll know then when I'll have my surgery on that day. I sure hope the school helps me get my school work done and I don't miss too much of my homework. I might call my advisor today and tell her what is going on we'll see. Thinking positive about it. Well I think I'll close for now and keep on losing that weight!!! more later~

Holy Crap!

Hello! Well I was writing a little note to a friend and this is what I wrote for starters...geez a lot is going on in our lives. Mark got the offer on the job for the State, I am going back to school. I am trying to lose weight (having hard time with that one) going camping with Connor this weekend, I am going to have the hysterectomy in August, and our renters might have skipped on us. hmmm is there anything else I might of forgotten? Oh my mom has diabetes not on insulin but probably pretty close to it. YIKESKIS huh? Hope your world is a little less hectic for you. man it's hella crazy here. Oh yeah had a nice Birthday party for Bren and it's not even her birthday yet. It's on Wednesday Wow can't believe she is going to be 7 blows me away. Yeah we are a little busy these days. I just hope to heck our renters haven't jump out on us. That would be the pits. The reason why I think this is we got a notice from the utilities that service will be turned off on the 1st of August. The bill hasn't been paid. I am hoping it's just a mess up with their funds and not that they have jumped ship. Then Mark tells me he is afraid his back ground check for the new job might have some false positives on it. Gosh I hope not hope it comes back clean. He is freaking me out on that one. He just thinks that sometimes records get messed up he doesn't trust that very much. Well I think it will come back just fine. He is thinking the worse case scenario. Mark did say he hope something new doesn't pop up for us right now. He still has to study some time in between all of this. Holy Crap poor guy. Stay calm, relax and breath. As for the camping trip Mark is thinking of going too so that puts another kink into things as well. We were going to let Connor go alone, but he doesn't know anyone up there so we really need to be there with him especially for his first outing with his troop scouts. I am trying to get a battery for my bi-pap machine so I can go really don't want to go without it. I'll see tomorrow about a battery for my bi-pap machine. Darn sleep apnea it's my own fault for putting on this weight, well anti-depressants play some type of problem with my weight too. Anyway it's got me bummed out tonight. I wish I can lose the extra 40 pounds right away, but it's not coming off as fast as I would like it to. I have been making some good changes in my diet such as, no soda, more water, no creamer in my coffee, drinking green tea, walking every morning at 6 am and eating much better. I think what it is that the weight is on my mind all the time so I am stressing about it so it's not coming off. I also feel real hungry lately probably from all that is going on. I am emotional eater I eat when I am stress, happy, sad or angry not good. I sure do want to be around longer for my family so if I keep this weight I am not doing anyone any favors so I must get stronger and lose this weight and have it be like a full-time job. That is what it's going to take. I wish I had the money for a personal trainer that would be good for me. Well in the mean time I am going to stick with weight watchers and do my best with it. On a happier note my hair is coming back and it feels great. Oh and also I get my new breast on Friday can't wait for those I'll feel so much better about myself. They really feel like real breast when they are on and that is just great to have boobs again. I have been using the stuffing and that just doesn't cut it. lol it just falls out and I put it back in like a scare crow putting it's straw back into it's shirt. Can't wait for my boobs. Oh that reminds me another to do list get the implants next year hmmm wonder how I'll fit that in with College? I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes. I am not even sure I'll get the implants yet we'll see. It's a lot to consider so I'll put that on the back burner for now. I am having a nice cup of green tea while I write this taste good. Oh and I am breathing deeply. It's now 2:24 am I should be in bed right now, but just had to say what was on my mind. Thanks for reading my blog. More Later~ net

