2 am post

Hi! Yeah I am up at 2 am this morning I was woke up by some dreams, but can't remember them at this minute. They were something or they wouldn't have woke me up I am sure about that. It might come to me once I start typing. Well I've been giving a lot a thought about the chemo and it's freaking me out so much. I just don't know what to expect...well that isn't all true there are all those damn side effects that I don't want. I am trying to keep strong and fight, but just don't want to feel sick. Who knows maybe it won't be so bad I am just thinking the worst like most people do think the worst and it then turns out not so bad. So we'll soon will see. I start the chemo January 9th. My mom is suppose to be here on the 10th, but she is laid up with a bad back so not sure if she can make it when I am feeling tired. So I asked my mother-in-law if she would be here for me if I need her, she said she would be. I just might need someone here for the kids. Mark will be there for me on the weekend. Do you watch Parenthood? It is a good show a gal on the show is going through breast cancer just like me. I really like watching it makes me feel I am not alone. I soon will be cutting my hair and in a episode she is going to shave her head. I am thinking for my video diary I am going to record me shaving my head as well. I haven't yet decided to shave my head all the way yet, but if it comes down to that I will and I will record it. I also want to record my first treatment too. I wonder if the nurses would let me? It's worth checking out. Well remember me telling you about my friend John? Well I had to call someone about him the other day. Yeah he was suicidal and I had to talk to someone to help him. I called the hotline and they called John. The good thing they didn't call me back so I guess John is safe. If they would have called me back then I would have had to call the emergency services to go check on John. It's hard to live so far away from my family and friends right now. Right now though all I can do is listen to John and tell him he'll be okay this too shall pass. It's hard for me to have to here him so down when I am so close myself for being down as well. Yeah I am one inch away of going into a depression. Yeah with chemo coming heck yeah, but I am not letting it get me no not now. I have to keep my spirits up and I am going to do that too. I've been reading my book "When Cancer Hits" and it has things for people to do to keep positive during treatments. Also ways to cope and take care of oneself. I plan to go to a counselor every Wednesday morning to help with some difficult issues that I might have during this time. I am not so sure that the group is right for me at this time. To tell you the truth I really want to talk about what is going on with me right now and not listen to other's problems. I hope that isn't being selfish, but right now I have to talk it out and in group you don't get a lot of time to talk things out. I want to cry if I have to, I want to scream if I have to, I want to be angry if I have to and a counselor would do that for me if need to. I just wish John would find someone to talk to and stick with it. He needs that so much right now. In a way I wish John wasn't in a depression because I could really need his support right now, but for John it's all about how he is feeling. I do listen to him and try to tell him things that worked for me when I was in a depression so I do hope what I say helps him. I just hope he doesn't do anything to harm himself. I'll keep a close watch on him. Well anyway we put up the for rent sign at our home today. Yeah we hope to get some good renters in there. It's breaking us paying for rent and a mortgage right now. We need that extra money coming in right now so we can make our house payment. Gosh I wish Mark can get a good paying job. He tries so hard and no one will hire him unless he has that bachelor's degree. Sigh~ he is working his ass off too. Working trying to go to college, house hold problems, his wife has cancer, the kids, etc. He is having a hard time these days poor guy. I worry about my husband a lot. I pray for him too. If only he can get a good paying job right now that would make him feel so much better and it would take away some burden off of his shoulders. Now I can't work right now well I guess I could, but who would hire me if I might be sick a lot with chemo? I think I'll just keep taking care of myself right now then once I am back on my feet I'll go back to school and finish what I want to do and that is be a massage therapist and a medical assistant. I think that would be awesome I can help others. That is my goal to do that too. I want to help others. So if I become a medical assistant that would be like my full-time job and massage therapy will be my helping others job. I can make my own hours with that one. So this is a good thing once I get feeling better start finding a career for me. It was going to be business administration healthcare, but I think I would be happy just to be in the medical field as a medical assistant and massage therapist. I can do both I do believe. That is something to look forward to. I am going to focus on that when times I am feeling crappy with chemo going to think about when I am able to help others with massage. Speaking of that want to set up an appointment for one soon. I wonder if I can do it after treatment or before treatment? Hmmm not sure. I'll ask my nurse naviagtor about that first. Wow I am not going to be good in the morning for my husband and kids this morning. I am up at 4 am right now writing and writing. This is good for me though no one to bother me and I am all alone with my thoughts. Of course they will be public soon. LOL This is good writing my thoughts down it really does help a lot. I guess even if people don't read this it's still good for me to be able to express myself. You know I am kind of bummed out about my mom not being able to make it when I need her. She can't help her back that is a given, but it just sucks that something always comes up when I need her. Now she isn't going to bring my brother with her on the travel which is probably a good idea. My brother isn't well has seizures and a lot of brain damage too. So anyway it's just a bummer that my mom won't be here for my first treatment. She may be here after I am done with being sick, but hey that might be a good thing right?! She can skip all the yucky stuff and I'll be up and ready to visit with her. So there is a silver lining to this trip for her. See her daughter not down in the dumps, but energy back and feeling better. Now I am going to get chemo every three weeks for four months...boo!! has to be done I know in order to get healthy. Just seems like a long time though. Maybe it will go by fast. Well another thing that is on my mind is that I feel so lazy these days to do house work. I do the dishes, but it's like it takes NASA to get a fire under my ass to do anything aroudn the house. I hate it that I feel so lazy. I even called Merry maids today to see if they have a cleaning service for cancer patients and they do. The only thing is they are full in my area. DARN IT!! yeah I rather have some one clean my house because I am hating house work to no end. Don't get me wrong when I am in the mood to clean house oh boy it's great, but lately I just don't want to do anything. It could be because I am mending from surgery, but geez come on all ready lets clean the house. I did take down a lot of the Christmas decorations so that was good, but my husband finished them today. I kind of felt bad about it because I didn't finish what I started and he hates that, but he said it didn't bother him today to finish it up. So that is a good thing. I have a good husband to help me out. Well it's getting late and I should get back to bed now. It's now 4:27 am. I was up at 2 am so I am getting sleepy again. Thank you for reading my blog! More later~