2 am post

Hi! Yeah I am up at 2 am this morning I was woke up by some dreams, but can't remember them at this minute. They were something or they wouldn't have woke me up I am sure about that. It might come to me once I start typing. Well I've been giving a lot a thought about the chemo and it's freaking me out so much. I just don't know what to expect...well that isn't all true there are all those damn side effects that I don't want. I am trying to keep strong and fight, but just don't want to feel sick. Who knows maybe it won't be so bad I am just thinking the worst like most people do think the worst and it then turns out not so bad. So we'll soon will see. I start the chemo January 9th. My mom is suppose to be here on the 10th, but she is laid up with a bad back so not sure if she can make it when I am feeling tired. So I asked my mother-in-law if she would be here for me if I need her, she said she would be. I just might need someone here for the kids. Mark will be there for me on the weekend. Do you watch Parenthood? It is a good show a gal on the show is going through breast cancer just like me. I really like watching it makes me feel I am not alone. I soon will be cutting my hair and in a episode she is going to shave her head. I am thinking for my video diary I am going to record me shaving my head as well. I haven't yet decided to shave my head all the way yet, but if it comes down to that I will and I will record it. I also want to record my first treatment too. I wonder if the nurses would let me? It's worth checking out. Well remember me telling you about my friend John? Well I had to call someone about him the other day. Yeah he was suicidal and I had to talk to someone to help him. I called the hotline and they called John. The good thing they didn't call me back so I guess John is safe. If they would have called me back then I would have had to call the emergency services to go check on John. It's hard to live so far away from my family and friends right now. Right now though all I can do is listen to John and tell him he'll be okay this too shall pass. It's hard for me to have to here him so down when I am so close myself for being down as well. Yeah I am one inch away of going into a depression. Yeah with chemo coming heck yeah, but I am not letting it get me no not now. I have to keep my spirits up and I am going to do that too. I've been reading my book "When Cancer Hits" and it has things for people to do to keep positive during treatments. Also ways to cope and take care of oneself. I plan to go to a counselor every Wednesday morning to help with some difficult issues that I might have during this time. I am not so sure that the group is right for me at this time. To tell you the truth I really want to talk about what is going on with me right now and not listen to other's problems. I hope that isn't being selfish, but right now I have to talk it out and in group you don't get a lot of time to talk things out. I want to cry if I have to, I want to scream if I have to, I want to be angry if I have to and a counselor would do that for me if need to. I just wish John would find someone to talk to and stick with it. He needs that so much right now. In a way I wish John wasn't in a depression because I could really need his support right now, but for John it's all about how he is feeling. I do listen to him and try to tell him things that worked for me when I was in a depression so I do hope what I say helps him. I just hope he doesn't do anything to harm himself. I'll keep a close watch on him. Well anyway we put up the for rent sign at our home today. Yeah we hope to get some good renters in there. It's breaking us paying for rent and a mortgage right now. We need that extra money coming in right now so we can make our house payment. Gosh I wish Mark can get a good paying job. He tries so hard and no one will hire him unless he has that bachelor's degree. Sigh~ he is working his ass off too. Working trying to go to college, house hold problems, his wife has cancer, the kids, etc. He is having a hard time these days poor guy. I worry about my husband a lot. I pray for him too. If only he can get a good paying job right now that would make him feel so much better and it would take away some burden off of his shoulders. Now I can't work right now well I guess I could, but who would hire me if I might be sick a lot with chemo? I think I'll just keep taking care of myself right now then once I am back on my feet I'll go back to school and finish what I want to do and that is be a massage therapist and a medical assistant. I think that would be awesome I can help others. That is my goal to do that too. I want to help others. So if I become a medical assistant that would be like my full-time job and massage therapy will be my helping others job. I can make my own hours with that one. So this is a good thing once I get feeling better start finding a career for me. It was going to be business administration healthcare, but I think I would be happy just to be in the medical field as a medical assistant and massage therapist. I can do both I do believe. That is something to look forward to. I am going to focus on that when times I am feeling crappy with chemo going to think about when I am able to help others with massage. Speaking of that want to set up an appointment for one soon. I wonder if I can do it after treatment or before treatment? Hmmm not sure. I'll ask my nurse naviagtor about that first. Wow I am not going to be good in the morning for my husband and kids this morning. I am up at 4 am right now writing and writing. This is good for me though no one to bother me and I am all alone with my thoughts. Of course they will be public soon. LOL This is good writing my thoughts down it really does help a lot. I guess even if people don't read this it's still good for me to be able to express myself. You know I am kind of bummed out about my mom not being able to make it when I need her. She can't help her back that is a given, but it just sucks that something always comes up when I need her. Now she isn't going to bring my brother with her on the travel which is probably a good idea. My brother isn't well has seizures and a lot of brain damage too. So anyway it's just a bummer that my mom won't be here for my first treatment. She may be here after I am done with being sick, but hey that might be a good thing right?! She can skip all the yucky stuff and I'll be up and ready to visit with her. So there is a silver lining to this trip for her. See her daughter not down in the dumps, but energy back and feeling better. Now I am going to get chemo every three weeks for four months...boo!! has to be done I know in order to get healthy. Just seems like a long time though. Maybe it will go by fast. Well another thing that is on my mind is that I feel so lazy these days to do house work. I do the dishes, but it's like it takes NASA to get a fire under my ass to do anything aroudn the house. I hate it that I feel so lazy. I even called Merry maids today to see if they have a cleaning service for cancer patients and they do. The only thing is they are full in my area. DARN IT!! yeah I rather have some one clean my house because I am hating house work to no end. Don't get me wrong when I am in the mood to clean house oh boy it's great, but lately I just don't want to do anything. It could be because I am mending from surgery, but geez come on all ready lets clean the house. I did take down a lot of the Christmas decorations so that was good, but my husband finished them today. I kind of felt bad about it because I didn't finish what I started and he hates that, but he said it didn't bother him today to finish it up. So that is a good thing. I have a good husband to help me out. Well it's getting late and I should get back to bed now. It's now 4:27 am. I was up at 2 am so I am getting sleepy again. Thank you for reading my blog! More later~

