4 am

Well for some reason I woke up at 4 am.  I think I had enough sleep I guess.  Or who knows it could have been the dreams I had, oh wait it was from having diarrhea.  Yeah been having that for 3 days now..hmmm wonder what is going on.  Nerves maybe?  The radiation doctor asked if I was having any of that and I said no, but not now.  Hope it hasn't got anything to do with the cancer.  I know think every ache and pain is due to it.  I guess that happens blame it on the cancer.  It could mean I am just getting up there in age as well.  Darn aging process.  It happens to the best of us right?! 
Monday I have an MRI a little nervous about it, but just want things to be good inside my body.  I believe I can handle the test okay just Hope they don't find anything else going on in there.  I hope the cancer hasn't spread.   Both surgeons believe it's in stage 1 darn it thought if that is the case wish I wouldn't have to have Chemo.  That is because of the Triple negative.  Hate that triple negative darn it.  Curse you triple negative!!   I am nervous about the surgery as well who wouldn't be?   I do want to get that going and get this C word out of me.  My son doesn't like the word at all doesn't want us to say it in the house any more.  I don't blame him.  I'll just use it in my blog and on my video diary though.  I'll try not to say it in front of my little man.  I will not tell him how bad of thoughts I've been having.  If I can't tell you who can I tell?  I've been having thoughts that I am not going to be able to fight this cancer.  I don't know what it is, but I sometimes think that I am not going to be around long.  Is that because of just hearing you have cancer?  I know I shouldn't think those thoughts, but every once in a while they come to mind.  I just think of my kids growing up and I want to see that in my life and have grand babies too.  I just got to do that for them.  My surgeon was positive though he said "oh yes you are going to beat this."  That is encouraging.  He is very positive and I need that right now.  My husband Mark is very positive too.  I like the days when I don't even think that I have the cancer.  I love those days the most.  I just go on my normal life and just not even give it a thought.  I am thinking of doing a video diary right now too.  It could help others who maybe up worried at the we hours of the morning.  Hope all is going well.  I'll write more soon!  Thanks for listening to my blog.  Well reading my blog.  More later~