Bad day

Hi! Wow it sure was a bad day for my husband today. You would think that he is in the anger stage of cancer. He was in a very bad mood. Well for one thing he isn't feeling very good has a cold, then he didn't get any bacon this morning the kids ate it all. Then microsoft was not letting him get his certificate. He was all out of sorts today. It made me feel bad because I wasn't feeling all that great either. I picked myself up and went to the store for Mark and got some milk and something for dinner. It felt good to go some where today even if it was just to the store. I told the lady at the check out stand that I am going through chemo now. She was so sweet and said she'll say a prayer for me. She asked me my first name. Said "God Bless You." She sometimes think when people get cancer it's a way for them to get closer to God. You know maybe I am suppose to get closer to God as well read the Bible more and pray more. I do find myself praying more for my family, friends, the kids and Mark. I sometimes pray for myself, but that is my last prayer at night and I sometimes forget to pray for myself. Well this isn't what I was going to chat about tonight in my blog it was going to be about how I am feeling mentally. I have been thinking about what all has to be done for myself in order to prolong my life. I have to have the hysterectomy to make sure my ovaries come out. I am also thinking about a bilateral mastectomy too. You see it's 80% chance for me to get breast cancer again if I don't have the mastectomy. That is a huge percentage. I tell you I surely don't want chemo again. Shoot I don't even want to have chemo three more times. Darn it! Well if I can just see the light at the end of the tunnel that will be awesome. I decided to possibly go to my hometown once chemo is over with just to have a celebration. Well I was writing in my journal about how the medical bills are piling in on me and thought maybe my aunt Sharon can throw me a fundraiser of some kind to help with my expenses with my bills. It would be in April when I would be able to make it out to California. I believe I would feel a lot better by then. Hopefully my last chemo is in March if everything goes as planned. Then heal for a few weeks head to Cali see all my family and friends and celebrate the end of chemo. Okay I just wrote a high school friend and she is a nice gal Barbara, she may help with the fundraiser I asked her because she likes to get involved with class reunions, she has a great personality and is good with people. She would be such a great help. I look forward to hearing from her. It would really be nice to have this fundraiser to help us out with all my bills it's getting out of hand the little ones add up fast, then there are some over $200 hundred dollars as well. I hate to say this, but I haven't even showed all of them to Mark don't want him to worry. It would just stress him out bigtime. I am hoping the financial assistance come in from the hospital soon. I also going to go to Cancer Care for some assistance as well. It's worth a try have to pay those bills. I will have to make a decision soon after the chemo treatments because I am suppose to have radiation, if I don't get the mastectomy then I have to have the radiation. Now I have had radiation before and I rather not have that either. So I have some thinking to do. I am leaning more to have the mastectomy there are a lot of pros to having it done. I've been talking to Mark about it as well and he thinks that I can have the reconstruction done within a year. It would be nice to be able to have less breast sometimes and maybe a size C or D cup. I am right now a Triple D, yeah that is pretty large. I will have to way out the pros and cons on this and talk a plastic surgeon about the reconstruction. I wish I was at that stage now because I sure hate the chemo stage. I still don't like the thought of getting the chemo because of all the side effects it produces. I hope I don't become worse with the more I have. Did I tell you that I am going to try something different next time? I am going to walk more and get more fresh air this next go around. Yeah I think I laid down too much and rested when I needed to be up and about, it's hard when you feel so blah though. Have I said how uncomfortable chemo is? It's like this weird feeling like a bad trip on drugs, but not a high feeling it's more of a dull ache feeling. I didn't get the nausea glad of that but took some of my nausea meds just in case a few times. I also took some pain meds as well because the bone morrow shot that produces my white blood count makes the bones ache so for sure had to take some pain meds it wasn't pleasant to get to that pain even my chest hurt and hips too. I now know even after five days after the bone morrow shot the bones ache. I am sure glad I have three weeks until the next one. I feel