Round 2 of Chemo

Hi! Well I am up at 12:51 am just can't sleep probably due to having the steriods. The possiblity of the side effects of the chemo. I feel fine right now so I thought I better write in my blog this morning before the hard day comes soon. When I mean a hard day it's like an uncomfortable feeling like my head is in a vice and I feel confused like a bad trip on some drugs and it's not a high feeling either. Darn! well anyway also a part of me is very tired, but hard to sleep as well. So it's just strange the way I feel. I hope this explains it to some degree. I want to show you not tell you isn't that what I writer does? I wish I could really show you how it feels to be under the rath of chemo. I may find my words sometime for you. Bare with me. Well I got some great advice from my doctor today he wants me to take at least 2000 mgs of Vitamin D it helps my immune system and I am low in potassium so need to take some of that as well. I need to drink as much water or any type of drink that is good for me and drink at least 48 hours after chemo. So this is good for me to be doing while the effects of chemo happens. Like I said I am going to try a lot of different things this time around like not lie down as often get up and walk, make my own dinners, do more around the house and hopefully it helps with the fatigue. Well I sure don't have it now just feel wide awake right now. I think this happen to me before as well. I am going with it and just letting it happen because I want to write in my blog. It's also nice to have the peace and quiet, well some quiet the dish washer is going right now, but at least everyone is sleeping soundly. Well I got some great support today at treatment. I first talked to my counselor Lesa we cried, laughed, and cried some more. We did a lot of talking about every thing from finances, kids, husband and yes dying. Well my mother-in-law got me started on that one. When I was in the ER on Sunday she was saying how only God knows when it's are time up. I really didn't like hearing it made me feel strange, but it's true, but I am going to beat this with all my heart and fight like a girl. Well dying is in the back of my head I guess that goes with any type of cancer scare. My husband Mark was there. Lindsey my wig stylist was there and we had such a fun time choosing wigs. I got a reddish one and a beautiful bruette with highlights and it's shoulder length my hubby loves it and I got a short one for when it gets hot outside. We'll see if that will happen anytime soon. Yeah I got all brand new wigs for free that is so nice of Lindsey helping me out like that. I'll have them up on my video diary soon. Have a wig show..LOL I also had a nice lady from Angel care come visit me her name is Elaine we had a great talk for about an hour or so she is also a breast cancer survivor for 12 years now. She was such a joy to talk to. It's great to have such support during this time. I am totally relishing in the positive thoughts and prayers during this time. Thank you all for your support. So it was a great day with all the support I got. Next month I will have my next treatment the day after my birthday February 20th. The good thing is my friend Rosa will be here. Feel so blessed to have such a great friend in her. I told her now that I got my wigs we can go find a fun bar on my birthday and have a party. It will be a Tuesday night, but we'll get the party rocking..LOL So looking forward to my time with Rosa it will be so great. The kids are excited for her to be here as well. I am glad I will be feeling good for at least five days she is here so that is a good thing. Rosa plans to make me an ice cream cake that sounds so yummy can't wait the kids will love it as well. Okay so it's time for me to try and get some more sleep. I'll write more later~ net

Bald is Beautiful!!

Hi! Well I did it I shaved my head, well actually a lady named Barbara did. She is from my support group and does hair for a living. I was fine with it today was actually glad that my old hair is off feels good. My hair was so stringy and thin it looked bad. I think I look better bald. I was concerned on how the kids would take it, but they did pretty well I was impressed. At first Connor didn't want to see me, but he was giggling when he turned his head. He looked and said wow mom it's a nice buzz cut. My daughter seemed to be okay with it, she didn't say anything about the bald head though. I did tell them if they needed to talk about it just let me know and we'll talk about my bald head. The bad thing though was when I was getting my hair done my back started to hurt really bad. I think it's the bone marrow shot. Man did it hurt BAD!! It was hard to drive home too. I came home and just laid on the bed moaning in pain. It got better about an hour later. I should have taken one of my pain killers, but I didn't. I feel for people who have bad backs. I think what I'll do next time is take my pain killers as soon as I feel the little ache and hopefully it won't get so bad like it did today it felt like a ten on the scale of pain...ten being the worst. Boy I am not looking forward to the next round of chemo or that bone marrow shot. I'll stock up on my pain killers for sure. I wonder if I should get some marijana too? I could ask my doctor for some. He seems pretty hip on things like that, wouldn't hurt to ask. If I did get some I probably shouldn't smoke it around the kids just smoke it when they are at school or something like that. I couldn't bake brownies because they would want some so that is out. Maybe I'll just stick to my pain killers. I am looking forward to the acupucture on Monday that may help my back too. Well I haven't much felt like doing housework lately, but it's still clean around the house, but it takes a lot of effort to do the cleaning. I think sometimes I spend too long on Facebook chatting. I also do my blog too. I have to keep up on the coping skills and housework isn't one of them..LOL I am keeping up with writing in my journal as well. I still write snail mail letters to my friends so that keeps me busy too. I love getting mail, but people don't seem to write letters as much any more, but I am not complaining I love writing still so I do it because I love it. I really like keeping in touch lately. I find myself calling people more now these days probably because of the cancer. Maybe part of me is a little lonely and don't want to be alone during this time. I am reaching out more this time it seems. I find myself just calling anyone on my contact list and hoping people will call me too or text me. I am thinking about doing some scrapbooking again keep me busy. I took a semester off from College because of the chemo so don't have that to occupy my time. I really need to do that scrapbooking again it's a lot of fun and Lord knows that I am behind with the kid's books. Now to just get organized with all my scrapbooking stuff that could take up some time for me..LOL A lot to do when it comes to organization around here. Okay I shouldn't say that mostly just my stuff. Mark is pretty organized so that is good. Oh as for Mark and my new look he seems to be okay with it too I guess he has to be, but he does want me to have a certain type of wig pretty much a long one. What is it with guys and long hair? They love it! Well I think I'll close for now my back seems to be hurting again. I better get those pain killers started and hit the bed. More later~ Net