Dreams

Hello! I am feeling really good today. I went on my walk with my dog Bailey I haven't stopped walking since I got back from vacation every morning. It feels great. It's time for myself because the kids are sleeping and I get to just do a few things for myself in the morning. Like write on my blog, take a shower, write in my journal and pretty soon read in the Bible. Yeah that dream I had about my grams really has stuck in my mind so much. I really truly believe she came to see me in my dream again. She was young full of life and told me to read the Bible more often. She also said take care of myself. I am thinking lose this weight. How can I not listen to my grams right?! I mean geez she comes to me in my dream from Heaven have to listen to her. I love those dreams so much. It was like there were two grams there one was dancing and the other was a messenger telling me to get with it. She was wearing all white pants and a shirt kind of baggy and she had these yellow like gel slippers on it was weird but cool it would be like grams wearing her gold shoes. They are suppose to be white, but she probably talked with God and said she has to wear yellow just to be different...LOL The other grams was in one of her colorful blouses and she was just a dancing up a storm I loved it. It makes me want to go out dancing so I can lose this weight faster. I did lose another pound so that is good just have to weigh in on Wednesday morning. Yep on weight watchers loving it! It's so good for me to be doing something for myself that is positive. I just can't wait until I go to the meetings though. I have to wait until the kids are back into school. They are in school end of August so it won't be long now. I do like having them home love having the break for summer. It will be nice though when I can do my own thing when they are at school. Yeah I am going back to College going to get my certificate as Administration Medical Assistant. I already have the experience, but it would be nice to have the extra knowledge of knowing more in the front office. May even be able to get a job faster with it too. I am excited to go back to school and learn something new and a little scared because of all the studying I have to do too. It's going to take up a lot of my time, but the kids will understand mommy is in College learning something and it might make them want to go to college when they are ready. They see daddy going and well hmmm it could back fire because Mark does study a lot they may not want to go to College...LOL well you never know we are going to encourage them to go that is for sure. I know for sure Connor will he wants to be a scientist and I am going to do my best at full filling his dreams. Brenna says she wants to be a singer, dancer and artist. She might even get into acting as well she is pretty good at it already. My little star~ I am putting her in gymnastics soon she will love it. Connor is going into the cub scouts so excited for him he gets to go on his first camping trip this weekend. I was going to go, but my bi-pap machine doesn't take batteries so no camping for me..rats! I really wanted to go camping too. Once I get this weight off maybe I won't have sleep apnea that would be great. Gosh I wish weight came off faster darn it any how. I'll just keeping it up and do it one pound at a time or more that would be nice. I notice that since I've been getting up early for my walks I have more energy all day long. Oh shoot I have to tell you about the birthday party. Bren's birthday party was a blast. The kids came had a good time and the cake was a huge hit. The rainbow My Little Pony cake. It was a lot of fun to make and I really enjoyed Bren's help with it she is amazing little girl very intelligent. A huge thank you to my husband Mark for making the cutie marks he out did himself. Yeah it was fun and I think Bren loved it. So now with her actual birthday we are having family over and having cupcakes and get her a surprise for her birthday she is getting a brand new bike with a basket on it. Yeah she wanted a basket to hold all her ponies. She is going to be so excited. She told me the other day she likes surprises and wants a surprise party one day. Oh boy I plan to do that for the kids for sure one of these days. It would be fun maybe when they are 16 have a huge surprise party for them. They will get a kick out of that. Well I am off to an appointment so I'll write more soon~ net