for anyone that has chemo every week. That must be so tough for anyone to go through. Man I hope my husband feels better he still is out of sorts kind of a bummer him like this. He has a lot of stress going on right now so I'll give him that. Poor guy. One good thing we may have our house for rent up at our old town. Gosh I hope it works out we sure could use some good news that is for sure. The funds would be nice too. Oh good news my friend Rosa is flying out to be with me my third treatment. She said "I am going to spoil you we just won't tell your doctor." Yeah my doctor is a tough one doesn't want anyone bringing me dinner in bed. The good thing when Rosa is here we can go on walks together. It's been real cold here don't feel like walking outside these days it's like 1 degree today. Brrrr I have the treadmill up in the living room so I get on that a few times a day, but need fresh air once in a while. I am so glad Rosa is coming out makes me feel good I have support what a good friend she is. She is happy to come out too she said. Now to get my mom out here to see me would be nice, but she has her own problems right now. I don't think she will be here for the treatments so glad there is only three more. I think that is all I can handle. It was going to be a total of six treatments, but for some reason only four. Yahoo!! Oh good news the 49er's are going to the Super Bowl. My husband's team didn't win today the Patriots bummer for him, but good for me. Maybe he'll root for my team now. I guess it's a good thing my husband doesn't read my blog. I wanted to the patriots to win as well, but it would have been interesting Super bowl if they would have won. Split down the middle. If they both got in there I would have liked either team winning that is the way I roll, but now with the 49er's winning Go TEAM!! It's kind of fun having a team to look up to and watch. Maybe we can have a Super Bowl party here. Hey that is a good idea, but hmmmm I am not sure I will be up to it I have my second round of chemo on the 30th of January and the Super Bowl is on the 3rd of February. Yeah not so sure I'll feel up to having any people over. We can have one though the kids and I, Mark too. I can relax on the couch and root for my team. We'll see how I'll feel. Well I think I better start thinking about getting my hair cut soon. My hair might be falling out soon. I keep forgetting about that part. I wonder if I'll wear much make-up if I am bald I do hope I like to use that new make-up I haven't since that night of the make-up class. Sad huh? Oh wait I have used the lip gloss. I just don't have it in me. I can't wait to get a nice wig mark told me what wig he would like me to have. He showed me a picture of me with a cute hair do and he wants me to have that kind of wig it's a straight shoulder length hair cut. I hope I can find that wig it would be great. I am going to call the lady who finds wigs for me this coming up week. See if we can go shopping soon for a wig. The good thing it's cold here so a wig is going to be warm and feel good when I go outside. Right now I wear a hat when I go out, but I still have my hair right now. I just like to wear a hat because it's so cold. Mark made my scarf and hat for me and I got a compliment on them the other day. Yeah I have a husband that likes to do all kinds of hobbies, and he is great to have around the house he likes to fix things. So yep he is good to have around the house. I love that he can fix our computer too. He is so smart so proud of him, but feel bad he had a bad day today. Hopefully he will feel better tomorrow. I just hope I feel good too. I was telling you about how I was feeling mentally lately and like I said I have been thinking about the prolonging of my life. I wonder if it's got me down a little bit, because lately all I want to do is just lie on the couch and if I sleep all the more better. Am I trying to go into myself and just sleep to get away from the mental stuff? It also could be the chemo too because I feel that druged out feeling sometimes even now a week later. I just feel that uncomfortable feeling still. It's so hard for me to start anything, but when I do I feel much better. Just writing this has made me feel some what better. I have to admit though boy when I am down for the count I don't even like to write on Facebook or my blog, but that is the times I should keep going and thinking positive. I haven't done my video blog either (camera broke) I still can do it I do have a video camera, but I got to tell you when you feel yuck it's not easy, but that is just it I have to keep going to show people that you can get through it and it will be okay. So I think tonight I am going to do my video entry and work on putting it up on YouTube tomorrow morning. Well now that I wrote a novel I think I'll close for now. Thanks for reading my blog. More later~