Just thinking a lot.

Hi, well Christmas is over and now all I want to do is take my tree and decorations down. I feel like ba hum bug in away. I guess I am just done with it we had the decorations up since Thanksgiving weekend so it's time to put them away. I want to get to the next step in our lives. I've been thinking about the chemo coming up how can I not? I am trying to find ways to have a good attitude about it all and positive outlook. I got to tell you the book "When Cancer Hits" is helping finding ways to help me do just that think positive and let those emotions come up. One of them is to write about how I feel about things. I got to tell you I am pissed about having to get chemo. I had no idea that would be part of the treatment when went to the doctor for the first time. I just couldn't believe it. I just put my head down and rubbed my face thinking there is no way I want chemo. What bothers me the most is the feeling of being sick. Now the nausea and vomiting does bother me, but that isn't it it's more like all the other side effects, like shortness of breath, fever higher than 101, dark urine etc. all the really bad side effects. They scare me the most. I guess if I get any of them all I have to do is call the doctor and they will take care of me. I just don't want to have to be in the hospital for chemo treatment. I've seen it before when I worked in the hospital people were in the hospital for chemo treatments and it wasn't pretty. I felt so bad for the patients they were so sick. Well there is one drug they aren't going to give me and I am grateful for that. I am going to be getting Cyclophosphamide and Docetaxel. I am afraid to look them up to know what the side effects are it just scares me so much. Okay well I just looked at them and yeah they scare me. I just heard so many horror stories of chemo I am just beside myself. I hate that I have to go through this now that is getting closer to treatment. I sure am not feeling very positive right now about it. Sigh~ I just got to get through it for myself and family I can do it. It's going to be hell, but I've been there and back I can do it again. Speaking about the full-body radiation I had before in 1996 that wasn't fun either. Well on a lighter side I had a nice Christmas with my family we had a nice relaxing day. We all got some lovely gifts from the cancer center so sweet of them to spoil us. My mom sent a bunch of stuff from California and mother-in-law gave the kids a lot of gifts as well. It was about being togethee and that was nice. The day after Christmas mark had to go back to work and I was a little down because all I wanted to do was sleep most of the day. I wasn't into cleaning the house or anything. I did read my book, but it made me sleepy. Today though we went to Costco and I bought some dinner for us tonight, milk and cheese too. We probably can't afford it, but thought I better get something for dinner. I am glad that I went out of the house today it makes me crazy staying in the house for too long. Cabin fever isn't any fun. I don't think the kids like it either. We also went to the Cancer center this morning and got those blankets for the kids they love them a lot. It's so nice of the cancer center to treat us so well. I am looking forward to putting on some of my new make-up that I got from the "Look Good Feel Good" program. I think I'll put on some make-up before doing my next video diary. I think it's time to do things that make me feel good. Putting on make-up would do that for me. I think I'll shower this evening when my husband gets home tonight and feel fresh as a daisy..LOL I am silly I know. When we get some money coming in I am going to get a massage again. I really need one just to relax and feel calm. If that is something I could do I would get one once a week or once a month. That would be a good program for the American cancer society to have wouldn't it? Hmmm maybe I can work on that one day. Get a program going for massages for cancer patients. I might have to get my certificate so I can help others. First things first have to get myself well. Then I'll work on my degree or a medical assistant certificate and a massage certificate. Yeah that is my goal now after I get well. Oh did I say that I am going to take a leave of absence from College? I think I did say that it does feel like there is a load off my back to keep going on it. I just don't think I can do it when have chemo I will be out of it for a few days every three weeks. So it's best that I just take it easy and just get myself well. Okay well my husband is home now so I will go talk with him. I'll be brave about the chemo, but I can still be pissed about it. MOre later~