5:30 am post

Hi! I woke up early this morning about 5:30 am probably because I fell asleep about 8pm last night. Yeah I was tired from staying up the night before chatting online on Facebook. Yeah I am a chatter love to talk to friends. It seems more so lately though. I am calling anyone that will listen to me it seems these days. I notice that it's hard for me to be alone during the school days for the kids. I just want to talk to someone it seems. Don't get me wrong when the kids are at school it's nice to have the quiet time sometimes I take a nap or write in my journal, but for some reason lately I am finding people who I can call or chat with online. I am not sure where that is coming from, but maybe I am reaching out to talk it out about the cancer, treatments and just how things are going. Now it's about my hair falling out. Yeah it does bother me to some extent just like what a bummer losing my hair. I don't think I'll cry over it though shoot my hair is so thin now it might be nice it's going to be shaved off. I tell you though I am going to get a nice wig that is for sure. Can't wait to see some of them. I hope they have the wig that my husband wants me to have. A brown shoulder length straight wig. The gal who finds wigs for me Lindsey she said she'll look at all types and bring into me on Wednesday during the chemo. She also will fit my head as well. Today is the day though I am going to shave me head yeah this afternoon. I have a gal in my support group that cuts hair for a living and she said when it came time she would do my hair for free. Isn't that nice? I like free!! Well we'll see how it goes with the kids how it will effect them if any thing. I hope they will be okay with it. I asked if they want to come with me when the gal shaves it, but Connor doesn't seem he wants to go, but Brenna is okay with coming to watch. I want them to be involved with the whole process so they know what is going on. I think that climb will help them that is coming up soon. The program just for kids it teaches them how to deal with anger, sadness, hurt, happiness and all kids of emotions. It teaches them about the cancer and they take tours of the cancer rooms so they won't be afraid. I just can't wait until they start the class it will be so good for them. It last six weeks so that is something they can look forward to every week. It will give Mark and I some time to be alone every week as well. We can go hang out at Starbucks drink some coffee and talk or Mark can do some of his homework. The program for the kids offers them dinner as well so that is neat. Maybe Mark and I can go out to dinner once in a while too. Well last night Brenna was able to sleep over at Molly's house, but every time I tried to live she came running out crying. So after 3 times of doing that I said lets go. I felt bad for Molly, but Brenna has some sparation anxiety for letting me go. It could be that she knows I am not feeling well. She does this at school as well. I feel for her, but I told her she is a brave little girl she can do it. Mommy's little girl. One day she'll be over that and then I'll be sad that she doesn't need her mom much, so going to take all the loves I can now. I love my kids so much, but they do need to do things on their own once in a while. They will I am not going to rush it. Geez I can't believe I woke up early today darn it would have loved to sleep in today. Well that is what I get when I fell asleep on the couch at 8 pm. Mark was waking me up to go to bed and I was saying, but I want to sleep he said you need to go to bed. This went on for about a few minutes and then he told me, but you need your bi-pap machine. I got right up and went to bed didn't even brush my teeth that how tired I was. Boy did it feel good to go to sleep. Well I got ahold of the Moose lodge yesterday they called me. They for some reason want to talk to my aunt first so we'll see if anything comes of that. I was just wanting to set a date to have the fundraiser, but they want to talk to Sharon first. I told them I didn't want to impose on my aunt right now Sharon could be busy with other things right now, but they wanted to. I hope they call me this morning and we can set those dates in May. My friends have been giving me ideas on what types of fundraiser we could do. We'll figure it out. Barbara has been getting back to me that is nice she really wants to get this thing off the ground. It's so nice to have people to help you. Rosa is stepping up to the plate as well going to help too. I feel blessed to have such great friends. It will be such a great feeling to be surrounded by friends and family when I come to town in May. Looking forward to it so much. I wrote some old friends and they said they are going to join me for the party. I'll call it a party instead of a fundraiser. The reason is because it's going to be a celebration of no more chemo! Sure can't wait for that day! Well my husband is doing better he isn't feeling so sick these days yeah he had a cold. He also had some anger he has a lot going on with him. His wife is ill and bills are rolling in he has a hard time keeping it all together sometimes we all do. He has a lot on his plate poor guy. Well I hope he knows I'll do all I can to help him. I've called some of the business where my bills are from and got to make payments so that will help some. Sure do hate having them over our heads though. I do hope the fundraiser will help us because it would be nice to get rid of all the bills haunting us. It will work out okay. Well I am going to close for now I hope all have a great weekend! More later~

Fundraiser

Hi! Well today is the day a lot of my hair came out at once. So it's time to get my hair cut...shaved actually. Yeah going to shave my head because it's going to come out in clumps pretty soon since I have three more treatments. I am not too worried about the hair loss, but I do think about how it's going to effect my kids. They might not like mommy bald too much. Well maybe they'll like to rub my head when it's bald..LOL Another good thing about being bald is that I save a lot on hair products. I can't wait to get a nice wig soon. My husband saw a picture of me years ago and told me he wouldn't mind a wig like in the picture. My hair was shoulder length and straight it looked really nice then. Of course I just had a baby and all those hormones really made my hair look awesome. I hope my social worker can find a wig like that it sure would make me feel really good and my husband happy as well. Got to make the hubby happy too..;-) Well other than that I am doing pretty good feel a little normal feel better. I have a lot of energy as well, but still don't want to clean the house. Housework boo! I do a little bit everyday so it's not too bad and I get the kids on their rooms as well. I made my video diary the other night, but still have to download it to YouTube. When I watched it back you can tell that I am slow and look really tired. It could be because I have a different camera, but it just seems like I am in slow motion mentally due to the chemo I bet. Goes with the territory I suppose. So I'll get that up as soon as possible. I do plan to video my head shaving too. I asked my husband if he wanted to shave my head or if he wants me to get someone else to do it. He wasn't sure so I got this lady to do it for free she is in my support group. She cuts hair for a living. It works out great she doesn't charge anything for it. That helps out a lot. Well I am making the plans for the fundraiser in May making calls and trying to get it organized. I am not doing it myself I have help my friend Rosa is going to help me as well as Barbara so that is great. I sure hope a lot of Facebook friends will help me out it would be so nice to see my friends. It will be a celebration of finishing chemo too. You know how I love a party!! I am hoping my kids and husband could make it too. I want them to see how wonderful a community can come together for someone. That just gave me an idea. I just called the Chamber of Commerce in my hometown to see if they can help me with community support. It really helps me be positive when I think about the future sure I know live in the present, but it helps to have something to look forward to and seeing all my friends and family makes me happy. I sure am looking forward to my friend Rosa coming to see me. I believe I'll be in treatment during her stay so that will help me a lot. The kids are looking forward to Rosa coming too. They are like their mama they love friends. I do wish my mom can make it, but she is in a wheel chair right now she got hurt from her chiropractor and she can't walk now. He did something to her knee. So no traveling for her right now. Maybe she can make it for my last treatment in March. I just hope it goes as plan because if for one reason my white blood cells are too low then they can't do the chemo and that will put it out further. Let's hope that all will be okay on that. I just want to get it over with and done with. So come on white blood cells do your thing. I think the bone morrow shot will help that so it should be okay. Well the kids had a snow day today again the weather is crazy here in Idaho. BRRR Going to get the kids to do some homework now so I'll close. More later~ Net