My Grams~

Hello! Well I am getting used to walking in the morning it's 5:30 am. My dog Bailey and I hit the trail it's great. I am so glad I started to walk it's helping a lot with my psyche gets me out of my head and it's also way to think things through. As for my weight loss program it's going, but not losing the weight like I would want too lose it all today..Yeah right not going to happen. I have to take one pound at a time. My mom was a little harsh telling me that I can't stay on a diet no longer than 4 days. I've been on a diet now for 3 weeks. I do have to battle with medication and the chemo might have played a part on the weight gain as well. I've been tracking my points too and well at least one thing is good I haven't gained weight so that is a huge plus. I weigh in today so hoping I lost a few pounds. I think the points I am eating is a little high for me. 52 points so going to cut that up a bit and eat 30 points a day. I think that will help a lot. Just so proud of myself for walking every day. It was weird one day after I was sleeping just getting back from vacation I sprang out of bed and said I am going on a walk and haven't stopped since that morning. I do wonder if I had another dream of my grandma and she told me to take care of myself. Yeah she came to me in a dream and said do what you have to do for yourself Nettie. I was thinking it was about going back to College, but I think it was about my health because a few years later I got word of the cancer. I did love that dream about Grams because she wasn't sick looking and she was pretty young in the dream it was a neat dream. I wish I can have those dreams every night about grams. I Miss her so much!! I would call grams all the time just to chit chat and complain about Mark. She was so sweet though just would listen to my problems and not say anything bad about Mark she said us Capricorns need to stick together. She was funny too. I know she knows I have the cancer, but I wish I could talk to her for support call her up and just tell her what is going on with me. I know she knows, but it would be great to see her again. I hope not too soon though if you know what I mean. I do want the cancer to stay at bay. Yes still have thoughts of dying, but they haven't been too bad just living life and getting ready for a fun 7th Birthday party. Gosh I've been looking forward to this party for some reason. I guess because when I was 7 I had a good time too. I also had long hair now Bren has the long hair as well. It's pretty neat. When I was four I had short hair and so did Bren...it was an accident didn't plan it that way just happened. Well when I was 7 I had some professional pictures taken so I thought it would be a good idea for the kids to get some done as well. I'll have them get some new outfits of course they are going to need new clothes for the school year. I am looking forward to shopping for school clothes too. Yeah it's been a fun summer I guess I am ready for the kids to go back to school, well ask me in about a week before school starts...then I'll for sure be ready. LOL There is so much I want to do when the kids are back in school and that is go to the YMCA workout, maybe find a part-time job or actually go back to school. I am going to talk to advisor today about getting into Admin medical assistant program. I think it would be good for me to go to school again. Sure it won't be a bachelor's degree, but I think with that behind me it will look good on my resume. I like to work in the front office or even the back as well. Maybe I can do it all :-) I really miss working outside the home. One day I'll get back out there now the kids are getting older. It would be good for me. The only thing is have to stay well get the hysterectomy done then all that is behind me I hope. You know I don't even think of the cancer that much and I don't want to just want to put it all behind me, but sometimes once in a while I think about the mutated gene I have and that bums me out. Also the Triple Negative Breast cancer that is a bad one to get. So have to live life to the fullest right now. So I am doing it and loving my kids, husband and all my friends, mom and brother too. I have a lot to do this coming up year so I'll be busy. Rosa, Liz and I are going on the Hawaii trip. I just think it's very important that I get to do that soon like next year. Then also go to my 30th class reunion looking forward to that of course even better if I am down to a size 16 maybe even a 12 would be sweet. I know it's about being healthy, but to look great would be icing on the cake. I also want to get the implants too so that is on my list of to do things. A lot going on right now for me. Oh I forgot to mention I am now drinking green tea and stopped drinking coffee and creamer and no more soda. I am loving it feel good about myself! Well I think I'll go for another walk before the heat comes so more later~ net

A New Woman!

