Surgery

Well I survived the surgery. It's the day after of surgery so I am doing pretty good just a little pain mostly under the arm where the lymph node was taken out. That is right I believe they just took one lymph node out. That is good news! The day went by fast too. Mark was with me during most of the time. I got to the hospital at 7:15 a.m. and was in the nucular medicine at 7:30 a.m. The Sentinel node radiation dye was a little painful, but I got through it okay it lasted only until about 8:30 am then it was off to the surgery waiting room. I didn't wait very long to go back to the surgery then they got my IV in except they had to poke me twice. I have a bruise now in the arm they missed the vain in. Mark wasn't with me then, but soon came in after the IV was in. Mark came in after that was done. Well I had some visitors a chaplain Alex came to pray for me and my doctors came in to see me. A few nurses came in to ask questions it was all routine pretty much. Then I went down to the surgery room about 11: 35 am I was put on the operating table and the next thing I know I was out and then woke up around 2:35 p.m. well at least I think it was about 2 p.m. something. I tried to look at the clock, but it looked a little like two clocks and blurry to me. Yeah I was out of it. The good thing is I didn't vomit after surgery YAHOO!! I was feeling pretty good actually. I was a little tender and probably the hardest thing about the whole thing was my recovery nurse kept telling me to deep breath and I had to cough hard and that hurt to cough my armpit hurt pretty bad then. I had to cough though and breath to get my oxygen level at a good rate. Then soon after that I went to outpatient recovery then my husband came in to see me. I was so happy to see him too. I wanted to know what the doctor said. The doctor talked to me for a little bit and all I remember I said to him that there was two of him and he was cute as ever. LOL I am such a flirt. I just don't know what he said to me excpet something about my pee was going to be blue then green. They had to put in the dye to see what lymp node received it first because that is the lymp node with the cancer would go to. Mark said it was good news that it didn't look like cancer was in the lymph node. But they won't know until the final lab work. I am hoping there is good news. I did hear bad news because my gentic testing and I tested positive for a mutant gene so I am a carrier of the breast cancer gene so that isn't good news. In a way I kind of new just because I get rare things like a rare skin disease and now the rare gene. Now why can't I win the lottery that is rare right?! Sigh~ so now they are worried about my ovaries I have I high chance of getting ovarian cancer now. So now I have to have them take them out sometime down the road. So that means another surgery down the road. Not too happy about that, but knowledge is power so now that I know I have the gene I can do preventive medicine and get my ovaries taken out. I see an OBGYN in about two weeks to talk to him about my options on when and what to do about them. I do wonder if I have to have radiation on the ovaries though. The reason why that comes to mind is because my radiation doctor referred me to the OBGYN doctor so I have some concerns. I called my nurse navagator the one who told me about all that and left a message to ask if I have to have radiation where my ovaries are. Hmmmm makes one wonder at least to me it does. I am really going through some tough stuff right now, but through all the prayers and positive thoughts it helps a lot. Sure I have some thoughts that get to me, but I just turn to trust in God and I'll be okay. So anyway that is what happen yesterday at surgery I'm feeling better love my pain medicine!! It's making me sleepy now so I will close and write more later~