Friends

Hi! Well I've had two really good days mentally and physically. I had more energy and felt like my old self again. I woke today at 7 am and made the kids breakfast then took them to school Boy was it a COLD ONE!! BRRRRRr I didn't even go back to bed and sleep...Yay me!!LOL That is pretty good for me. My husband stayed home from work today wasn't feeling good. I went to my chiropractor's appointment felt great to get adjusted. I heard it helps wonders for when you are in chemo therapy. Next week I am going to acupuncture I heard that helps a lot for chemo therapy as well. I've been to acupuncture before for neck pain and depression and it seemed to help me a lot. I am a sensitive person and it really works on me. I get really sleepy with it. I am looking forward to it next week. My second round of chemo is next Wednesday never be ready for that, but I'll keep a stiff upper lip and fight. Did I tell you I am going to do things differently this next time going to try and walk more and drink lots of water or something to keep me hydrated. I got a call from a gal from Angel care and she also had breast cancer and had all the treatments as well she said after a while she could not drink water she drank lemonade. I am thinking about buying the stuff at Costco that Fizz Up I think it's called. It has a lot of good stuff in it that might be better than just water for me. I'll ask my doctor about it or the nurse. Yeah I am going to do something different this next go around. Going to try and stay yuck free. ;-) Well you know I was thinking about doing that fundraiser well asking my aunt to do it for me, but she hasn't wrote me back about it yet. So I contacted a gal from High School and she is all for helping me get it off the ground that is so cool. She said she would be honored to help me. We can have it at a club in my hometown. That would be so awesome. We can really do a lot of fun things for the fundraiser I am excited about it. It's more like a big party than anything. I mean the funds would be so great help with all my medical bills that are rolling in little by little...Boo!! Anything would be so grateful right about now it's tough on my husband at this time, I feel for him. He is doing all he can to keep us a float, but the stress is wearing on him and me. Things will work out we got each other and that is all that matters right?! I've been so bad lately haven't done my video diary I know so bad it's a bummer when the camera breaks, but I can get it done and I should. I could be helping another person out there who is going through the same thing so I need to step it up. Oh I made a few phone calls today one to Cancer Care. I asked for some financial assistance and I am going to get $200 dollars from the Triple Negitive fund so that will help a lot. I also called Susan G. Komen foundation and they gave me more phone numbers to other agencies that help with financial assistance. My nurse navigator has an email out to a gal that helps with this type of burden when it comes to paying for bills. She also set me up with a gal from Angel Care who also went through breast cancer at the age of 45 it was nice to talk with her today. I get to meet her next week during the chemo appointment. She said she has a Komen bag for me that has some goodies in it. That is nice I love all the support I am getting these days from so many people. It will be nice to have more people there for me during treatment because it's not fun sitting there alone watching the medicine go in the IV. It's nice to talk to people. My husband is with me most of the time, but he probably feels like he should be at work. So this new support gal Lenae wants to help drive me to treatments. I thought that might help Mark not miss any work he is fine with it no matter what. It's not that I don't want him there just thought he would like to get things done at work. We'll see how it goes the next ones. I believe Rosa can take me on my third chemo treatment so that is good. It's going to be so nice her being here soon. It will be nice to be spoiled and have the help when I am not feeling well. Got to love those friends out there. Rosa is a true friend let me tell you. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and when I was very depressed she was the only one that took me out on the town and said we're going to have some fun. She is a special lady so happy she is in my life. Another good friend is Liz she calls or text me everyday to see how I am doing so sweet of her. I know she would be here too if she could be, soon after treatment I am going to see all my wonderful friends in California can't wait!! Another good person is Barbara who wants to get that fundraiser going for me. I am excited that she wants to help with it. I can't wait to talk the plans out with her. She has some good ideas too. I was thinking maybe have a yard sale, and have Karaoke that would be a lot of fun. I could get up and sing songs and people can give me tips..LOL that would be funny. I might get a few tomatoes in the face..LOL I really like looking into the future at times it keeps me positive and makes me happy to have something to look forward too, besides the down side of chemo. I know one is suppose to live in the present which I do, but getting this fundraiser off the ground makes me excited about the future. I just want to celebrate no more chemo man I can't wait for that day! When I am on my way to Cali that will be so cool. Then I'll know it's over, time to Parta people!! Mark and I talked about the mastectomy this evening. The pros are looking towards having it done. I still have time to think about it, but to tell you the truth I think I've made up my mind. I want to prolong my life and I think that would help me so much. I can wear the fake breast for a year and then get reconstuctive surgery. Man it's a lot to think about isn't it? I have to have those ovaries out as well. Okay one thing at a time right now and that is getting through this chemo. Well now it should be bedtime it's 12 midnight should be in bed, but wanted to have the quiet time for myself. I will turn in now and write more later~ Net