Merry Christmas Eve

Hello, well today I didn't sleep all day long. Yeah it's something for me. I must be getting my energy back. It feels good to be awake most of the day. It's 1:10 pm and I haven't slept all day. Wow I am totally stoked out. I even got up today and went to walmart it wasn't that bad for being Christmas Eve either. We got a few things and then I said what is for dinner to my kids. Then I thought about having breakfast for dinner tonight. Sounds good huh?! The kids like the idea. It helps my mother-in-law too she doesn't eat meat so we'll have things she can eat then. She told me she likes the idea as well. Shoot now that I am up and about not sure what to do with myself. I guess one thing is for sure I can keep this house kept clean for tomorrow. We also need to get our Christmas cookies to our neighbors too. Yeah I can't believe it but yesterday I was so tired didn't feel like making cookies at all, but forced myself to do it. I am glad I did it too the kids loved making cookies. Well they like eating the dough and cracking the eggs. It took a lot out of me to do that. Today is a better day!! Wow what to do with all my energy?! I am keeping the house cleaned making sure the kids pick up after themselves. Well my husband had to work today for Christmas Eve bummer huh?! Well he'll be home soon and then we can enjoy our holiday together. I haven't thought about the cancer today much so that is a good thing. Probably because I feel half way decent. I called my mom today she told me a funny story. She had a little bit of fudge and it turned out it was made with some pot. She was high all night. It's funny yeah her roommate's friend made it and didn't tell her it was laced. LOL mom was so high she said you got to laugh at that. I think it made her pain go away to some extent. She is having bad back pain that is going down to her knee. She is calling around for a chiropractor today hope someone is open for her. She is in a lot of pain right now. Well I've been thinking about my friend John who is in a huge depression. I should call him and see how he is doing. I hope he is doing better. I feel for him since I've been there with depression it's the pits!! I am so glad I am not going through one right now I would be in a world a hurt if that is the case. Having cancer and a depression too that wouldn't be a good thing. That is why I must keep my spirits up as much as I can. I am going to get through the chemo I just have to. I have kids to raise, places to go and people to see!! I will do it and it will be okay. My mom is coming out my first treatment on the 12th of January and my friend Rosa is coming out my second treatment. It will be nice to have the help that is for sure. It will be a little tough for my mom to have my brother here too and me. You see my brother has seizures and he is a lot to handle, but if we get him some games and a computer he should be okay to go. I just hope my mom will help me. One time she came to help me and she slept most of the time. She pretty much came to sleep I guess. I am going to need the help this time so hope she is up to it. The kids want her to take them to school too. She said she would love to do that for them. It probably will be better that my brother is here when she is here too that way she won't worry about him so much when she is here. Well so it's a good day today. I can't wait until Santa comes tonight it's going to be a great Christmas for the kids and my family we have each other and that is what matters. Well my little girl wants to go lay on the bed with me. So more later~ Merry Christmas Eve!!!

