4:15 am

Well another 4 am wake up day.  I can't sleep tonight for some reason.  I didn't take my xanax could that be why?  Or could it be my weird dreams?  Probably a little of both.  I had a rough day yesterday felt bad for a fellow group member.  He had his first bout of chemo and wasn't feeling well.  I started to cry once he left the room to go lie down.  I am scared of the chemo there is no doubt about that.  I wish there was another way I could beat this cancer instead of doing it with chemo. I wish I could do the vitamin C IV.  Have you heard of that?   I heard some where there is a place where they give you vitamin C injections a bunch of it mind you and it doesn't make one that sick and it kills the cancer.  Hmmm wish I can do that instead.  I have to find the CD I saw that on and find those doctors that were talking about it.  Sure would be better than the Chemo.  Sigh~  So anyway I did some crying yesterday a little more than I usually do.  I will be doing a lot of crying I am sure to the months to come.  As my grandmother would say it cleanses the soul.  I sure wish grams was around so I could talk to her she allows was a good listener.  Another Sigh~  I do think she is with me during this time helping me get through this just wish I could hug her right now.  I suppose she is hugging me as I write this letter.  Thanks grams!!  Well I sent off an email to the news about me fighting this battle of breast cancer.  I wrote KTVB in Boise, HLN and the Today Show.  I just want to reach out and help other women going through this.  I am hoping to share my story and if I can just get one woman to get a mammogram that would be so great.  Or if I can help that lady who is going through chemo just know she isn't alone right now.  I hope some one watches my videos and reads this blog.  I am not sure how to get a wider audience.  I'll work on that.  You know I am actually a pretty funny person, but for some reason not coming across very funny.  I want to show my sense of humor in my blog, but I guess it will come once the initial shock of finding out I have cancer wears off.  Not sure it will actually.  I may always be in shock knowing I have breast cancer.  Well any hoo~ I want to talk about my sweet kids they are doing well and going to school they seem to like their new school so that is good.  They aren't too keen on P.E. Hmmm wonder why?  He he probably because their mommy doesn't get much exercise and they learned it from me.  Laziness.  I need to show them that exercise is very important and they need to do it.  I take walks with the kids a lot so they know I do like to do some sort of exercise, but I have to admit the P.E. teacher is pretty tough on the kids at school.  Even the little first graders.  They'll survive gym class I suppose just need to show some support for my little sweeties.  Yeah the kids are holding up pretty well so proud of them.  In group we talked about when the hair starts to fall out when having chemo.  I am not too sure my kids will like me getting my head shaved, but I could just get a really short hair cut.  I will take them with me when it comes time for the hair cut.   I want my kids to know just about everything that happens to mommy.  I don't want to hide anything from them.  I ask them every night before bed if they have any questions.  I am glad I ask them so they know they can always come to mommy for answers and if I don't have the answer I'll get it for them.  So for the time being the kids are doing pretty good.  Oh did I tell you that I am going to start going to a counselor one on one starting next Monday?  Yeah I think it would be good for me besides the group.  Looking forward to talk to my Christian counselor soon.  Well I have genetic testing counseling today in Boise.  I told the kids they have to ride the bus in the morning they aren't too keen on that idea either..LOL  they like for me to take them to school.  I enjoy it too because soon one day they won't like me walking them to class so doing it all I can now as long as they let me.  Just love my kids so much!!!  They'll pull through this pretty well as long as mommy is brave and strong.  I'll give them a good fight of this C word as my boy would say.  No more saying the word cancer he says.  I am with him that is a bad word.   Well on that note I think I'll close for now.  More later~