Bad day

Hi! Wow it sure was a bad day for my husband today. You would think that he is in the anger stage of cancer. He was in a very bad mood. Well for one thing he isn't feeling very good has a cold, then he didn't get any bacon this morning the kids ate it all. Then microsoft was not letting him get his certificate. He was all out of sorts today. It made me feel bad because I wasn't feeling all that great either. I picked myself up and went to the store for Mark and got some milk and something for dinner. It felt good to go some where today even if it was just to the store. I told the lady at the check out stand that I am going through chemo now. She was so sweet and said she'll say a prayer for me. She asked me my first name. Said "God Bless You." She sometimes think when people get cancer it's a way for them to get closer to God. You know maybe I am suppose to get closer to God as well read the Bible more and pray more. I do find myself praying more for my family, friends, the kids and Mark. I sometimes pray for myself, but that is my last prayer at night and I sometimes forget to pray for myself. Well this isn't what I was going to chat about tonight in my blog it was going to be about how I am feeling mentally. I have been thinking about what all has to be done for myself in order to prolong my life. I have to have the hysterectomy to make sure my ovaries come out. I am also thinking about a bilateral mastectomy too. You see it's 80% chance for me to get breast cancer again if I don't have the mastectomy. That is a huge percentage. I tell you I surely don't want chemo again. Shoot I don't even want to have chemo three more times. Darn it! Well if I can just see the light at the end of the tunnel that will be awesome. I decided to possibly go to my hometown once chemo is over with just to have a celebration. Well I was writing in my journal about how the medical bills are piling in on me and thought maybe my aunt Sharon can throw me a fundraiser of some kind to help with my expenses with my bills. It would be in April when I would be able to make it out to California. I believe I would feel a lot better by then. Hopefully my last chemo is in March if everything goes as planned. Then heal for a few weeks head to Cali see all my family and friends and celebrate the end of chemo. Okay I just wrote a high school friend and she is a nice gal Barbara, she may help with the fundraiser I asked her because she likes to get involved with class reunions, she has a great personality and is good with people. She would be such a great help. I look forward to hearing from her. It would really be nice to have this fundraiser to help us out with all my bills it's getting out of hand the little ones add up fast, then there are some over $200 hundred dollars as well. I hate to say this, but I haven't even showed all of them to Mark don't want him to worry. It would just stress him out bigtime. I am hoping the financial assistance come in from the hospital soon. I also going to go to Cancer Care for some assistance as well. It's worth a try have to pay those bills. I will have to make a decision soon after the chemo treatments because I am suppose to have radiation, if I don't get the mastectomy then I have to have the radiation. Now I have had radiation before and I rather not have that either. So I have some thinking to do. I am leaning more to have the mastectomy there are a lot of pros to having it done. I've been talking to Mark about it as well and he thinks that I can have the reconstruction done within a year. It would be nice to be able to have less breast sometimes and maybe a size C or D cup. I am right now a Triple D, yeah that is pretty large. I will have to way out the pros and cons on this and talk a plastic surgeon about the reconstruction. I wish I was at that stage now because I sure hate the chemo stage. I still don't like the thought of getting the chemo because of all the side effects it produces. I hope I don't become worse with the more I have. Did I tell you that I am going to try something different next time? I am going to walk more and get more fresh air this next go around. Yeah I think I laid down too much and rested when I needed to be up and about, it's hard when you feel so blah though. Have I said how uncomfortable chemo is? It's like this weird feeling like a bad trip on drugs, but not a high feeling it's more of a dull ache feeling. I didn't get the nausea glad of that but took some of my nausea meds just in case a few times. I also took some pain meds as well because the bone morrow shot that produces my white blood count makes the bones ache so for sure had to take some pain meds it wasn't pleasant to get to that pain even my chest hurt and hips too. I now know even after five days after the bone morrow shot the bones ache. I am sure glad I have three weeks until the next one. I feel for anyone that has chemo every week. That must be so tough for anyone to go through. Man I hope my husband feels better he still is out of sorts kind of a bummer him like this. He has a lot of stress going on right now so I'll give him that. Poor guy. One good thing we may have our house for rent up at our old town. Gosh I hope it works out we sure could use some good news that is for sure. The funds would be nice too. Oh good news my friend Rosa is flying out to be with me my third treatment. She said "I am going to spoil you we just won't tell your doctor." Yeah my doctor is a tough one doesn't want anyone bringing me dinner in bed. The good thing when Rosa is here we can go on walks together. It's been real cold here don't feel like walking outside these days it's like 1 degree today. Brrrr I have the treadmill up in the living room so I get on that a few times a day, but need fresh air once in a while. I am so glad Rosa is coming out makes me feel good I have support what a good friend she is. She is happy to come out too she said. Now to get my mom out here to see me would be nice, but she has her own problems right now. I don't think she will be here for the treatments so glad there is only three more. I think that is all I can handle. It was going to be a total of six treatments, but for some reason only four. Yahoo!! Oh good news the 49er's are going to the Super Bowl. My husband's team didn't win today the Patriots bummer for him, but good for me. Maybe he'll root for my team now. I guess it's a good thing my husband doesn't read my blog. I wanted to the patriots to win as well, but it would have been interesting Super bowl if they would have won. Split down the middle. If they both got in there I would have liked either team winning that is the way I roll, but now with the 49er's winning Go TEAM!! It's kind of fun having a team to look up to and watch. Maybe we can have a Super Bowl party here. Hey that is a good idea, but hmmmm I am not sure I will be up to it I have my second round of chemo on the 30th of January and the Super Bowl is on the 3rd of February. Yeah not so sure I'll feel up to having any people over. We can have one though the kids and I, Mark too. I can relax on the couch and root for my team. We'll see how I'll feel. Well I think I better start thinking about getting my hair cut soon. My hair might be falling out soon. I keep forgetting about that part. I wonder if I'll wear much make-up if I am bald I do hope I like to use that new make-up I haven't since that night of the make-up class. Sad huh? Oh wait I have used the lip gloss. I just don't have it in me. I can't wait to get a nice wig mark told me what wig he would like me to have. He showed me a picture of me with a cute hair do and he wants me to have that kind of wig it's a straight shoulder length hair cut. I hope I can find that wig it would be great. I am going to call the lady who finds wigs for me this coming up week. See if we can go shopping soon for a wig. The good thing it's cold here so a wig is going to be warm and feel good when I go outside. Right now I wear a hat when I go out, but I still have my hair right now. I just like to wear a hat because it's so cold. Mark made my scarf and hat for me and I got a compliment on them the other day. Yeah I have a husband that likes to do all kinds of hobbies, and he is great to have around the house he likes to fix things. So yep he is good to have around the house. I love that he can fix our computer too. He is so smart so proud of him, but feel bad he had a bad day today. Hopefully he will feel better tomorrow. I just hope I feel good too. I was telling you about how I was feeling mentally lately and like I said I have been thinking about the prolonging of my life. I wonder if it's got me down a little bit, because lately all I want to do is just lie on the couch and if I sleep all the more better. Am I trying to go into myself and just sleep to get away from the mental stuff? It also could be the chemo too because I feel that druged out feeling sometimes even now a week later. I just feel that uncomfortable feeling still. It's so hard for me to start anything, but when I do I feel much better. Just writing this has made me feel some what better. I have to admit though boy when I am down for the count I don't even like to write on Facebook or my blog, but that is the times I should keep going and thinking positive. I haven't done my video blog either (camera broke) I still can do it I do have a video camera, but I got to tell you when you feel yuck it's not easy, but that is just it I have to keep going to show people that you can get through it and it will be okay. So I think tonight I am going to do my video entry and work on putting it up on YouTube tomorrow morning. Well now that I wrote a novel I think I'll close for now. Thanks for reading my blog. More later~