coping skills

Hi, Yeah well I am up late tonight my boy and I had a sleep over. That is what he likes to call it when we stay up late together. He finally fell asleep. I am just getting done with putting my video diary on Facebook. Yeah it was a sad one tonight, but like Mark says need to get the ones of me not feeling all that great up too. People want to see all sides of this journey not just the stuff that is happening like doctor's appointments and stuff like that people want to see the real me. I do plan to video tape myself during chemo too so those might not be very appealing either to watch, but I have to get my story out there just maybe I can help other woman going through the same thing. I know I'll have my own experience of chemo just like they'll have theirs everyone is different. My husband said let's not think of chemo right now, but it's hard for me not to think about it. It's in the back of my mind. Sure I am thinking about the Holidays and all the fun stuff that goes with it, but oh boy that chemo is in the back of my mind no doubt about that. How can it not be there with group talking about how everything taste like cardboard and how people get the chemo brain it makes me scared once again. I think I have decided not to go to the group for a while. I will though go to one on one counseling at the time. I have two lovely ladies that will help me with that and I will take them up on their time for me. I really need to talk to someone about all this and they will be there for me. Oh one of the ladies said there are two fleece blankets for the kids to have. Yeah I told them how much we all love the handmade blanket that was given to us from the American cancer society well they decided to get the kids blankets too. Isn't that so sweet. I tell you people are being so kind to my family during this time. It warms my heart. One thing though I wish I had is a maid to help with the house work. I did the best I could today, but it was a real chore to do the house work today. I felt so lazy and could barely move to vacuum. It was really tough to clean the house today. I told my husband how lazy I am. He just laughed and said well dear you just had surgery give yourself a break. True True, but I can't believe how hard it is for me. Geez. well I can only do what I can do. And that is take more naps!! I like that idea a lot better than cleaning house any day. I did just that today also I dropped the kids off at school and came home and got into bed and slept until my mom woke me up with a phone call. I am glad she called I was about to get up any way so that was nice she called me. I am calling her a lot these days. Just to keep her up to date on everything and to be close to her. I think she likes it too. We used to write on Facebook together, but now I just pick up the phone and call. It's better that way really. People should do it more often these days. I also get phone calls from my girlfriends a lot too. Rosa, Liz, Nellie and Barbara text me and call me so that is nice. It's great to have friends that care so much for me. I LOVE THEM SO!! Thank you my friends. I am feeling better now that I am writing things down it helps to do journaling. It's a good coping skill. I have a dog too that is helping me through some hard times. Her name is Bailey and she is a border collie very good dog so loving and a good dog. She listens very well. I love her so much. I didn't do much with her today I did take her with me to town today and she liked it. She loves to come with me to town with me to pick up the kids, to the store any where she'll come with me. I love her company. So she is a good coping skill as well. I have three cats as well so they help too they are funny to watch play. Well I wonder if I should get to bed now it's getting later and later and I need my rest. Thanks for reading my blog and I hope you have a great day!! More later~