Thanksgiving

Hi everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I had a very nice day with my family and mother-in-law Betty. Mark takes care of the Turkey and I made the mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. Mark made some fried potatoes for the kids did they eat them NO. Kids you got to love them. We had such a good dinner. Bren set the table for us. She loves doing that. It's good for her to do that it's a tradition now. What I wanted to do for the kids this year was to make creative things for Thanksgiving. So we went to the Michael's for some crafts the night before. Yeah I thought it would be so busy, but it wasn't. So Connor bought a weather station kit and brenna bought some more paint and a Christmas ornament. She also wanted to make some jewelery so we bought her a kit. She made a bracelet for her friend Molly and her. They are so cute too. I did some coloring with the Mandala. It helped to relax me. I proud of my son he even did one and finished it. Mark did one as well. I want to frame them, but got to thinking I haven't seen any round frames. Hey I have something going here. Mark can make some for me. He is in wood working so he can make them for me. Well I've been telling Mark some of the things I want for Christmas, he tells me to write them down. Now to remember what I want. I want the usually things like pjs, journals, stationary. I told him I wanted something new this year, but can't remember what it is. hmmm I'll think of it. I do want a new sweater and a wallet. I lost mine on the day of my biopsy that wasn't good. It was a mess trying to get all my cards again. What a pain it was calling everyone to replace everything. Well it's done now so all is better. Well as for me dealing with the cancer I've had some bad days and some anxiety at night. I had some bad dreams of surgery just get worried at times. I guess it goes with the territory. It's normal to be a little worried. I don't like waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and having bad dreams. I woke Mark up the other night to tell him my bad dream. He was supportive and told me to just relax. I hadn't had my xanax for a few days so I got it now and feel much better. I took it last night and slept so good. I didn't have any bad dreams thank goodness. I'll take it when I get some anxiety from now on. So grateful to have my medicine it does help so much. Well my mom and my friend Rosa are coming to see me after surgery. They'll be here on the 3rd of December so grateful for the help. I'm going to need it with the kids. They still need to go to school and not sure if I'll be up to taking them in the car they might have to ride the bus in the morning and in the afternoon. We'll see. It will be so nice to see my mom and friend so glad they are coming. I think we'll have a small Christmas together when they are here. The kids will love it. I have a great gift for my mom and Rosa so would love to give it to them when they are here. It would be a special time together that is for sure. I hope they like the idea. I am sure they will it would be fun. I made an appointment for my massage for Tuesday the day before surgery. I can't wait for that day. I love massages so much one of my most favorite things. I plan to have another massage after surgery as well. My massage therapist says it really does wonders for healing. Well it's time to go and relax now. I wish you all well and thank you for the prayers and postitive thoughts. More later~

My Daughter Brenna

Hello, I had to share this story about what my daughter did for me. As I laid on the bed to rest my daughter was doing her every day wiggles so I asked her to draw a picture. She asked me what I wanted a picture of. I told her to make anything she wanted. So she said to me "how about a picture of you bald mommy." I said that is fine honey, so she came back to the bed with a beautiful picture of me with no hair. Then she took it back and then I had a hat on my head, then I had feathers on my head, it had to be three feathers. I think it was great that she was drawing her feelings. I thought she must be thinking about me going bald. It must sit in her mind in order to want to draw me with no hair. I decided tonight that there is someone I can take to my "Feel Good Look Good class" and I am going to take my daughter Brenna. I think she would love that mommy gets all this new make-up and she can see other woman there with no hair and they are beautiful. I am looking forward to the class it really makes a woman feel beautiful during their treatments. I got to go to one class when I had the treatment of radiation for the rare skin disease back in 1996. It's such a nice gift to receive all the make-up and have someone apply it to your face. People are so sweet to give to that cause. Well my feelings of being broken have subsided, but my left heel is huring so that is another thing that bothers me. I am not sure if it's the extra weight on me that makes my heels hurt or if it's something else. I should go to a foot doctor to get it checked out. Just another thing to think I am broken. Okay I'll stop already. On a good note looking forward to Thanksgiving going to have the fixings and the turkey bird too. I got the turkey from the American Cancer society with five pounds of potatoes. I was real appreciatative of the turkey it does help when times are tough. Oh today at my doctor's appointment for the stress test. I told the gal there that I had breast cancer and she said she doesn't get checked very often and then she tells me her mom had breast cancer...that shocked me she doesn't get checked for it. My mom has never had it and I did get checked. I have to share this you know I might have known I was going to get breast cancer because I had a dream back when I was pregnant with my daughter. Yeah I dreamed it was in the right breast and it was all over the breast too. A few days later I asked my doctor a great guy Dr. Phelan that I had a bad dream of breast cancer and needed to have a mammogram, he said I couldn't get one because I was pregnant at the time. Now that I have breast cancer that dream haunts me. My dreams have told me a lot about my health. I even dreamt about radiation as well. I guess my dreams get me prepared for what is coming next. I am not sure if I am prepared for this, but maybe it will help once going through treatments..we'll soon see. Well it's time to put the kids to bed so I better close for now. Here is wishing you a wonderful evening and I'll write more later~ net