Round one of Chemo

Hi All, well I felt the effects of the chemo it wasn't a fun time, but I got through it. It's hard to explain how I felt it wasn't like the flu just uncomfortable achy bones and just felt like I had some not so good drugs. I sure hope it works for me to have this chemo. I sometimes think what if I really don't need it. I wish I didn't that would be so nice. So anyway I didn't have any nausea so that was good, just really tired and felt like I had to lie down a lot. I called the doctor because I was having confusion and numbness of my hands and he told me no one was suppose to bring me dinner in bed. I had to get up and make my own food. I did too, but it was tough at times though. So the third day is the hardest for me just want to rest and just lie down and I did too. I was surprised on the forth day I woke up early and made pancakes for Brenna and her friend Molly. I made about 20 pancakes no the girls didn't eat all of them..LOL I think my doctor would have been proud of me cooking those pancakes. I was getting up and doing something. I think I even did some walking on the treadmill for a few minutes. I think I laid on the couch for a little while on Sunday afternoon just rested. Monday was okay just felt tired and Tuesday was a hard day got all achy from that bone morrow shot that helps with my white blood cells to produce more. It makes your bones ache. So I took a vicodin and felt better. Boy did I have a strange dream though. It could be made into a movie. The world was in bad shape and I was trying to find out how to fix the world and had to find people who weren't all messed in the brain. It was strange hard to explain it, but I should try and work on some kind of screenplay for it, it would be a good movie..LOL So I woke up today feeling much better so glad for that. Got the kids ready for school it was 3 degrees outside. Mark told me to make sure I warm up the car first which I did. Got the kids to school worked out well. I came home thought I would stay up, but around 9 I went to take a nap felt great too. Woke up about 12:40 pm yeah I slept long. I got ready and went to the store and bought some food for dinner and then went to pick up my children from school. It was still cold outside, but I keep warm mark bought me a very warm coat at Wal-mart so it's a very nice coat. I am so glad he bought me it. He did good..;-) Well I have a feud with the neighbors she doesn't like my dog barking which is understood, but she needs to relax because I keep my dog in most of the time. When we went to California a few months ago we left Bailey outside and she barked most of the time. So it made waves with this neighbor. I told her that I went to California and Bailey was left outside all the time, but didn't know she would bark all night. Well I came home and had a nasty note from the neighbor. It wasn't a nice note at all. So she is after us now about my dog. She came over the other day and I wasn't feeling well at all. I told her to call the police do what she has to do because my dog stays in most of the time. I hear more dogs barking than my dog. This woman is just miserable person and just getting on my back. Mark had a talk with the husband and he went off on Mark saying f this and f that. mark said that was uncalled for. Mark all he said was if he wants to talk to anyone about the dog issue they had to come talk to mark. Mark doesn't want me to have to deal with it. I hate having neighbors that suck. I miss our old place neighbors weren't that close around us. We'll just have to deal with it right now. Well I hope everyone is having a good New Year! My kids are doing well and so is Mark they are taking good care of me. I am so glad I have them in my life they mean the world to me. The kids start the program Climb soon looking forward for them to do that. It's a support group just for kids. I think the kids we'll get a kick out of it. It starts soon in February. I tease Mark saying that we get to have date night every week. Love it!! Mark and I can go sit down at the Starbucks and have a mocha and use the IPads. We'll think of something to do every week. Looking forward to it for the kids. Well more later~

3:40 am post

Hi All, Well I am up at 3:40 am now probably from the effects of the chemo I had yesterday. Yep I did it and I didn't cry like I thought I would. I was being strong and feeling pretty good. I am proud of myself. I actually felt fine afterwards as well. My husband and I went to Costco afterwards and we walked around the store for awhile and I didn't feel bad at all. I had to wait for my prescriptions so we went and looked around it was fun love Costco. The neat surprise I got a call from one of my former co-workers Marty. You see I called her the other day at work in Redding Ca. And she called me back. She is good people she read a poem at my wedding and boy did I cry when she read it too. So her and I go way back. Just love her. She had gastric bypass surgery 12 years ago and is a size 10..Lucky girl. Gosh one day I would love to be that size have to work on it. I don't want the by pass surgery so going to work on myself after the treatments. So that was a fun call from her. So as for the chemo it went pretty well I got some great news the doctor talked to Mark and I and he said I only needed four treatments of chemo instead of six. I was so happy he made my day bigtime! Well one is down and three more to go now. I can do this so excited now for that. The nurses were very helpful to me during the process yesterday. The only thing is I couldn't video tape in the infusion room since there were other people there so you know the hippa law so understood. So I'll try to get a video up and running soon. So first what they did was do a blood draw to see how my white count is doing, it was high because of the steroids so that is okay they said. So I went back to the infusion room and they started off with some nausea medicine. I got a lot of it too. A whole bag full, then after that was finished then the chemo drugs started. I had the first one and it took an hour for that one and all was okay didn't feel anything at all. I made a lot of phone calls during the process and that was good to talk to my friends and my mom. Mark had to go get tires on my car snow tires that is. He was worried about me driving in the snow without them. So that was understood. So he was back for the second treatment of the chemo and that is the one I had to watch my blood pressure on. It went very well my blood pressure was just right and I loved it. It was like 115/70 so that was really good. They took it a couple of times so that was great. So after the last treatment that took another hour she flushed out my port and I was sent home that was it. Now the waiting game to see if I get real tired and a little ill. They said like the third day is when I will feel a little icky so we'll see. Oh my nurse naviagtor came in about 1:30 pm and sat with Mark and I. She is a great support system so kind and caring. She brought me a little gift a journal I loved it. So we talked for a while too. Oh yeah and I talked with my counselor Lesa in the morning before treatment it went very well too. She wanted me to think about Hawaii because I've been there years ago. She said when those bad thougths come in think about my favorite time in Hawaii. And she told me to deep breathe four times deep. She gave me some good pointers, tools to work with when those bad feelings come in or some anxeity happens. I felt as if I was back in Hawaii too. One of my favorite times in Hawaii was when Mark, Connor (9 months) and I woke up about 5 am and got up and open the sliding glass door it was so warm outside it was so wonderful that breeze of the warm air. So we got all dressed and walked down to the beach and took pictures at 6 am it was so fantasic. That is the most favorite time for me with my family. I just totally loved it. Mark did too and little Connor got a kick out of the sand on his toes. Another time in Hawaii was a fun time we went to this park near the beach and I was lying down and I was looking up at the palm trees and I took many pictures of them. Mark went snorkling for a bit came back with some seashells. I went out too, but I was more afraid of a shark so I got a few seashells and came back to relax. What a great day together. Yeah it feels like I am right back there enjoying my wonderful vacation. I want to go back one day and take Brenna I think her and Connor would appreciate it so much. That is one of our goals to go back. My first goal is to go on that cruise with my girl friends here soon. After treatment going to go on a Baja cruise together. It would be such a blast! I am rounding up some friends Liz, Rosa, Nellie and Kelly so we'll see if we all can do it together. What a special time that would be for us. I would get a kick out of it so much being with my peeps. LOVE IT!! I like this thinking about the future to some degree instead of that feeling of being stuck just about cancer. I want to think beyond treatments and surgeries. Be well and live a good life with my loving family. It feels good to be thinking ahead a bit. I know think in the present that is a given I do very much too, but like to think beyond treatments and I will get through them. I just have to I have more life to live and like I said before I have children to raise, people to see and places to go. I am there!! Like my friend Ron said I got this made now with the three treatments coming up. YAHOO!! Is totally right. So So happy about that. I am going to savory this feeling right now. Well I called my friend John the other day and he is doing some what better with the depression and we had a good talk he didn't just talk about himself so that was an improvment we talked about all types of things and that is great. He said he'll pray for me and I'll pray for him as well. I am glad to have all these people in my life it such a great support system. LOVE IT!! So I can go to my support group tomorrow if I want to thinking it over some, we'll see how I'll feel tomorrow well today. I might give it another chance. I can tell them I went through my first chemo treatment and listen to others talk about their lives. So we'll see how I feel about that. If I don't get any sleep I'll be not so good in the day tomorrow. Maybe I should go back to bed now. Or do my video diary now. Huh yeah maybe I will. Okay well I hope all is having a great day. Talk to you more later~ net

Proud mom!