Hello! Wow it's amazing I am writing on my blog at 7 am instead of 3 am. Well I went on my morning walk with my dog Bailey felt great. I am going farther and farther everyday. I am walking every morning at 6 am Mark wakes me up AT 5:30, but it takes me a half an hour to get out of bed...BAHAHA Gosh just to think a few months ago I could barely get out and walk half that. I couldn't even think about walking that is how bad I felt, not alone go to the school even though it's 15 minutes to get there. I am so proud of myself for how far I've come. Well did I write about getting fitted for my prosthesis and bras the other day. It felt so good to have boobs again. They felt so real and looked great! I will now have some perky breast...LOL That is the silver lining got to love that. Yeah I put on the breast and wow what a difference it made in my whole body and mind confident. I felt like a new woman. As of today I am just wearing a padded bra and it feels good too, but the prosthesis feel so amazing. I can wait for them it takes about 2 weeks to get the prosthesis. That is okay because just wearing a bra helps so much. I am getting a size A seems small, but it's not it's actually a very good size for me. It will be so nice to have them. There is a science behind the fitting of prosthesis don't know how to explain it, but that is okay at least I am going to feel like a new woman! I am getting excited for my kid's 7th and 10th birthday this year. Brenna is going to have a My Little Pony party. I am making the rainbow cake will be a lot of fun. She is going to make the cutie marks on the cake for me. You see she is an artist not mommy..lol Then we'll have the little ponies all around the cake it will look so cute. I'll take pictures and put them on Facebook. Fun stuff. Connor wants a creeper cake from Minecraft. I found a cute gal on YouTube Nerdy Nummies so funny. I really like how she bakes her cakes. I think I am beginning to like trying to bake new items lately ever since I found skinnykitchen.com I am going to make these chocolate balloon bowls the kids will love them. You put all kinds of things in them you want, but I think it would be great for the ice cream then they can eat the bowl. So fun looking forward to making everything. I think I am just as excited for this birthday party as Bren. Keeps me busy. Because lately I have had a lot of time on my hands to be thinking a lot and sometimes it's not all that good, but I am trying to not get down right now don't need that. Like Rosa said I have a lot to be Thankful for and just think positive thoughts. I am looking forward to so much lately so I'll be totally fine. I do have that darn hysterectomy to do still not looking forward to that. I see a new doctor about all that soon. I guess he uses the DeVinci Robot as well. ~Sigh I am just not sure about that damn robot it freaks me out. Men and their toys I just hope it gets the job done and helps me feel good and not so out of it the few days after surgery. That is the plan. I believe once that is done I can get on with life and move on. My main concern lately is my weight so that is high on the priority list. Gosh I want to look and feel healthy again. It's been too long being over 200 pounds yeah I said it it's true. My 30th class reunion is coming up in about a year and man would it be great to look good for that. Of course being healthy is the key. So this is my goal to shed these pounds and look HOT!! Hehehe It will take me about a year to lose this weight too. Yeah I ballooned up for some reason when I put the kids in a new school not sure why I did, but maybe the cancer played apart of it. Made me gain weight also the chemo wasn't good for that either. Well now I can take back my life and get with it. So much to be thankful for I have my wonderful family and getting healthy again. Feeling good!! More later~ net

Getting Healthy!

Hello! Yeah I am up again writing on my blog it's 3 am not sure why I am up, but why not write. A few things have been bothering me lately and one is my weight. It's time to get healthy and lose it. I am excited about it, but the only down fall it takes so long, but if I keep at it I can do this. Shoot I got through chemo I can get through weight loss. Right?! I started weight watchers and I lost a half of pound my first week. The only thing is they have me at 52 points a day. I think that is way too much for me to eat a day. So I am putting it down to say like 30 points a day. I don't want to be eating all day long that is crazy. I am doing a lot of walking now so that is a huge plus for me. I wake up every morning at 5:30 am and do my morning walk. My dog Bailey loves it! I do this before the kids get up and that is time for myself. I am drinking plenty of water feels great just have to pee a lot down side of drinking lots of water, but man my kidneys are loving it. Another thing that is bothering me is thinking about dying or something bad happening to my family. Yeah I guess this goes with the territory of being diagnosed with cancer. This too shall pass and I can get on with life. Sigh~ Well I was excited to go on a Hawaii trip with my friend Rosa next year, but Mark rained on my parade on that one. He said geez you just get back on a vacation and want to leave again. Well heck buddy I need to start thinking of my bucket list you know. So right now going to concentrate on losing the weight and going to my 30th class reunion next August. I did say to Mark if we end up staying in Idaho I want to go to California twice a year. He said there goes the money. That isn't true. Shoot he pulls me away from all my core friends and expects me to just not go visit them? Give me a break. I have to see my mother too. I don't think that is too much to ask for if you ask me. Especially that I don't have any family or friends here in Idaho. Okay I am making friends, but they aren't like my BFF Rosa, Liz, Kelly, Nellie, Steve, John, Chris, Michael, Nap, Susan and many more friends that I love. I miss them they are so much fun to be around. I'll make the most out of it here in Idaho, but let me go back and visit my friends at least. Who knows maybe we'll move back Mark applied for a job in Sacramento the other day. Yeah the job opened up and who knows just maybe they will hire him. I would be tinkled pink, but then I think about the high cost of living there in California. I just don't know what to do I miss my friends terribly, but are we better off in Idaho?? I guess we'll go where the good paying jobs are, but hate living in limbo right now. Want to make up our minds and get to our place of living. I want the house I can call home. It will happen things take time. God's time. Right now we are doing what we are suppose to be doing. You know when talking to Mark the other night. I think he might resent me for staying at home with the kids just a bit. Because he mentioned well we only have one income. Not true I do bring in some money from disability so that is something I am giving the family. Mark wants me to go back to school which I would love to if I knew where we were going to stay for sure. You know I just wish we can move back to California and be done with it. Yeah sure family comes first, but so does friends especially if they make you happy. Another thing is bothering me, but I am going to keep that one to myself it's a family member and not going to give them any kind of satisfaction. All I can say about that is God knows the truth. That makes me happy when I just think about God knowing the truth. Okay now I said my peace about it now I can let it go. My counselor said I need to talk about it with friends and my husband and I have so all is going well with that. There was a picture of me taken the other day with the kids. I put it on my fridge so I can be reminded on how I look right now. It's going to be my before picture. Well it's going to take me about a year to lose all this 109 lbs. Yeah that much to lose. Because I gained that 40 pounds before the cancer. It might have something to do with it too. So now to get on track and get it taken care of. My scale says I lost 6 lbs. love it, but weight watchers scale says a 1/2 of pound..hmmm don't like that much. This will be a good week to weight in I am going to lose 2 lbs!! I sure hope so. Well on that note I think I'll get back to sleep. It's about 4 am now have to get up and walk in the morning. I'll write more later. net