Stress Test

Hello, The stress test is behind me now. Yeah got a call to have it done today. Glad to have it behind me and it went well too. I didn't get up to at least 75% though for a good test, but at least didn't have any discomfort just shortness of breath though. Oh and my blood pressure was a little too high when excercising. So I have to make an appointment with my family doctor to get that under control. While driving home today felt broken. What I mean is that my body is broken plus my mind. Yeah I also suffer from major depression. Last night I was writing my term paper on mental illness in the emergency services. Yes I am going to college to obtain my bachelor's degree hopefully by the time I am 48 years old. That is my goal. Well now I have a little detour with the breast cancer. I am going to give it my best try to finish. So anyway I was working on my term paper and I was discussing about when I am depressed as well, it probably doesn't make me feel any better now that I brought up some old feelings of the depression. I also am tired because I stayed up late last night and got up early this morning. I'll sleep good tonight. Today I also had an appointment for my sleep doctor, but missed it due to the stress test. I was hoping to see how my bi pap is working for me now that I swtiched to the nasal mask. Did I tell you I also have sleep apnea? Man I tell you no wonder I feel broken because of all my medical issues. Yeah just had some of the blues today. I don't feel I am getting depressed, but better keep on track so I don't. I see my psychiatrist next month so that will work out pretty well. I don't see my support group this week because of Thanksgiving, but that is okay it's going to be a nice Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to it and Christmas too. We might not have a lot this year, but at least we have each other that is all it matters. You know I did think about screaming in the car today and hitting the steering wheel a few times. I kept it cool and just kept driving. I wonder if I am becoming angry to some to some degree? It's possible, but I might get more angry with the Chemo we'll soon see. I want to start going to one on one counseling on a regular basis just need someone to do that with yet. I did like that chaplain at the cancer center, but not sure if she has the time to see me every week. I am sure she will make time for me if I wanted to see her. I guess I'll just ask or look into seeing someone at the place I am going to have chemo done at. In time I'll get it all figured out I suppose. I still need to get the surgery which I am nervous about that as well. I sure hope that goes smoothly. They haven't set a date yet, but it's soon. Maybe the 29th or 30th of November. As I write this I might get a phone call to let me know. Well I called my mom a couple of times already today. Told her what I was feeling like with being broken she understood, but reasured me I wasn't. I even called my husband and told him my feelings and he also reasured me I wasn't broken either. I got to stop saying that broken word huh? I think I want to take a shower and feel better. I think I will close now and take a hot shower or a bath maybe and do some reading. Well I hope I didn't bring you down at all just sharing my feelings with you. Thanks for your support and prayers. net~