Hello, Well it's about 10:30 pm and I am getting ready to take my 12 hour dose of steroids before tomorrow's chemo. I am a little nervous about it. I am going to stay strong and know I can get through it. I just have to for myself and my loving family. I think I told you this before what bothers me most about chemo is all the harsh side effects. I can handle losing my hair that is fine with me since I did it before in 1996 from full-body radiation treatment. I just don't want the bad side effects like sores in the mouth, trouble breathing, you name it I don't want it. I haven't felt like crying well I did have some tears when watching Parenthood tonight a teenage boy was crying it made me tear up a bit. I am more just a little jumpy it could be all the steroids and the coffee I drank today. My nurse told me that I might not sleep well tonight because of the steroids, but I think I will be okay sleeping. I'll take my nite time medication and I should be fine with sleep. I also wear a bi-pap machine oh shoot I need to bring that tomorrow for the treatment. My nurse says they may give me something to calm my nerves and it might make me sleepy so if I sleep need my bi-pap machine. Good thinking on my part. I love my machine it works so good. It's a shame I just get going good on my bi-pap machine and then I get cancer what a huge bummer. My life was changing ever since getting my machine I had a new outlook on life and oxygen was getting to my brain so man I felt so good. Then boom breast cancer happen. Well this is a bump in the road so have to deal and get on with life. And speaking of getting on with life my friend Liz also wants to come on the cruise with Rosa and I. Yeah Rosa thought of a 50th birthday cruise and before I even knew I had cancer I told Rosa we have to do it now. I am not going to wait four years for a awesome fun time. I am going to try and do it this year. HOPE HOPE!!! It will give me a goal and something to look forward to. Well just wrote my friend Ron who is a travel agent and asked him to look up prices for me for a Baja cruise sometime in October or November. We got to start saving for it now. We also have to get our passports too. I have to tell the girls about that. So yeah I want to travel I want to take my husband to Ireland one day and the kids on a Disney cruise too. That would be such a blast for them. I would love it also go see the Caribbean LOVE IT!!! I can't wait to start my life once treatment and surgeries are over. I say surgeries because I am thinking about having two. Yeah you know I have the genetic gene and now I have an 80% chance of getting breast cancer again and that is in the first five years or longer. I really don't want to have it again and if that means saving myself from it I might consider the bilater mastectomy~ SIGH yeah I have to start thinking about it now because after chemo is radiation and if I have the masectomy I wouldn't have to have radiation so that is another pro in my book. I also think about having no breast because the ones I have are so big it might be nice to be smaller one day. I am not sure if I would do the reconstruction of my breast I could just have fake breast and be on my way that wouldn't bother me at least I don't think it would at this time of my life. It's really something to think about, but right now I need to fight to be okay with the chemo so I'll put that on the back burner for now about the mastectomy. Well it's now 11 pm I took my dose of steroids so far so good. I am getting a little tired too. I haven't taken my nite nite meds yet I will once I write this blog. Well I wish I could be a lot more funnier I used to be in my letters to my mom, but I guess it will come with time. Right now I have a lot on my mind and I am not as funny as I used to be. I'll get there again right now I am in serious mode. Well something neat to report and that is my son is writing in his journal. I am so so proud of him. He wrote his goals down, things to do list and reminders. That is so great I am such a proud mommy. I am big on keeping a journal, so him doing that is awesome. He told me tonight he wants to write a novel. One of my dreams too. I told him I have kept over 50 journals and one day if he reads them he might be able to write a book of my journals. He wants to read them. I told him he can anytime. I might prefer if he is a little older, but I don't have any deep dark secrets I don't think..LOL Don't we all have secrets of some kind? Well anyway I am proud of my boy and my girl too she is reading very well for a first grader. I hope she likes reading as much as her big brother does. I told them tonight they have to take care of each other and Brenna said, "but I am little mommy." I said, "but one day you'll grow-up and be a big girl." She still thinks she'll be little, I said, "You mean you'll be younger than Connor and she said "yes." I told them that they will still have each other and that is what matters. I also gave them a massage tonight and it put them to sleep right away. I told them I'll do it every night that I feel good. What you do is you just put a little pressure on their back with a flat palm and man did they love it. I learned that today with my massage therapist. It works like a charm. I loved my own massage today felt so good to be relaxed LOVED IT!! I didn't make it to my chiropractor today, but plan to when I feel good to go next week. Can't wait will feel so good to get adjusted. I found a chiropractor that has been a nurse for 40 years as well so that will help with the chemo part I bet. Oh I have to say something about last night my husband did give me a kiss after work. Yeah he came and gave me a kiss and I asked him how he was and he said busy. Shoot I already have chemo brain...damn can't blame it on that yet. When it's midnight I am going to post on Facebook that I am having Chemo today. I just want a lot of support with time around so I think I am getting it too. Everyone has been so great about it, and I thank you everyone. Well I am going to close for now I wrote a novel..LOL I wish you all well! More later~ net

Husband

Hello, well I don't think it was a great day for my husband's birthday. When I told him I needed to go to the chiropractor and get my medication he was all worried about it when he got home. He didn't even give me a kiss when he got home from work. You see we don't have snow tires on my car and he doesn't want me to drive in the snow without them. It snowed all day today and so the snow is deep. I told him I would just cancel the chiropractor's appoinment, but he said I still need to get my medicine. That is another thing I just found out how much it's going to be and it's over $200 dollars for my medicine I am suppose to take 24 hours before treatment. I haven't told Mark yet he is going to flip out. What I am going to do first is call my nurse navigator and the cancer center that I can't afford that kind of money right now. If I can't afford it there is no way I am going to be able to get treatment right now. Also I am thinking maybe the cancer center will be able to lend me a sample of what ever cost so much because there is no way I can afford $200 dollars right now. So they better come up with another plan or I'll just say screw it and not get chemo until I can afford that $200 bucks for my medicine. I just don't have the heart to tell my husband right now that might send him over the edge. He does say he is going to need a padded room one day. LOL Poor guy he needs a support group. He is positive when it comes to me though. He knows I am going to beat this so he is very supportive and I appreciate him for that. He is going to come with me and stay during the chemo process on Wednesday. I am glad he is going to be there for me. I just don't like it when he gets all bent out of shape trying to figure things out on his own. So now he isn't going to work tomorrow so he can take me to the chiropractor and get my medicine, but we aren't going to get that medicine until I figure something out about how to get it free. I just called the American Cancer Society and they have a prescription drug assistants programs. That is the ticket and I am going to use it too. If it takes me a few weeks to get the help I will take it and chemo will have to wait. I doubt if my doctor will want to wait so maybe they'll put a rush on the medicine we'll soon see tomorrow. Well I better get some sleep 6:30 am comes early so need some good ole' sleep. Thank you for reading my blog. More Later~ Net