Dedicated to my Friends!!

Hello everyone! Well my California trip was a huge blast! I loved seeing so many friends and some family. Yeah didn't see the family as much as the friends for some reason. Everyone has quirky family members and maybe I am one of them. Oh well at least I have some really great friends!! Miss them already. My kids had such a good time seeing Grandma Jeanne, uncle Jeff and our friend Randy they are a kick in the pants..LOL fun people. I love my mom and brother so much!!! Miss them too. The trip started off with the yard sale fundraiser so grateful for all the donations from great-uncles and cousins and many many thanks to all my friends that donated their time to come out and see me. Did I mention how great my friends are? I feel like the luckiest person alive because of them all. Well more like blessed. I want to say a thank you to my friend Rosa for taking my children to the aquatic center and to the movies for me on Friday during the yard sale. The kids wouldn't have liked sitting in the hot sun all day. So thank you Rosa the kids had the best time. I am so glad their cousin Payton got to join in on the fun too. That night Brenna told me word for word what they got to do on their trip to Redding. It was so sweet to hear the fun they had. I had such great support by my sister Cyndi and her husband Gerald. They were so great they wore their pink shirts for me at the yard sale. Thank you guys! Our trip was such a good time don't know how to express it into words. We enjoyed time at the beach at Whiskeytown Lake, my son had too much sun and fainted the next day. yeah that was a little scary. But we fed him some bananas and gave him plenty of fluids and he was doing fine. Just way too much sun for my little man. We got to see the movie the Great and Powerful OZ. The kids loved that as well. In some parts it was a little scary just ask Liz and Rosa they jumped a mile at times. The kids just went with it. I have great kids I must say. I LOVE them so much!! I think the kids got a kick out of seeing so many friends my friend John, Anthony, Veronica, Rosie, Mikey and Jesse up in Redding. They loved how John made them laugh and how Jesse teased them. Pay backs though the kids got even with Jesse it was fun to watch. We spent time in Sacramento and saw my friend Kelly, Chris and Nellie. I loved it so much Rosa came with me and there I had my two close friends making me dinner. That was a really nice treat for me. The next day Liz made the kids and I breakfast yummy lemon crepes, eggs and bacon and toast. I love it when I come to visit. I sometimes want to move back I think I would be happier to be closer to my friends. It would be the world to me if that could happen, but at this time have to stay where the jobs are. One day maybe we'll move back, but in the meantime I plan to visit my California twice a year. So my next trip is in October, my husband doesn't know this yet, but he will I have to make it happen. My friends mean that much to me. We had a good time with Nap as well he took us out to dinner and I got to see my former baseball coach Dink. Yeah it will happen we'll be moving back some day I have too many friends I need around me. Sigh~ Thank you to all my friends so much for loving me. I love you!! I couldn't have gotten through chemo and the operations without you all supporting me. Another surgery is coming up in August the hysterectomy so I know my friends we'll be there for me. Well my next battle right now is losing weight. I joined weight watchers and looking forward to getting healthy. I made a really great dinner last night and loved taking care of myself feels good. I am not having all the junk food I am eating healthy and loving it. I think my kids will thank me in the long run too. Well if I can get through the chemo I can get this weight off just know I can do it. My 30th High School reunion is next year so it sure would be nice to go to it and be healthy and look HOT as well. I could wear that little black dress. I have a great goal and I am going to do it!!! Be strong live well!! on that note going back to bed it's 3 am. More later~ net