The blues

Hi, Oh wow do I feel the blues today. I had to make myself go to my daughter's Christmas party this afternoon. It was really hard to go to it. I did though and then my daughter has a meltdown it wasn't pretty at all. I just thought to myself okay this too shall pass. It took a while for it to pass, but she finally calmed down. You see she wanted to ride the bus with her friend. I told her she could, but then she didn't run to the bus it was a mess. She got so worked up about it that she said it was my fault she almost passed out. I told her to calm down it wasn't fun at all. It really upset me and to top it off I am not feeling that great. Sigh~ well I am now in my pjs and just relaxing. I had to get on my blog to write this down. I called my counselor Lesa about how I am feeling about my support group. They are wonderful people, but I think it's bringing up anxiety issues with me. You see a lot of them have had chemo and I haven't so they were saying yesterday how everything taste like cardboard. They read an obituary about a group member. I didn't know him, but it made me sad. My counselor said today it's expected of me to be going through grief right now with the cancer. She told me to get my beautiful bag of coping skills and pick and choose them when need them. One of them is journaling and blogging. I hope it's a good coping skill. I am thinking of video blogging about how I feel today. Mark said people want to see how I am in between what is going on with me. I really need to show people all sides of my journey. Well I feel better talking about the party today and the group. It might be good for me for now to just do one on one counseling at this time. Well I think I am going to close for now and take a shower. Okay more later~

Port placement

Hi! Well my port is put in not happy about it, but has to be done for when I have Chemotherapy on January 9, 2013. Yeah going to have chemo before having the ovaries taken out. That is the plan thus this far. I am doing pretty well not as tired as I was when I had the lumpectomy. Of course I haven't had much pain meds either. I want to keep my wits about me right now. I just don't want to feel tired and loopy. Those pain pills sure do make one feel high. Well I am happy to know I am having the chemo after Christmas so that is good news, but it's going to happen so that is the bad news. I know, one day at a time right now. I think I am just thinking the worst of chemo and it may not even be that bad. I have to keep thinking positive so I can get through it. Well today for the video diary I said man my life has changed. So many appointments so many more people I have met. I have met some great people too. All the doctors, nurses, social workers, group members and counselors it's been unreal how wonderful they have been to my family and I. I really appreciate it so much how kind everyone is to us. I have to admit that there are times that I do think about my life and if I am going to survive. I guess that goes with the territory. Cancer scare isn't a good thing no matter how you look at it. I am going to do my best to fight like a girl with all my heart and soul. Right now I have a friend who is having a hard time with depression I know I've been there and I am thankful for at the time I am not in a depression. I do feel bad for my friend though. I think man I am now fighting for my life and my friend is thinking of taking his. It makes me sad to hear him like this right now. All I can do is to be there for him, but it's possible that he could bring me down with him at this critical time in my life. I have to be careful right now I am at a vulnerable state at this time of my life. I don't want to be sad and depressed right now I need to be upbeat for myself and my family. I want to live life to the fullest that is all I have right now to live life as best I can. I plan to do just that too have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year!! I am praying for my friend to get well soon. He deserves to be happy just wish he wasn't going through it right now when I am actually needing him at this time. I need all the support I can get right now and if I can get it from friends that means a lot to me. I will take it where ever I can get it at this time. I am grateful to all those that are supporting me through this challenging time. Thank you!! I do hope to give back what has be giving to me. I'll do that once I get healthy. Oh I decided to take a break from college. Yeah I was going to school, but after talking to my husband I think it's best I take a break. I know I want to go into the medical field so I plan to do that once I am doing well and ready to get back into College. It will be nice not having to worry about College right now just concentrate on being healthy. That is going to be a full-time job as it is. Need to watch what I eat while in therapy. I am doing research right now about what to eat and how to take care of myself. I am reading the book "When Cancer Hits" It's a book about what to do for oneself when going through treatment. I am glad I found it, it's been a big help for me so far. Wow I do feel good about no College it's like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it with chemo because who knows how I am going to feel with that. Okay well I believe it's time for me to hit the bed now. I'll write more later~ Net

