3 am

Hi! Yeah I woke up early this morning for some reason. Another dream that was weird a lot of chatter going on in my dream couldn't make it out either. It was weird even when I opened my eyes the chatter was still there then I moved and it was gone. My dreams tell me something all the time just wish I could figure them out half the time. Well I wanted to write tonight about just feeling really scared about the chemo coming up soon. I am afraid of it because I know it even kills good cells. I am afraid I'll be allergic to it, I am afraid that I'll get so ill I'll be in the hospital and I am just plain afraid. Yeah I am afraid of what is in store for my life now. It's getting better and fighting this cancer I know that. But it makes me wonder if I'll fight it now that I have a gentic gene that is positive. I am so bummed out about that I can't even tell you in words how much so. I was thinking how truly this sucks last night in the shower. My life has totally changed and it's not for the good either. I know I can find things that are good in there some where..hmmm what just came to me maybe a better relationship with God. That would be a positive thing that comes out of this. Taking better care of myself would also be better and another one is meeting so many wonderful people through all this. So far I've talked to so many pepople that are supporting me it's unreal. It feels good too. I don't really know them all, but learning about them every day. It sure helps keep my spirits high. I do miss my family and friends in California. I talk to my friends Liz and Rosa just about everyday which is a good thing. They are always checking on me all the time. Just a good morning from them makes me smile. Thank you Rosa and Liz for making me your special friend. I love you both very much!! Thank you to all the wonderful people that read my Blog and give me prayers and positive thoughts. It's everyone that is keeping me going right now. I am feeling better as I write this blog telling my deep dark feelings about what is going to happen to me and I am scared. So many people have high hopes for me that I am going to beat this and I am going to fight like crazy too. I keep saying to myself trust in God. I'm reading a book called "Praying Through Cancer" and one lady that went through chemo just kept saying to herself trust God. That just stuck for me to say that trust God!! So that is what I am going to do when I am afraid, scared, feel alone and just down in the dumps going to Trust God! Thanks for reading my blog and for your support. I believe it's time to Trust God and go back to bed now. More later~