Losing weight!!

Hello! It's that time again to write on the blog. I got another infection yeah it's the pits, but it happens I guess with a major surgery. I have to take some more anti-botics. I guess another 10 days. There is good news happening I am losing weight. I am 19 lbs down since the surgery so that is a good thing. I am doing pretty good too. I am eating things I like, but protion control and eating before 7 pm at night. I don't eat antying after that time. I think that really helps a lot. I am walking a lot too. Feels good to get some of this weight off and walk more. I might not be real skinny when I see everyone next week, but I'll look a little better I think my mom will notice for sure. Moms are good at that kind of stuff. Looking forward to my trip, but to tell you the truth I've been so tired lately was thinking about postponing it a few days out. I think what I'll do though is take two days to drive it this time around. I don't want to get too tired on the way there. It will work out I'll be so excited to get on my trip I'll have some adrinaline kick in so I'll be good to go. My mom is getting her place ready for us too. Randy her roommate moved everything out of the bedroom so now the kids and I can stay in there have our own room. Totally cool! Mom is sewing curtains for the room as well. I am glad I am staying a long time because I don't want to just come down for a few days and turn around and come back home that isn't any fun. I want to take my time and have a good time. I plan to take the kids to the lake on one of the days when down there in my hometown. They have never been there so it will be a treat for them. It will be for me too since I haven't been there in a long time myself. My good friends are going to be there as well Rosa and Liz fun times. Looking forward to my fundraiser yard sale/BBQ too. That is June 14th & 15th @ 9am. If need more information please contact me on Facebook or email me. I sure hope we get a good turn out really want to see my friends so much and sure a few bucks would be nice too. Have to pay those medical bills you know. HAHA okay not funny it's pretty serious all those bills coming in, but pay a little bit at a time that is all I can do right now. I am also looking forward to my mini class reunion that will be a hoot us singing Karaoke fun stuff can't wait. It's time for me to do some celebrating chemo is over and I am going to let my hair down..haha well try to any way. My hair is coming out I am using this new shampoo I bought for fine and thinning hair. I have to say I think it's working because I am getting a lot of compliments on how fast my hair is growing out. Well I just got great news my friend that I had years ago back when I was in my twenties is coming to my fundraiser. His name is Chris. It's going to be so great to see him. Can't wait!! Gosh we go way back. That is so nice of him to come see me during this time when I need a lot of support. What a guy!! Well it's getting late I better get my beauty sleep..LOL More later~~ net

Friendship!