November 17th

Hi everyone!  Well today is a month knowing I have breast cancer.  Yeah I still yet to have the surgery want the cancer out of me ASAP.  Now have to have the stress test before surgery.  I haven't heard anything about one yet.  Maybe on Monday I'll have one that would be great get it over with.  Well I watched 50/50 last night it wasn't too bad it had some humor in it.  It was wild I thought of my mom because she is going through a hard time because she has my brother to take care of, he has seizures and now me with the cancer.  In the movie the mom had a husband with Alsheimer's and her son with cancer.  So thinking of my mom how she is holding up with all this.  I think I should have her watch that movie.  It was funny in some parts and a good ending too.  I do think of the chemo and how it's going to affect me.  I think that scares me the most actually.  I went to bed thinking about chemo last night and I had a little anxiety with the thinking of chemo.  I just don't want to be warn out and not feeling good for my kids.  They need their mama so much.  I am glad they are older, but they still need thier mommy.  I am a hands on mom I really get in there and be with my kids.  I am a jungle gym type of mom.  I let them climb on me and we play a lot.  I sing to them, read to them and we have tons of fun together.  I love being a mom it's the best thing that has ever happen to me.  My kids are my life and I would do anything for them.  They love their mommy too.  I just want to be there for them.  I am going to push myself to some extint with the chemo, but when I must lie down I will too.  I have told my kids all about the chemo and how I maybe ill.  I also told them that my hair will come out as well.  I have the kids signed up for the workshop Climb it's just for kids and it's for kid's family members going through treatment.  I can't wait for the kids to go to the work shop.  I think it will be so good for them.  It starts in January just the time I'll be in treatment.  I don't care if it's in the evening either going to get them there even if have to drive in the night.  Yeah I don't like driving in the night, but I will for my kids.  It might be a good time for Mark and I to go on a date as well.  I would like that a lot too.  Yeah we go the first and last night and the rest of them is just for the kids.  So this is a perfect time for us to have a date.  I hope the kids get a lot out of the work shop.  They deserve to know what is happening to their mom.  I want to be up front with them and not hide this from them.  I would want to know if it was happening to my mom.  My mom had depression well a breakdown I was about 18 years old and she didn't let us know I thought she was dying or something.  I was scared she didn't tell me what was going on.  I just came out and asked her if she was dying.  Then she told me what was going on.  Parents need to let their kids know what is happening with them.  All the kids care about is if mom and dad are all right and if we are going to be there for them.  I sure hope I am their for my kids. I want to watch them grow-up so much.  I will do my best to see that happen.   Well we are getting ready for Thanksgiving I am looking forward to it actually.  I am cleaning the house like crazy.  I want to have some great holidays with my family.  Can't wait to share them with my kids and hubby.  Oh I have good news my mom and Rosa will be here on the 3rd of December to help me out and to visit.  I am so excited to have someone with me on my side of the family.  They have never been to Idaho before.  I wish them safe travels too.  Can't wait to see them.  It works out great because my surgery is pushed out now so it will work out great for them to be here.  Connor is so cute he said mom I hope Rosa can take me to school.  How sweet he likes my friends a lot.  Brenna is doing well too just a little six year old they are both doing great so glad they are my children.  Oh they have colds though no fun, but they'll get better soon.  Well my daughter would like to play on my computer now so I better close for now.  Since I wrote a novel.  I will talk with you more soon.  God Bless and more later~ 

Hello, well I had a scare last night had chest pains and went to the ER with kids in tow.  I got all checked out with all the test done everything came back normal.  No heart attack thank goodness.  It was scary never had those types of chest pains before it wasn't good.  Glad I got checked out though my B/P was high and I had a lot of anxiety too.  All this could be anxiety due to the surgery coming up.  Well it was going to be coming up on the 26th of November, but now I have to have a stress test before surgery now.  So the surgery may be pushed out some because the doctor will have to see the test results of the stress test.  Wow I am going through some major test lately.  Going to be fit as a horse well at least check me very well.  The good thing is my lungs look good.  Now to just make sure that my heart is up for surgery.  Sure hope so.  I am not too keen on the stress test a little nervous about it.  I don't like it when my heart pumps so fast.  Sigh~  I have to do it if I can get through the MRI I am sure I can get through the stress test too.   So that is the scoop going on right now.  I'll keep you all informed.  As for the breast cancer yep it's still there and going to have to wait for surgery now.  That is okay need the stress test first.   My mom and friend Rosa are coming out to see me from California so happy about that too.   They decided to visit me after the 1st instead of surgery date.  They can stay longer if they do that now.  I like that a whole lot better.   The help is very welcome and seeing them will be so wonderful can't wait!!   I have been having good days mentally went to group today and it was a good group.  Everyone is so supportive.   I have a lot of people I talk to a lot Renee a nurse navigator and my new friend Jennifer also a nurse navigator as well.   I found out we have a lot in common her and I she is a very sweet lady.  Both of them are very nice.  Thank you to them both for their support.  It's nice to have them to talk to.  I also have nice lady Mary that calls me she lives in Idaho she is a breast cancer survivor.  She wants to come see me at the hospital when I have surgery.  I also talk with Carol she works for the school and she is also a breast cancer survivor as well.  She offered to watch my children for me.  That is so sweet I told her I will take her up on that too one of these days.   Well it's time to do a video diary now.  I'll write more later~  net

Great News!!