Well happy 12/12/12 today! I had some good news on this day with my chemo doctor. He said I wouldn't have chemo until after the New Year! I was thrilled. I did cry in his office before he came in just my husband was with me and I started to cry. I just don't want chemo because I hear so many bad things about it. I am just scared of it that is all. I don't want to be so sick where I can't keep up with my children. I want to have fun with them and not feel sick. You know the worse is most thought of then the positive stuff so it seems. It is with chemo for me. I will try and stop being so negative about it so I can help others out there. I do still plan to keep up with my blog while going through treatment. I know I'll be tired a lot with chemo, but I'll find time to write since I love to write so much. Besides it is a coping skill for me. It helps me help others and it helps me too. Well besides getting the good news not having chemo until after the New Year because the doctor wants me to heal well after surgery. I also got some nice gifts today. I got a beautiful blanket that was handmade from a lady in Boise Idaho. I also received a hat and scarf something fun and playful. I was thinking of giving the scarf to my daughter it's very pretty pink one. She would love it. Oh yeah and my daughter and I went to the Look Good, Feel Good make-up class. It was so great we had a wonderful time together. Bren even saw some ladies with no hair. I think it was good for her so she will see mommy like that soon. It was a fun time and so glad she came with me. Mother and daughter bonding. She put make-up on me and I on her and she helped with taking all the make-up out of the bag. It was a nice gift with all that make-up so grateful for all of it. I guess next up is getting a wig. But maybe I can wait until January now. I was going to get my hair cut this Saturday, but I think I'll go ahead a wait. Well anyway that is what is happening now with chemo and the fun stuff with my daughter. My next appointment is tomorrow with my surgeon because I was going to have my stitches out, but now it's oozing water out of my incision. So we'll see what he'll do with it tomorrow. Then I have an appointment on Friday to see my OB/Gyn to talk about having surgery for my ovaries next. We'll see what he says about it on Friday. If he wants to do it before chemo then I'll have to wait longer for it, if not until after chemo then well that is okay too. I will pretty much do what my doctor suggests. I figure they have been around a while longer than I and they also know what they are doing most of the time right?! They went to school longer than I have. So hopefully they know what they are doing. Okay well I hope everyone is doing well and I give you blessings and thank you for the prayers and positive thoughts. More later~

3 am

Hi! Yeah I woke up early this morning for some reason. Another dream that was weird a lot of chatter going on in my dream couldn't make it out either. It was weird even when I opened my eyes the chatter was still there then I moved and it was gone. My dreams tell me something all the time just wish I could figure them out half the time. Well I wanted to write tonight about just feeling really scared about the chemo coming up soon. I am afraid of it because I know it even kills good cells. I am afraid I'll be allergic to it, I am afraid that I'll get so ill I'll be in the hospital and I am just plain afraid. Yeah I am afraid of what is in store for my life now. It's getting better and fighting this cancer I know that. But it makes me wonder if I'll fight it now that I have a gentic gene that is positive. I am so bummed out about that I can't even tell you in words how much so. I was thinking how truly this sucks last night in the shower. My life has totally changed and it's not for the good either. I know I can find things that are good in there some where..hmmm what just came to me maybe a better relationship with God. That would be a positive thing that comes out of this. Taking better care of myself would also be better and another one is meeting so many wonderful people through all this. So far I've talked to so many pepople that are supporting me it's unreal. It feels good too. I don't really know them all, but learning about them every day. It sure helps keep my spirits high. I do miss my family and friends in California. I talk to my friends Liz and Rosa just about everyday which is a good thing. They are always checking on me all the time. Just a good morning from them makes me smile. Thank you Rosa and Liz for making me your special friend. I love you both very much!! Thank you to all the wonderful people that read my Blog and give me prayers and positive thoughts. It's everyone that is keeping me going right now. I am feeling better as I write this blog telling my deep dark feelings about what is going to happen to me and I am scared. So many people have high hopes for me that I am going to beat this and I am going to fight like crazy too. I keep saying to myself trust in God. I'm reading a book called "Praying Through Cancer" and one lady that went through chemo just kept saying to herself trust God. That just stuck for me to say that trust God!! So that is what I am going to do when I am afraid, scared, feel alone and just down in the dumps going to Trust God! Thanks for reading my blog and for your support. I believe it's time to Trust God and go back to bed now. More later~