Hello, Well I got a call from my mom today. She asked how I was and it felt great. She said there isn't a minute that goes by that she doesn't think of me. I told her the same and I told her I pray for her, Randy and my brother every night. So it was a good phone call and I was happy. Except that she has to be taken by ambulance to the hospital for an MRI because she can't walk on her leg. Shoot if I wasn't going to be getting Chemo I would probably be there for my mom right now. She needs help poor thing she is having a heck of time. Times like these I wish grams was alive so I can call and talk to her about what is going on grams conforted me a lot when I talked to her. I guess I can talk to her anyway she'll listen from Heaven. My grams would have been 83 years old on December 27, 2012. Sure do miss her tons!! Well yeah chemo is almost here on the 9th, but the good thing is I am going to be having a massage tomorrow can't wait!! I sure do love my massages. So going to have that done in the morning so I'll be ready for treatment on Wednesday. I hope it will help me. I am also going to find a chiropractor I heard that helps a lot while having chemo. It opens up the immune system that is what I am told. I also want to have acupuncture that helps too. So looking for someone who will do that as well for me. I am on hold with the insurance company now. So in the meantime I am feeling pretty good the only thing that I am doing that isn't good is eating a lot. I know soon things aren't going to taste the same to me so lately just eating things that I really love. Pretty soon food is going to taste like cardboard to me that is what I am told so might as well live it up now. I am over weight too right now so my husband was saying last night while watching the Biggest Loser that I need to start losing weight after the chemo and radiation is over with. So can't be going on any diets right now. Makes sense I will probably be living off broth, jello, pudding, soups and fruit for about four months so I might lose weight during that time. Hope I don't become too nauseated or vomit too much. We'll soon see won't we? Well rats my insurance doesn't cover acupuncture darn it. I will do it though even out of pocket if I have to. It will work out. At least the insurance covers chiropractic so that is a good thing. I haven't been to the chiropractor since we moved so it's over due bigtime. I woke up with pain in my left leg today it was burning not good. Can't wait for an adjustment!! Whoot Whoot!! Today is my husband's birthday I hope he has a good one. He has to work though. I am sure he didn't tell anyone at work it's his birthday he doesn't like a big celebration he likes it on the down low. Now me I love a huge party lots of friends and family big surprises love it! I am out going like that mark is shy. Oh I was shy at one time, but by knowing me you would never have guessed that I was shy as a child. I am out there>lol Wow I really don't have a title for this post because it's pretty random about everything. Not sure what to call it. Maybe won't have a title this time just keep it blank. Oh another thing I talked mark into putting our treadmill in the living room for me so I can start walking more. He said that is doable. I really need to walk while having chemo it keeps me strong and maybe not as sick as much. I am excited to do that again. I had the treadmill in our old house and kept walking on that too it was great. I would walk and walk on it and I think it truly helped me. I watched T.V. while walking it made me feel good. I think if the kids see me excercising it will help them as well. We all need to eat better as a family. I am going to do that too get my family to eat healthy! I bought the nurti bullet and it's great put in some spinach, berries, fruit juice and it's yummy. The kids even like it as long as I don't put too much spinach in it..LOL Gosh I love my kids so much just want them to be healthy and happy and eat well!! I'll get there. Well I guess I said enough random stuff today. I wll close for now and I hope you have a great day!! More later~ Net

Mom

Hi, I just got off the phone with my mom and felt kind of bad. Now don't get me wrong I am sorry she has been laid up for sometime now with a bum leg, but she made me sad. You see she was suppose to come see me when I had my surgery, but got bronchitis so her and my friend Rosa couldn't make it they were sick...understood. Now her leg is hurting, but what made me sad is she didn't even remember when my treatment is and it's this Wednesday. All she talked about was herself and how she feels and didn't even ask about me and what I was doing. It was all about her. She doesn't even watch my videos or read this blog. That hurts me too, but she did say she would probably cry if she watched my videos understood. Well this blog is about my feelings and how I can cope so I am sad about my mom and how it seems like when something goes on with her it's all about her troubles. I guess I am just wishing she can be here for the first treatment, but she can't it hurts me. She wasn't even there for me when I had my babies, or when I had the gall bladder operation it just hurts not having your mom there when I need her. Now I am going to have the first chemo and she won't be here. It feels like I am doing this all alone again like back in 1996 having the full-body radiation I didn't have any family members there for me during the process. Mom did come with me to San Francisco the last few days of treatment so that was nice. So it wasn't all bad, but 10 weeks fighting alone really was upsetting. I will be grateful though I have my kids, husband, friends and family this time just that they live so far away. It's the pits wish I lived closer. Well that is enough of me ranting. I just felt a little sad with the phone call from mom that is all. Just wish she could be here for me, but maybe once her leg heals she can make the trip. Rosa will be here in February my second treatment so that will be nice having help. I mostly worry about my kids being taken care of if I am not feeling well. I want them to make it to school safe and home safe. If I am not up to par I want them to be cared for also and the help will be much appreciated. Well I will close for now more later~ net

Housework? Not for me!