Hello,  I had my second ultra sound today for the spot on my right breast and lymph node under my right arm.  The good news is that I didn't have to have a biopsy today.  So happy about that and so praising God right now.  My surgery looks like it's going to be on the 26th. Well my mom and friend Rosa want to come up and be with me during the surgery.  The problem is driving during Thanksgiving weekend and my mom having a hard time leaving my brother who is ill with seizures.  It might be best they come see me after the first.  Then there is the weather issue too.  Oh boy I tell you if it's not one thing it's another.  I hope it works out they come and visit though would love them here.  I'll keep you posted.  Well I have felt good today not dwelling about the cancer or tired and sleeping a lot.  I probably should be in bed right now it's about 10:30 pm.  I have to get up early for the kids.  So I think I'll keep this short tonight and head to bed.  Thank you so much for the prayers and positive thoughts really appreciate it.   More later~

2 am post

Hello!! Well I am up at 2 am this morning. I had a dream that woke me up or it might have been my arm sticking out so pulled it back in and boy did it hurt. I am one strange person. I know.
Well had a whopper of a day with chemo class not such fun that is for sure. Get to hear about all the side effects of it. The nice thing about yesterday I got a nice quilt from the clinic that was sweet. I used it too, I took a nap once we got home from dinner last night. Felt so good to sleep loved it! I've been sleeping a lot lately. That is why I am probably up so early now. I was telling my husband Mark that the reason for sleeping is either I am escaping or just resting up for when I am not feeling well. Heck I am just tired that is all there is too it. I am loving the time I have to rest it feels so good too. It's from the time when having kids your sleeping isn't the same after kids. So I am making up for lost sleep nine years of it. Well this morning I am going to be going to have an ultrasound down today and possible biopsy.  I pray they just do the ultra sound.  Because if they do the biopsy that means it doesn't look good and they want to find out more.  Well I better get back to bed need to be rested for this morning.  I'll write more later~

4:15 am

Well another 4 am wake up day.  I can't sleep tonight for some reason.  I didn't take my xanax could that be why?  Or could it be my weird dreams?  Probably a little of both.  I had a rough day yesterday felt bad for a fellow group member.  He had his first bout of chemo and wasn't feeling well.  I started to cry once he left the room to go lie down.  I am scared of the chemo there is no doubt about that.  I wish there was another way I could beat this cancer instead of doing it with chemo. I wish I could do the vitamin C IV.  Have you heard of that?   I heard some where there is a place where they give you vitamin C injections a bunch of it mind you and it doesn't make one that sick and it kills the cancer.  Hmmm wish I can do that instead.  I have to find the CD I saw that on and find those doctors that were talking about it.  Sure would be better than the Chemo.  Sigh~  So anyway I did some crying yesterday a little more than I usually do.  I will be doing a lot of crying I am sure to the months to come.  As my grandmother would say it cleanses the soul.  I sure wish grams was around so I could talk to her she allows was a good listener.  Another Sigh~  I do think she is with me during this time helping me get through this just wish I could hug her right now.  I suppose she is hugging me as I write this letter.  Thanks grams!!  Well I sent off an email to the news about me fighting this battle of breast cancer.  I wrote KTVB in Boise, HLN and the Today Show.  I just want to reach out and help other women going through this.  I am hoping to share my story and if I can just get one woman to get a mammogram that would be so great.  Or if I can help that lady who is going through chemo just know she isn't alone right now.  I hope some one watches my videos and reads this blog.  I am not sure how to get a wider audience.  I'll work on that.  You know I am actually a pretty funny person, but for some reason not coming across very funny.  I want to show my sense of humor in my blog, but I guess it will come once the initial shock of finding out I have cancer wears off.  Not sure it will actually.  I may always be in shock knowing I have breast cancer.  Well any hoo~ I want to talk about my sweet kids they are doing well and going to school they seem to like their new school so that is good.  They aren't too keen on P.E. Hmmm wonder why?  He he probably because their mommy doesn't get much exercise and they learned it from me.  Laziness.  I need to show them that exercise is very important and they need to do it.  I take walks with the kids a lot so they know I do like to do some sort of exercise, but I have to admit the P.E. teacher is pretty tough on the kids at school.  Even the little first graders.  They'll survive gym class I suppose just need to show some support for my little sweeties.  Yeah the kids are holding up pretty well so proud of them.  In group we talked about when the hair starts to fall out when having chemo.  I am not too sure my kids will like me getting my head shaved, but I could just get a really short hair cut.  I will take them with me when it comes time for the hair cut.   I want my kids to know just about everything that happens to mommy.  I don't want to hide anything from them.  I ask them every night before bed if they have any questions.  I am glad I ask them so they know they can always come to mommy for answers and if I don't have the answer I'll get it for them.  So for the time being the kids are doing pretty good.  Oh did I tell you that I am going to start going to a counselor one on one starting next Monday?  Yeah I think it would be good for me besides the group.  Looking forward to talk to my Christian counselor soon.  Well I have genetic testing counseling today in Boise.  I told the kids they have to ride the bus in the morning they aren't too keen on that idea either..LOL  they like for me to take them to school.  I enjoy it too because soon one day they won't like me walking them to class so doing it all I can now as long as they let me.  Just love my kids so much!!!  They'll pull through this pretty well as long as mommy is brave and strong.  I'll give them a good fight of this C word as my boy would say.  No more saying the word cancer he says.  I am with him that is a bad word.   Well on that note I think I'll close for now.  More later~