Post Surgery

Hi! Well to tell you the truth haven't much felt like writing. I have been so tired and feeling like I got hit by a truck. It's been a tough week just sleeping a lot and still doing things with my kids. They don't keep mama down for very long that is for sure. The first day I wanted to drive went to the grocery store and boy did that take a lot out of me. I just came home and went down on the couch. It really did a number to me. So my days have been laying on the couch mostly because of being so tired and also having a lot of medicine in my system. I have pretty much stopped taking the pain pills just cut them in half now. So that is a good thing. I did get up to drive the kids to school and they loved it. I saw Connor's teacher and she was so happy to see me up and a bout. What a nice lady she is very concerned about me. It's nice to have that support right now. Well any way I kept doing things and feeling tired. Then my daughter became ill. The flu bug so took her to the doctors and they did a strep test on her and that was a chore. Brenna had to be held down to get it done. That hurt my right side a lot. It came back negative. She just had the flu. Then Connor needed a hair cut and we took off to Wal-mart for that. He was being stubborn and hurt my right side for that again. Well it turned out well in the end his hair looks good I can see his face. As soon as that day was winding down I just laid on the couch again. I spent a lot of time on the couch. It was so bad that I didn't even do my Facebook. It was as if I didn't care about it. Gasp! Yeah when you don't feel good you tend not to care too much about anything. Well the less important stuff. Yesterday was a little better day I wanted to go on a walk. So picked myself up for a short walk around the block and it felt good. I even did my dishes it did perk up my energy level. That night I even made dinner. The kids had pancakes and eggs and mark had a salad and I had pasta and vegies. Yeah I guess you can call me a short order cook last night. Just glad everyone ate that is the good thing. Today I am feeling a little better going to get ready to vacuum the floor and clean the house a bit. Want to get ready for Christmas. Oh I saw my surgeon on Thursday of last week and every thing looked good on my incisions. He said he is going to do a port in my chest so when I have chemo it will be there for the nurses to put the chemo in me. I have to admit I cried the other day because I just don't want to have chemo it scares me to have that and I don't want to be ill. I am reasurred that they have better nausea medicine now so I shouldn't become sick that way. I will be tired though. My hair will fall out and a few other side effects will happen. I just had a bad day thinking about having the chemo and I just cried and cried. My nurse navigator thought it would be good to talk to her friend that went through chemo for ovarian cancer. Well she was wrong because it was horrible to hear about her experience. I didn't want to hear about all her illness and crap. It really bothered me and I told her I had to go didn't want to hear about her experience because I am going to have my own not hers. I don't plan to talk to that woman again in the near future either because I just wasn't in a good frame of mind to deal with that then. Gosh I wish I didn't have to hear what she went through it didn't do me any favors. Just made my nerves more uneasy. So glad that day was over with. Well I began to think about when they are going to do my chemo so I called my nurse and she said before Christmas. I was bummed out. I told her I want it done after Christmas. Someone told me that it would be done after Christmas. I want to go with that. I just don't want to be doing that before Christmas at all. I will be not with it for our celebration. Also it's a hard time for my mom to come out for Christmas time. Well it might not be that hard for her if she takes the Greyhound bus. We'll see if she can make it I know she wants to be here for when I have my first treatment. Sigh~ Well that is what is going on in a nut shell. My next treatment is chemo then radiation. So not looking forward to either of them. Well I think I'll close for now and do my video diary. More Later~~