Hello! This time a late night entry on the ole' blog. We just got back from a 2 hour drive. What we do for our kids. We went to a birthday party yeah we drove that far, it was for our son's best friend Amber. They known each other since Kindergarten they just love each other so much it's a real bond there. Friendship is to be cherished. I know that I am loving my new friendships it feels good to have friends. I have a new friend in Melinda she is a total sweetheart. She helps me clean my house when I am laid up and just is a very kind person. I am very blessed to have her as my friend. Well I went and got an infection on my left side of where my incision is. It's called cellulitis it's kind of painful to the touch it's no fun. I just hope it doesn't get too serious where I have to be hospitalized. I am taking anti-botics for it to help take care of the infection. I sure hope they work. I want to be well for my vacation coming up in June. My mom told me it's only like 20 days or so WOW!! The kids and I are going to have so much fun can't wait!! I plan on taking them to Whiskeytown lake maybe a couple of times we'll see, I know at least once. They will love it so much got to make a list and bring shovel and pail..LOL for Brenna she loves playing in the sand on the beach. Connor he'll be in the water for sure splashing around like a fish. They both are looking forward to the trip they say they can't wait to go to California. I just hope the road trip is a good one. I'll for sure bring the IPads that might help the time pass by faster for them. I am excited to see everyone especially after having the chemo and double mastectomy want to be surrounded by lots of love and positive energy. As I was writing my snail mail and sending out the flyers about my up coming Benefit I noticed that there is a lot of people I know in California. I just hope to see everyone if I can sure going to give it a shot. I might even get up to Folsom/Sacramento area to see some friends and family there we'll see how much I want to drive. I sent out flyers to my former doctor and my former employer and I asked them to possibly donate some items for the yardsale. I hope they do, it will help a lot. Who knows maybe they'll even come see me at the fundraiser that would be so awesome. Hey anything is possible! Well I hope it will be cozy at my mom's house when we come and stay. She bought us a new bed to sleep on and we are going to have our own room Yay! That will be really nice. Randy moved out into the garage he made it into a man cave..LOL Mom is working on the room for us to stay in. She says it's a chore because Randy has so much stuff, but they will get it done by the time we get there. It will work out I am sure. I call my mom just about every day to see how she is doing and also I want someone to talk to especially now with the cancer scare like to talk more than ever. You know when I get feeling kind of bad like not feeling good like pain or just feel crappy I get bummed out and get the blues and I sometimes feel like crying but I don't. Then something perks me back up and I am good to go again. This happened at a birthday party we went to last Friday night. I noticed a lot of people didn't even make eye contact with me or introduce themself to me. I didn't wear a wig so my bald head was blinding them..haha then I just felt bad and just sat on the chair yeah probably feeling sorry for myself to some degree, but I called my mom and felt better about things. I guess it's to be expected to feel the blues and just think geez it sucks that I got cancer. I haven't cried over my boobs being gone you know they were kind of too big anyway might of well let them go and take the weight off my chest. I know I use that a lot don't I? Well it's true they were very big and just a pain in the breast area not to mention the back too. Oh I fogot to say I got one of my drains taken out on Thursday. That is good news. I get the other one taken out on Tuesday. It will be very nice don't have to measure the fluid coming out of the Jackson Pratts. And won't have to carrying them around every where. It will be such a relief off my chest. Well I have been making my journals for the yardsale going to sell them for $5.00 dollars and for everyone one I sell I make one for the cancer care center here in Idaho. I want to give back to other women who are fighting for their lives. I think having a journal would be a nice touch of happiness. I am big on journal writing duh I like to blog that is like a journal. I think it helps me cope with all that is going on with the cancer and other things. I love writing so it keeps me going towards the positive. That is what I need right now is being very positive. So grateful I am NOT in a depression I couldn't handle that and having cancer too. That would be truly the pits. So I am very proud of myself for keeping my spirits up and thinking positive throughout this whole ordeal. My journey. It's going and it's going to get better. Good news my hair is coming back in. I am loving it too. Also the silver lining is that I believe all my hair is coming back even in the back. Years ago having the radiation treatments it made my hair not come back in, but this time I think it is, wow! I can have a full head of hair that would be so nice. Well I'll keep reporting about the new hair growth it will be nice if more comes out for when I make it to Cali I am sure a whole lot more will be coming out by then. I went and bought me some shampoo that helps with thinning hair I am hoping it works well. We'll soon see. Well it's just about past my bedtime. I think I will close for now and write more later~ Thank you! net