Happy

It's a good day when you wake up and your President wins the election.  Yes I am all for Obama.  I live in a State that is mostly republicans.  So I am the odd one out here.  I don't care because I know who I like and I just feel he will do the best he can.  That aside I still have breast cancer.  I am feeling actually pretty good, but it's going to be a long road to hoe though.   I heard I don't get chemo until after Christmas.  I am glad because I want to get things ready for Christmas and have a good time with my family I can't wait.  It's going to be a nice Christmas I do believe.  I love getting all my Christmas decorations and decorate the house.  I believe the kids love it too.  It makes the house so warm and cozy.  We have a tradition in our house to put up the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving weekend.  It's so fun we love it.  We also started years ago to get the kids Christmas ornaments for the tree every year.  I think that is such a great idea.  So when they get ready to leave the house they will have all their ornaments throughout the years.   We go to the mall in Boise and look for our ornaments during Christmas time.  Looking forward to that very much.  Well I will be having my surgery soon a little nervous about it too.  It's an all day thing too.  I have to have dye put in my body to see if any cancer has gone into my lymph nodes.  I pray it hasn't.  I want to live a long and happy life with my children and husband.  I want to see my children grow-up.   I keep praying for that the most.  Well I heard that breast cancer is the second leading causing of death in the United States.  There is something I can do about that and that is take care of myself and do what I need to do for myself.   I really don't want Chemo or radiation, but if I have to do it to let myself live longer I am going to do it.  My kids need me.  So does my husband!  Well I think I am going to close for now going to do my video diary.  I wish everyone well and happy.  This too shall pass~  more later net 

MRI

All I have to say about the MRI is glad it is over with.  It's doable to get it done, but I have to be honest it was very uncomfortable for 35 minutes.   I kept thinking of the woman all over the world having to go through the same thing.  I also thought of my kids, husband and doing it for myself.  I had to be brave.  I even thought of Robin Roberts fighting the battle of breast cancer too.   Well they will know the results either on Tuesday or Wednesday November 7th.  Then I will have a call from the doctor's office to set up the surgery.  I am nervous about the surgery too.  I can get through this I can do it.  Even though there are times I just want to run.  The thing to do is fight!!  Well my son's teacher is very supportive every time she sees me she gives me a hug.  I was working at the kid's school today and she saw me.  She asked if I feel like anything is wrong and if I feel okay.  I told her I feel fine actually, but there are some days that I don't think about the cancer and other days I do.  Those are down days though.  Today is a pretty good day not thinking too much of it.  I love those days.  Well I have to do a video diary soon.  Talk about the MRI and how I am feeling.  I am sure the surgery will be very soon maybe even next week.  I have to remember to bring my bi pap machine.  Yeah I have sleep apnea as well.  I just recently got the bi pap machine so I feel much better with it.   It's a shame I am feeling much better a new lease on life and now have the cancer.  It totally is a huge bummer.  I know have energy and I am motivated with my bi pap machine.  Hopefully it will help me with having chemo I'll make sure I use it too.  I love my bi pap...I said that already..didn't I?   Well it's true.  My kids seem to be doing well as if nothing has happen as it should be.  They are doing so good in school so proud of them.  They got great report cards this last month.  Way to go kids mommy is very proud of you both!!!   Well I think I'll close for now and write more later~  net 