Hi, Wow cleaning the house takes a lot out of me. I feel kind of lazy to tell you the truth. I don't know why I do and don't feel like to clean the house. Oh don't get me wrong I love my house cleaned, but have a hard time just getting started. Once I do a little bit then I am tired. It's the pits. I decided that I want to be a better house keeper for the New Year. I am going to do something every day to keep the house up. I think that will help and if I do more hey that is great. I know this doesn't have anything to do with fighting breast cancer, but maybe it does have to fight the house work like going to fight the cancer. LOL Well you will be happy to know I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the floors. Yeah it took a lot out of me. Gosh laziness doesn't look good on me at all. I wonder if I just don't like doing house work? Yeah that is it. I want someone else to do it. Now when Mark starts cleaning I am all for it I get in the mood and I am a cleaning fool, but just me doing the cleaning it's a different story. Well now you know I am not the best house keeper. When I lived in Cambridge I had a gal clean the house for me it was great. She needed the help with funds and I needed help with the house. A win-win situation. I loved it too. One day we all took off to town now town from cambridge was about 2 hours away if you go to Boise. So when I came home the house was so cleaned it was so wonderful to have it so nice. Can you tell I miss my housekeeper? Well enough of the house work I'll get to it one room at a time. It's my New Year resolution it just has to be. I think Mark will be very happy to see the house nice when he gets off of work. Well I saw my surgeon yesterday and everything looks good the port and my breast it healed nicely. The bummer part is I have a huge decision to make he said and that is to either not do a double mastectomy or do one. You see I have that mutated gene that means I have about an 80% chance of having another breast cancer coming back. That is a lot of percentage not liking that. I have to make up my mind before having radiation and that is after chemo in April. I am not sure what I want to do. In away I think I want a double masectomy because that means don't have to worry about getting another breast cancer and I wouldn't have to do the MRI's every year. Did I mention they are very uncomfortable? I really don't want to cut off my breast either so I have time to think about it. I really don't like to make these decisions really it sucks! I believe I told you I also have to have my ovaries taken out as well. I guess it's a must in order to save my life. It's harder to detect ovarian cancer so they better come out because since the mutation gene I have a higher chance to get cancer now. It really bothers me I tell you. But like I said I am going to think positive about this and think about after all the surgeries and therapy and think yeah I can fight this. I just have to I have kids to raise, people to see and places to go. I am going to do it! I am looking forward to after treatment and it feels good to have a new mind set. I got a Christmas card from an old friend the other day, yeah didn't check my mail for a little while, but it was from a gal named Michelle and we go way back when I lived in Folsom. She is such a fun person and so upbeat and positive. I told her in my letter about what is going on with me. It will be nice to have more support and she would be just that, very good to me about all this. It was so nice to hear from her at a time like this. Thank you Michelle if you are reading this for contacting me. Your friendship means a lot to me. Well the kids are doing very well just having a good time as I write this. They are playing with the cat Callie. I love hearing them laugh so much it makes my soul so happy. I love to hear my children laughing and playing together. It looks like I am going to need to get ready for chemo soon yeah it's coming up next Wednesday...BOO!! Did you know you have to eat certain foods when having chemo. The nurses didn't tell me that I found it on breastcancer.com the best thing to eat your first treatment is pears, kewis and roasted almonds. I think I am going to live off soups and broth, fruits and not raw vegies, but cooked vegies. Oh and pudding, jello and some other gentle foods. I heard it's best not to eat what you really like on chemo because if you vomit you may not want it any more when feeling good. You know the nausea and vomiting doesn't bother me as much as all the other side effects. I think I wrote this in my last blog, but it's fever, chills, sweats, shortness of breath, diarrhea, constipation, sores in the mouth and all the other not so fun side effects. Let's keep positive about not getting those!! I talked with my nurse navigator about video taping my first chemo treatment. She said it should be okay so that is good I want to help other women. I know that my experience is mine alone and they might not have the same side effects, but just want to express myself and video tape my experience. I am finding out more and more people are watching my video diaries. So that is great it might be more fun to watch them than to read a blog. I do know people are reading my blog too so that is so nice thanks for reading my blog everyone. I appreciate the support a lot. Well it's time to get back on housework...BOO!! I really want the house cleaned before treatment and before the kids go back to school on the 7th of Jan. My husband's birthday that day too. I wish you all well and I'll write more real soon. More later~ net

Happy New Year!

Hi Everyone! I wish you a Healthy and Happy New Year this year. Mine is starting out nice going to go to the movies with my family. Not sure what we are going to see yet, but I think it's about the kid that comes from the plants and does some very neat things for this family. We rang in the New Year at home which is good for me because I could barely stay awake. We got hats and noise makers my son liked them a lot. yeah Connor stayed up that late, but sister was knocked out. It was fun then it was off to bed. I was woke up by Connor at 8 am. He just told me to wake up. Having kids changes everything. No sleep for mama. So how are you spending your New Year's day? Hung over, relaxing, still partying? What ever you do I hope it's fun and safe. Well in the back of my mind I still think of the chemo I am going to have yeah how can it not be. My nurse navigator says don't think of it right now, but it's hard not to. What I think about is the nasty side effects, but not everyone gets those it's just something to look out for. Those nasty side effects are high fever, diarrhea or constipation and among other things not too keen about. I'll keep a brave face on. Well my kids will start that program soon it's called the Climb it's for children who has a parent or grandparent that has cancer. The parents go to the first and last class, but in between the kids go alone. This will give mom and dad date night. I like that a lot! It's every week for 6 weeks. I can't wait for the kids to start it, it will be so good for them. It will be good timing because I'll be losing my hair and probably feeling tired so they will learn about what happens during chemo. Well my mother isn't going to be here for me during my first treatment. She has a bad back and is in a lot of pain right now. It's a bummer for both of us really. I really need her and she really needs to heal. I know she'll be here when she can so when she is here that will be great. My mother-in-law Betty will be here for me my first treatment and the kids. Mark will be here for me on the weekend so it should all work out just fine. I will have someone here for me and that is all I care about right now. My kids seem to be doing great just doing their thing playing and having fun. I am glad about that. I want them to not worry about mommy right now just want them to do their life and live life to the fullest. Well I've been giving a lot of thought about what things I want to do within five years. One is going on a Disney cruise with the family and other thing I want to do is go to Ireland take my husband he never has been there that is mostly for him really. He has always want to go there and I want to give him that so much. I would also like to go back to Hawaii with the children and see the looks on their faces of all the beautiful things there. They would have such a wonderful time and so would dad and I!! So the most I want to do is travel and that has to be what I do with in five years. Oh another thing I am going to do is go on a cruise with my friend Rosa and the girls. Liz too. Rosa want to do it for our 50th birthday, but I am going to do it sooner I told her because that sounds like such a blast. I would love to go with Rosa on a cruise. We could go on the Baja cruise together that would be such a blast. It would be a four day cruise that would be good enough I think. It's going to happen and I think it should happen after I get radiation done this year!! Well I might have the masectomy so not sure if I will need radiation at all. So I am still thinking about that. We'll see what my doctor's think. Well I really like to think of all the stuff I want to do within five years. In four years I'll be 50 so going to make it big for my 50th!! I hope Mark has something up his sleeve for me that year. Well my boy will be 10 years old this year can't believe it. I remember when he was just 4 lbs now he is a big boy. I love him so much he is my lovey!! My daughter will be 7 years old this year. It's hard to believe. I love my kids so much I can't even express how much in words. Of course there is my husband he is a wonderful man I love him so much. He is a good guy to have around the house he can fix anything..LOL that is a running joke around here about him. He is a keeper!! Now to figure out how to get us all on our travels. I will make it happen!! Well it's time for the movie so I will write more later~