4 am

Well for some reason I woke up at 4 am.  I think I had enough sleep I guess.  Or who knows it could have been the dreams I had, oh wait it was from having diarrhea.  Yeah been having that for 3 days now..hmmm wonder what is going on.  Nerves maybe?  The radiation doctor asked if I was having any of that and I said no, but not now.  Hope it hasn't got anything to do with the cancer.  I know think every ache and pain is due to it.  I guess that happens blame it on the cancer.  It could mean I am just getting up there in age as well.  Darn aging process.  It happens to the best of us right?! 
Monday I have an MRI a little nervous about it, but just want things to be good inside my body.  I believe I can handle the test okay just Hope they don't find anything else going on in there.  I hope the cancer hasn't spread.   Both surgeons believe it's in stage 1 darn it thought if that is the case wish I wouldn't have to have Chemo.  That is because of the Triple negative.  Hate that triple negative darn it.  Curse you triple negative!!   I am nervous about the surgery as well who wouldn't be?   I do want to get that going and get this C word out of me.  My son doesn't like the word at all doesn't want us to say it in the house any more.  I don't blame him.  I'll just use it in my blog and on my video diary though.  I'll try not to say it in front of my little man.  I will not tell him how bad of thoughts I've been having.  If I can't tell you who can I tell?  I've been having thoughts that I am not going to be able to fight this cancer.  I don't know what it is, but I sometimes think that I am not going to be around long.  Is that because of just hearing you have cancer?  I know I shouldn't think those thoughts, but every once in a while they come to mind.  I just think of my kids growing up and I want to see that in my life and have grand babies too.  I just got to do that for them.  My surgeon was positive though he said "oh yes you are going to beat this."  That is encouraging.  He is very positive and I need that right now.  My husband Mark is very positive too.  I like the days when I don't even think that I have the cancer.  I love those days the most.  I just go on my normal life and just not even give it a thought.  I am thinking of doing a video diary right now too.  It could help others who maybe up worried at the we hours of the morning.  Hope all is going well.  I'll write more soon!  Thanks for listening to my blog.  Well reading my blog.  More later~

Day 15

November 2, 2012 I had a good visit with my second opinion surgeon yesterday. He was very informative and positive. It just came out of my mouth and I asked him if I were going to survive this breast cancer. He said yes you sure will. He was so upbeat and so positive I really liked that and so did my husband Mark. He wants me to have an MRI on Monday then we'll schedule the surgery soon. I think it will be in the next couple of weeks or in a week. We'll soon see. I did tear up with the doctor a few times. I think about my children a lot and it makes me tear up because I want them to be okay and not worry too much about mommy. I am also bummed out because I went through full-body radiation years ago that it's a shame I have to go through this again and it's worse this time. I have to have the chemo as well, plus the radiation. It totally sucks! Yes cancer Sucks!! I have a button that says that too. Should wear it. I have to think of ways I can help others because of this happening to me. Maybe it will come to me in a dream. I have some really good dreams and they really seem to be pretty accurate at times...well should I say they help me get prepared for what is to come. I dreamt if a beam of light shined on me it would burn me. I then had the radiation back in 1996. It all flooded back to me while up having full-body radiation. When I was pregnant with my second child I had a dream that I had breast cancer and yes it was in my right breast. So my dreams possibly come true or something like that. They prepare me for what is to come I suppose. I wish I seen the lottery numbers darn it. Would like to win the big money. Maybe my dreams are telling me to take care of myself. I keep dreaming lately that I am back in high school with all my classmates. I keep saying yeah but I am really 47 and I feel like I need to be back in high school my senior year. I guess I would have done it all over differently. If only I know then what I know now type of thing. I didn't like my dream saying I had cancer in my liver though..that would suck big time!! I think my brain is trying to process all of this and my dreams are just messing with me. Dreams are weird and all. Well I think it's time for bed it's 12 midnight. I'll write more real soon. Thanks for reading my blog. Hope you are doing well and thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts.